Pics and stories are sure to follow....
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Vegas, yeah baby!
Headed to the land of a billion slot machines, debauchery and sin - to do my best and avoid it as much as possible. Shouldn't be hard considering we're staying outside of the strip and spending the weekend at Red Rocks National Park climbing Solar Slab and various multi-pitch routes. I haven't climbed outside since last July with Ryan. Should be amazing.
Pics and stories are sure to follow....
Pics and stories are sure to follow....
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Marymoor GP vs Elite Road Nats
So USA Cycling announced that elite road nats are going to be held in Bend, OR over the same weekend as the Marymoor Grand Prix. The organizer, David Mann, sent me an email asking what I thought if they ran the event the same weekend and whether or not it would cause a big attendance issue for the women. I can see where the conflict is - but am not sure if it would greatly affect the participation. Road nats has one title for one lady, no money - just glory. Marymoor GP has multiple chances to win with tons of cash prizes... would it be smart to hold the GP later in the summer?
Monday, February 09, 2009
Your absence weighs heavy on my heart today. This is my first rest day in a few weeks and not being pressured by the constant workouts to get in before daylight disappears makes the house seem a little more empty.
I can't help but feel like I'm still going to wake up from this nightmare. Strange, when I felt like I had made such forward progress - yet emotionally slammed at the drop of a hat. It still aches. My heart still cries for you.
Here I sit at your computer in the downstairs basement. Where you spent countless hours coding for Pacific Ridge and listening to your tunes. I've been having lots of memories flood my consciousness lately - from our European trip to watching the way you walk. Is it strange I called your phone today just to hear your voice?
Oh Bubba, I miss you so much.
I can't help but feel like I'm still going to wake up from this nightmare. Strange, when I felt like I had made such forward progress - yet emotionally slammed at the drop of a hat. It still aches. My heart still cries for you.
Here I sit at your computer in the downstairs basement. Where you spent countless hours coding for Pacific Ridge and listening to your tunes. I've been having lots of memories flood my consciousness lately - from our European trip to watching the way you walk. Is it strange I called your phone today just to hear your voice?
Oh Bubba, I miss you so much.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Friday, February 06, 2009
Last night
As I lay in bed, tears started welling up and sobs leaked out. I pictured Ryan, sitting at a crag, soaking up the sun and smiling at me. He was just enjoying the moment - living his passion and I realized just how much I miss him. And how I hadn't realized how much I missed him until right then.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Hearing the sudden and tragic loss of another person taken before we were ready to let him go brings back the memories of what a nightmare death can be. The shock can be so devastating and unreal - and looking back now, it still doesn't make any sense to me. That first month is unfathomable.
My thoughts and prayers are with the Black family and all of his friends.
Tragic.
And in the same token - nearly the same time, a 21 year old rider at the Tour of Qatar died in his sleep. Will Fischkorn describes the mood there.
My thoughts and prayers are with the Black family and all of his friends.
Tragic.
And in the same token - nearly the same time, a 21 year old rider at the Tour of Qatar died in his sleep. Will Fischkorn describes the mood there.
Smarty Pants
There's smart and there's not so smart. Smart things can include getting daily exercise, eating right, getting a dose of Vitamin D, etc. Not so smart can include sitting, overeating, crawling into a cave to never seeing the light of day and running stairs.
Yes, running stairs.
Sharon and I decided to start our stair running back up again on Tuesday. I remember sitting in the car, after my morning weight routine, thinking to myself how much better breakfast sounded than getting my heart pounding, again. Before I had a chance to chicken, she showed up and up and up and up we went. At the time it seemed manageable. No serious injury. No falls. 20 minutes later we were done.
Little did I know that evening, as my muscles started to tighten, my calves would feel like someone Charley-horsed them into balls of hard dough. Luckily I had the sense to only do 6 sets of the calve burners, not the optional 8.
What day is it - Thursday? Yep, they still scream at me. I'll keep my little mouth shut, thank you very much, to the coach I'm about to see.
Do yourself a favor - be smart today.
Yes, running stairs.
Sharon and I decided to start our stair running back up again on Tuesday. I remember sitting in the car, after my morning weight routine, thinking to myself how much better breakfast sounded than getting my heart pounding, again. Before I had a chance to chicken, she showed up and up and up and up we went. At the time it seemed manageable. No serious injury. No falls. 20 minutes later we were done.
Little did I know that evening, as my muscles started to tighten, my calves would feel like someone Charley-horsed them into balls of hard dough. Luckily I had the sense to only do 6 sets of the calve burners, not the optional 8.
What day is it - Thursday? Yep, they still scream at me. I'll keep my little mouth shut, thank you very much, to the coach I'm about to see.
Do yourself a favor - be smart today.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Signs of Spring
The skaters are back.
They roll back and forth along the canal, clanking their boards onto the concrete bench in attempt to ali it. Every year they show back up - wearing their tight, black stone washed jeans, grunge plaid button shirts and Nike skate shoes.
The guy out there right now has been flailing around quite a bit - a sign of early spring. Come March he should be ali'ing with the best of 'em.
Reminds me that I need to bust out Marcy's long board and flail around myself....
Ohhhhh OUCH! Dude just took a digger to his nuts - maybe I better rethink that!
They roll back and forth along the canal, clanking their boards onto the concrete bench in attempt to ali it. Every year they show back up - wearing their tight, black stone washed jeans, grunge plaid button shirts and Nike skate shoes.
The guy out there right now has been flailing around quite a bit - a sign of early spring. Come March he should be ali'ing with the best of 'em.
Reminds me that I need to bust out Marcy's long board and flail around myself....
Ohhhhh OUCH! Dude just took a digger to his nuts - maybe I better rethink that!
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Good things are happening in my life and my drama filled blog may soon be replaced with cycling muses.
That's a good thing, right?
A return to normalcy -yet, altered in an unforgettable, unfathomable way. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, yet accepting what's going on in my life as real, beautiful and inspiring. I'd tell you more but its going in the book....
That's a good thing, right?
A return to normalcy -yet, altered in an unforgettable, unfathomable way. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, yet accepting what's going on in my life as real, beautiful and inspiring. I'd tell you more but its going in the book....
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
There's a crow, sitting about 10 feet away from me, outside my window at work, who's taking a nap. He's precariously perched on a tree branch, with its head turned nearly 180 degrees, tucked carefully into this right wing. If he breaths too hard, he almost falls off the branch. I've tried jumping jacks, moving around, cawing at him - nothing wakes him up.
I guess its just evidence that everyone needs to nap every now and then.
I think I'll name him Edgar.
I guess its just evidence that everyone needs to nap every now and then.
I think I'll name him Edgar.
HALF A SHEET OF FOOLSCAP
By August Strindberg
The last furniture van had left; the tenant, a young man with
a crape band round his hat, walked for the last time through the
empty rooms to make sure that nothing had been left behind. No,
nothing had been forgotten, nothing at all. He went out into the
front hall, firmly determined never to think again of all that
had happened to him in these rooms. And all at once his eyes fell
on half a sheet of foolscap, which somehow had got wedged between
the wall and the telephone; the paper was covered with writing,
evidently the writing of more persons than one. Some of the
entries were written quite legibly with pen and ink, while others
were scribbled with a lead-pencil; here and there even a red pencil
had been used. It was a record of everything that had happened to
him in the short period of two years; all these things, which he
had made up his mind to forget, were noted down. It was a slice of
a human life on half a sheet of foolscap.
He detached the paper; it was a piece of scribbling paper, yellow
and shining like the sun. He put it on the mantelpiece in the
drawing-room and glanced at it. Heading the list was a woman's name:
"Alice," the most beautiful name in the world, as it had seemed
to him then, for it was the name of his fianc�e. Next to the name
was a number, "15,11." It looked like the number of a hymn, on the
hymn-board. Underneath was written "Bank." That was where his work
lay, his sacred work to which he owed bread, home, and wife--the
foundations of life. But a pen had been drawn through the word, for
the Bank had failed, and although he had eventually found another
berth, it was not until after a short period of anxiety and
uneasiness.
The next entries were: "Flower-shop and livery-stable." They related
to his betrothal, when he had plenty of money in his pockets.
Then came "furniture dealer and paper-hanger "--they were furnishing
their house. "Forwarding agents"--they were moving into it. The
"Box-office of the Opera-house, No. 50,50"--they were newly married,
and went to the opera on Sunday evenings; the most enjoyable hours
of their lives were spent there, for they had to sit quite still,
while their souls met in the beauty and harmony of the fairyland
on the other side of the curtain.
Then followed the name of a man, crossed out. He had been a friend
of his youth, a man who had risen high in the social scale, but
who fell, spoilt by success, fell irremediably, and had to leave
the country.
So unstable was fortune!
Now, something new entered the lives of husband and wife. The next
entry was in a lady's hand: "Nurse." What nurse? Well, of course,
the kindly woman with the big cloak and the sympathetic face, who
walked with a soft footfall, and never went into the drawing-room,
but walked straight down the passage to the bedroom.
Underneath her name was written "Dr. L."
And now, for the first time, a relative appeared on the list:
"Mama." That was his mother-in-law, who had kept away discreetly,
so as not to disturb their newly found happiness, but was glad to
come now, when she was needed.
A great number of entries in red and blue pencil followed: "Servants'
Registry Office"--the maid had left and a new one had to be engaged.
"The chemist's"--hm! life was growing dark. "The dairy"--milk had
been ordered--sterilised milk!
"Butcher, grocer, etc." The affairs of the house were being conducted
by telephone; it argued that the mistress was not at her post. No,
she wasn't, for she was laid up.
He could not read what followed, for it grew dark before his eyes;
he might have been a drowning man trying to see through salt water.
And yet, there it was written, plainly enough: "undertaker--a large
coffin and a small one." And the word "dust" was added in parenthesis.
It was the last word of the whole record. It ended with "dust"!
and that is exactly what happens in life.
He took the yellow paper, kissed it, folded it carefully, and put
it in his pocket.
In two minutes he had lived again through two years of his life.
But he was not bowed down as he left the house. On the contrary,
he carried his head high, like a happy and proud man, for he knew
that the best things life has to bestow had been given to him. And
he pitied all those from whom they are withheld.
The last furniture van had left; the tenant, a young man with
a crape band round his hat, walked for the last time through the
empty rooms to make sure that nothing had been left behind. No,
nothing had been forgotten, nothing at all. He went out into the
front hall, firmly determined never to think again of all that
had happened to him in these rooms. And all at once his eyes fell
on half a sheet of foolscap, which somehow had got wedged between
the wall and the telephone; the paper was covered with writing,
evidently the writing of more persons than one. Some of the
entries were written quite legibly with pen and ink, while others
were scribbled with a lead-pencil; here and there even a red pencil
had been used. It was a record of everything that had happened to
him in the short period of two years; all these things, which he
had made up his mind to forget, were noted down. It was a slice of
a human life on half a sheet of foolscap.
He detached the paper; it was a piece of scribbling paper, yellow
and shining like the sun. He put it on the mantelpiece in the
drawing-room and glanced at it. Heading the list was a woman's name:
"Alice," the most beautiful name in the world, as it had seemed
to him then, for it was the name of his fianc�e. Next to the name
was a number, "15,11." It looked like the number of a hymn, on the
hymn-board. Underneath was written "Bank." That was where his work
lay, his sacred work to which he owed bread, home, and wife--the
foundations of life. But a pen had been drawn through the word, for
the Bank had failed, and although he had eventually found another
berth, it was not until after a short period of anxiety and
uneasiness.
The next entries were: "Flower-shop and livery-stable." They related
to his betrothal, when he had plenty of money in his pockets.
Then came "furniture dealer and paper-hanger "--they were furnishing
their house. "Forwarding agents"--they were moving into it. The
"Box-office of the Opera-house, No. 50,50"--they were newly married,
and went to the opera on Sunday evenings; the most enjoyable hours
of their lives were spent there, for they had to sit quite still,
while their souls met in the beauty and harmony of the fairyland
on the other side of the curtain.
Then followed the name of a man, crossed out. He had been a friend
of his youth, a man who had risen high in the social scale, but
who fell, spoilt by success, fell irremediably, and had to leave
the country.
So unstable was fortune!
Now, something new entered the lives of husband and wife. The next
entry was in a lady's hand: "Nurse." What nurse? Well, of course,
the kindly woman with the big cloak and the sympathetic face, who
walked with a soft footfall, and never went into the drawing-room,
but walked straight down the passage to the bedroom.
Underneath her name was written "Dr. L."
And now, for the first time, a relative appeared on the list:
"Mama." That was his mother-in-law, who had kept away discreetly,
so as not to disturb their newly found happiness, but was glad to
come now, when she was needed.
A great number of entries in red and blue pencil followed: "Servants'
Registry Office"--the maid had left and a new one had to be engaged.
"The chemist's"--hm! life was growing dark. "The dairy"--milk had
been ordered--sterilised milk!
"Butcher, grocer, etc." The affairs of the house were being conducted
by telephone; it argued that the mistress was not at her post. No,
she wasn't, for she was laid up.
He could not read what followed, for it grew dark before his eyes;
he might have been a drowning man trying to see through salt water.
And yet, there it was written, plainly enough: "undertaker--a large
coffin and a small one." And the word "dust" was added in parenthesis.
It was the last word of the whole record. It ended with "dust"!
and that is exactly what happens in life.
He took the yellow paper, kissed it, folded it carefully, and put
it in his pocket.
In two minutes he had lived again through two years of his life.
But he was not bowed down as he left the house. On the contrary,
he carried his head high, like a happy and proud man, for he knew
that the best things life has to bestow had been given to him. And
he pitied all those from whom they are withheld.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Where oh where did you go?
I feel like I've lost my passion. It's been more pronounced lately - with the quickly approaching race season a short month away. I just don't have that drive that I used to. The thing that wakes me up in the morning, that gets me on the bike despite the weather. That keeps me eager for each day - knowing that time put into the saddle then will translate to being faster in the future.
It's lost. I go through the motions - but I can't help but feel empty when doing so.
Ryan was a constant daily reminder to live my passion. Follow something with my heart and soul. Live each moment, each heart beat by heart beat - and strive to be the best. He was so inspiring just by being him. And I'm having a hard time finding that same drive now that he's gone.
As I was driving over the Fremont bridge into work this morning, I couldn't help but ask myself, what's my passion? What keeps me excited each day? Cycling used to be my fire. But some how that's changed. And now I feel lost without having something to strive for. Being driven by passions is a curse and a blessing all at the same time.
I can only hope that one day it comes back regardless of its shape or form.
It's lost. I go through the motions - but I can't help but feel empty when doing so.
Ryan was a constant daily reminder to live my passion. Follow something with my heart and soul. Live each moment, each heart beat by heart beat - and strive to be the best. He was so inspiring just by being him. And I'm having a hard time finding that same drive now that he's gone.
As I was driving over the Fremont bridge into work this morning, I couldn't help but ask myself, what's my passion? What keeps me excited each day? Cycling used to be my fire. But some how that's changed. And now I feel lost without having something to strive for. Being driven by passions is a curse and a blessing all at the same time.
I can only hope that one day it comes back regardless of its shape or form.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
How cool!
How freaking cool is it to say President Obama? And how even more cool is it to say former president bush?
So cool.
So cool.
Last time I attempted to upload photos from my trip to the cabin over New Years I was denied.... so here's a short recap. This was taken on the drive over - traveling up Goat Creek Road. Seeing those views was somewhat emotional - I haven't been back to the Methow since last September. It was nice seeing it in another season though and with such good company. 
On the last morning we were there, I woke up feeling Ryan's presence surrounding me and glimpsed out the cabin to see the sun kissing the mountains.
We woke up one morning to 17" of new pow pow - and skied our buns off. But later that same trip, temps dipped into the -8.... even Makiah was cold!
Fast forward two weeks later to President's weekend. Chris and I dreamed up new pancake combinations and he worked on making the perfect cake.
Ah the simple life. No hair dryers, no combs, and most importantly no mirrors. But somebody got a hold of my camera and documented my morning hair. No worries though - as I documented somebody's crazy outfits....
Our first skate ski venture took us to Sun Mountain. Neither of us had been there before - so we skied up to Thompson Road Pass via the Meadowbrook trail. There, between the steady stream of sweat and masked between the trees - a rare species was seen. Clad in jeans, stars and bars hat, downhill gloves, etc - was a sight to be seen... spandex wearing skaters take note!
I don't know if my outfit can even compare to Mr. Fashionista. But I'll work on it - that's for sure.
The following day we decided to redeem ourselves by the sloth up Sun Mountain that we returned to do some easy routes around the resort and have lunch up at the top. The trails are great - rolling with lots of fun terrain to skate through. The soup at the lodge was excellent - looking forward to going back already!
Since we had gained some confidence at Sun Mountain, the next day we decided to ski up to Rendezvous Pass. Little did we know what a steady burn it was - 15km of a constant grind up to the top. We stopped half way to get some shots.... and several attempts later got a group shot of the two of us.
We had a couple of people offer to take our photo - but Chris was determined to make the timer work.
All of our efforts were rewarded with stunning views of the Cascades. I'd love to rent this hut for a skiing adventure!
I soaked in the sun, the views and the fresh air. I can't wait to go back.
I think Chris liked it too. :)
What goes up must come down. After climbing in the sun, over heating and taking our extra clothing off on the uphill - you have a chilly descent back to the car. So chilly in fact, you could freeze some body parts. This is definitely a pain face.
Our final day we cooked up some mean pancakes - which Chris has perfected. Look at that proud display of the perfect pancake!
After closing up the cabin and turning off the power, propane, locking up the outhouse, etc - we hit a dog friendly trail on the way out of town. It was another picture perfect blue bird day - my last glimpse of sun before heading back to the Wet, I mean West side.
We really skated well that day - cruising through the forest on a 12k loop. We got back to the car around 3 - and started the venture home. A short stop at the Twisp bakery and we were Seattle bound!
So the question is - when am I moving? Soon.
On the last morning we were there, I woke up feeling Ryan's presence surrounding me and glimpsed out the cabin to see the sun kissing the mountains.
We woke up one morning to 17" of new pow pow - and skied our buns off. But later that same trip, temps dipped into the -8.... even Makiah was cold!
Fast forward two weeks later to President's weekend. Chris and I dreamed up new pancake combinations and he worked on making the perfect cake.
Ah the simple life. No hair dryers, no combs, and most importantly no mirrors. But somebody got a hold of my camera and documented my morning hair. No worries though - as I documented somebody's crazy outfits....
Our first skate ski venture took us to Sun Mountain. Neither of us had been there before - so we skied up to Thompson Road Pass via the Meadowbrook trail. There, between the steady stream of sweat and masked between the trees - a rare species was seen. Clad in jeans, stars and bars hat, downhill gloves, etc - was a sight to be seen... spandex wearing skaters take note!
I don't know if my outfit can even compare to Mr. Fashionista. But I'll work on it - that's for sure.
The following day we decided to redeem ourselves by the sloth up Sun Mountain that we returned to do some easy routes around the resort and have lunch up at the top. The trails are great - rolling with lots of fun terrain to skate through. The soup at the lodge was excellent - looking forward to going back already!
Since we had gained some confidence at Sun Mountain, the next day we decided to ski up to Rendezvous Pass. Little did we know what a steady burn it was - 15km of a constant grind up to the top. We stopped half way to get some shots.... and several attempts later got a group shot of the two of us.
We had a couple of people offer to take our photo - but Chris was determined to make the timer work.
All of our efforts were rewarded with stunning views of the Cascades. I'd love to rent this hut for a skiing adventure!
I soaked in the sun, the views and the fresh air. I can't wait to go back.
I think Chris liked it too. :)
What goes up must come down. After climbing in the sun, over heating and taking our extra clothing off on the uphill - you have a chilly descent back to the car. So chilly in fact, you could freeze some body parts. This is definitely a pain face.
Our final day we cooked up some mean pancakes - which Chris has perfected. Look at that proud display of the perfect pancake!
After closing up the cabin and turning off the power, propane, locking up the outhouse, etc - we hit a dog friendly trail on the way out of town. It was another picture perfect blue bird day - my last glimpse of sun before heading back to the Wet, I mean West side.
We really skated well that day - cruising through the forest on a 12k loop. We got back to the car around 3 - and started the venture home. A short stop at the Twisp bakery and we were Seattle bound!
So the question is - when am I moving? Soon.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The Wrecking Ball
If your life was hit by a wrecking ball, what would you do?
In the same turn, if your life was blessed with amazing relationships, love and peace - what would you do?
If you finally grasped that we are only given one life to live, one chance to explore, laugh and live - what would you do?
So why aren't you doing it? :)
In the same turn, if your life was blessed with amazing relationships, love and peace - what would you do?
If you finally grasped that we are only given one life to live, one chance to explore, laugh and live - what would you do?
So why aren't you doing it? :)
Come a long way
This morning I woke to a sad song set being played on KEXP. I recall hearing that John from the Morning show is going through a divorce. And as a result, he is only playing really sad, mournful REM songs. One after another. After another.
Sensing his sadness, I emailed him.
I've been there. Cold Play was my REM. I would listen to it just to embrace the sadness. It felt as though I was stuck in perpetual gloom. But as time passed, my heart started to heal. I didn't have to listen to Cold Play constantly. I started listening to up beat music. And my mood changed. I wasn't as sad all the time. I actually started to feel some happiness.
Hearing someone else go through grief made me realize how far I've come in such a short time - and that I still have more to go. I've learned so many valuable lessons - which is such a gift in itself. And I will continue to learn lessons - with each relationship I encounter and upkeep.
Sensing his sadness, I emailed him.
I've been there. Cold Play was my REM. I would listen to it just to embrace the sadness. It felt as though I was stuck in perpetual gloom. But as time passed, my heart started to heal. I didn't have to listen to Cold Play constantly. I started listening to up beat music. And my mood changed. I wasn't as sad all the time. I actually started to feel some happiness.
Hearing someone else go through grief made me realize how far I've come in such a short time - and that I still have more to go. I've learned so many valuable lessons - which is such a gift in itself. And I will continue to learn lessons - with each relationship I encounter and upkeep.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Straight up
ass kicking is what I was just served.
Not being on the bike for a while HURTS. BAD.
My legs hurt. My shoulders are hunched. I'm starving out of my mind.
And yet I'm still giddy to get back out there and do it again. Two weeks, that's all I need. Two weeks.
Not being on the bike for a while HURTS. BAD.
My legs hurt. My shoulders are hunched. I'm starving out of my mind.
And yet I'm still giddy to get back out there and do it again. Two weeks, that's all I need. Two weeks.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
My windshield wipers haven't stopped working double time since Sunday evening.
Rain runs in steady, strong currents down the streets of downtown Seattle.
Seasoned locals wear sturdy rain coats - transplants are still trying to function with umbrellas. They looked shocked when you smile at them, drenched from head to toe, but know that your core is still warm and dry.
Just remember those few days in summer that make you realize why you put up with this shit.
Rain runs in steady, strong currents down the streets of downtown Seattle.
Seasoned locals wear sturdy rain coats - transplants are still trying to function with umbrellas. They looked shocked when you smile at them, drenched from head to toe, but know that your core is still warm and dry.
Just remember those few days in summer that make you realize why you put up with this shit.
A sign
I think somebody is trying to tell me something. I just tried uploading some photos of Mazama from the weekend and got denied multiple times. Sorry peeps - it's just not meant to be.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
Ushering in a New Year
Wow. I did it. I survived 2008. The ups, the downs - the sideways and inside outs. Done. Finished. History.
Thank God.
On Christmas Eve, Chris John's, Makiah and I headed east to 98833. I felt it was necessary to be there over the New Years - as a symbolic gesture to say good bye to 2008 and usher in 2009. Turns out this was a very smart decision, not only for the amazing skiing, but also for my heart and soul.
I'm glad I went - and glad for the company and support of a dear friend to help me through what was a difficult time. I had a little more closure with Ryan's passing - seeing Goat Wall for the first time since last September, feeling his presence in the cabin, laughing at the little things that he did to cabin that final week. Seeing a sun kissed mountain the final morning - and skiing my brains out. Not to mention having some belly laughs.
We had some good talks and thought of Ryan every time the cd player would start skipping or Makiah would start whining. Then oddly enough, when Wilco was played, the last cd he had listened to, it played in its entirety for the length of the album. I hear you loud and clear, babe.
I feel relieved that 2008 is over. And relieved the holidays are done. And more than anything I'm looking forward to what laughs and lessons 2009 has in store. It's off to a really good start...
Thank God.
On Christmas Eve, Chris John's, Makiah and I headed east to 98833. I felt it was necessary to be there over the New Years - as a symbolic gesture to say good bye to 2008 and usher in 2009. Turns out this was a very smart decision, not only for the amazing skiing, but also for my heart and soul.
I'm glad I went - and glad for the company and support of a dear friend to help me through what was a difficult time. I had a little more closure with Ryan's passing - seeing Goat Wall for the first time since last September, feeling his presence in the cabin, laughing at the little things that he did to cabin that final week. Seeing a sun kissed mountain the final morning - and skiing my brains out. Not to mention having some belly laughs.
We had some good talks and thought of Ryan every time the cd player would start skipping or Makiah would start whining. Then oddly enough, when Wilco was played, the last cd he had listened to, it played in its entirety for the length of the album. I hear you loud and clear, babe.
I feel relieved that 2008 is over. And relieved the holidays are done. And more than anything I'm looking forward to what laughs and lessons 2009 has in store. It's off to a really good start...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Hero
"History provides abundant examples of people whose greatest gifts was in redeeming, inspiring, liberating and nurturing the gifts of others."
- Sonya Rudikoff
- Sonya Rudikoff
Monday, December 29, 2008
Getting closer...
My friends skied with a lunatic today. Call it pent up feelings from the holidays, stress relief or whatever - but the knee deep powder with steep terrain, constant blowing snow, and grin factor was HUGE this morning.
And I felt like Ryan was there - with me on every powder turn, every face plant and hoop and holler.
Oh what a day!
I hope you get to enjoy something as much as I enjoy skiing...
And I felt like Ryan was there - with me on every powder turn, every face plant and hoop and holler.
Oh what a day!
I hope you get to enjoy something as much as I enjoy skiing...
Friday, December 26, 2008
Living it
If you knew something you did would help you pass time, make you forget your worries, allow you to feel like a kid again - what would stop you from doing it? Sometimes living your passion is the only way to live and if the planets align just right - sometimes you are fortunate enough to do so.
Skiing does it for me. There's something about cresting a hill on the lift, sliding down the ramp, strapping my poles onto my gloved hands and ripping it up down the hill at fast and nearly out of control speeds. Where either the lactic acid pump prevents me from lift to lift bombers or a powder bump turns out to be too big and sends me promptly into a face plant. Fortunately I got to ski the three days leading up to Christmas - and it really did help pass time when I really needed it.
Being in Colorado without you was a first. And it stung. Enjoying the runs we used to go down - this time without you there. I sobbed when I stepped into the condo where we spent such wonderful times. Your absence so loud.
Thankfully I planned on skiing today with my sister and her boyfriend Erik. We created some new memories. And I faced some old ones.
Today I saw someone who skied like you. Knees tucked, chopping into the hill and getting after it. I watched and thought to myself, you could totally smoke that dude on the hill! You certainly had your own style. I was always so proud of what a bad ass skier you were.
I also ran into Andre, an old neighbor who hadn't heard the news. He couldn't believe it. And neither could I. Suddenly transported back to the day I first found out - telling him what happened. Some things don't get easier.
But for a fleeting moment, while skiing between the trees in hip-deep powder, following my sister down the hill - my mind quieted and I lived in the moment. My tele turns are starting to link quicker than before, my boldness growing and my thighs strengthening as I lunge downhill. Taking jumps, throwing myself down steep hills, skiing over mini-cliffs. I know I could never beat you down the hill - but I would certainly always try to give you a run for your money.
As we rode up to the pass today, Makiah laid next to me in the back seat. She put her paw and head on my arm, a small fury comfort. Letting me know that this time I'm not facing a first alone - she's there. I am so thankful for my friends, family and little dog to help me through all my firsts.
Skiing does it for me. There's something about cresting a hill on the lift, sliding down the ramp, strapping my poles onto my gloved hands and ripping it up down the hill at fast and nearly out of control speeds. Where either the lactic acid pump prevents me from lift to lift bombers or a powder bump turns out to be too big and sends me promptly into a face plant. Fortunately I got to ski the three days leading up to Christmas - and it really did help pass time when I really needed it.
Being in Colorado without you was a first. And it stung. Enjoying the runs we used to go down - this time without you there. I sobbed when I stepped into the condo where we spent such wonderful times. Your absence so loud.
Thankfully I planned on skiing today with my sister and her boyfriend Erik. We created some new memories. And I faced some old ones.
Today I saw someone who skied like you. Knees tucked, chopping into the hill and getting after it. I watched and thought to myself, you could totally smoke that dude on the hill! You certainly had your own style. I was always so proud of what a bad ass skier you were.
I also ran into Andre, an old neighbor who hadn't heard the news. He couldn't believe it. And neither could I. Suddenly transported back to the day I first found out - telling him what happened. Some things don't get easier.
But for a fleeting moment, while skiing between the trees in hip-deep powder, following my sister down the hill - my mind quieted and I lived in the moment. My tele turns are starting to link quicker than before, my boldness growing and my thighs strengthening as I lunge downhill. Taking jumps, throwing myself down steep hills, skiing over mini-cliffs. I know I could never beat you down the hill - but I would certainly always try to give you a run for your money.
As we rode up to the pass today, Makiah laid next to me in the back seat. She put her paw and head on my arm, a small fury comfort. Letting me know that this time I'm not facing a first alone - she's there. I am so thankful for my friends, family and little dog to help me through all my firsts.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Chapped hands, cracked lips, dry flaky skin. Yep. It's winter again.
But with winter come naughty sugar plum fairies, rascally rat kings and twirling pasties. I witnessed the adult version of the Nutcracker tonight at the Triple Door with Pat, Christi and Cassie. Our senses were indulged in taste and sight as we watched ladies and a few gents discard all but a few items of coverage. The audience took a while to get into the show, but as the booze flowed and the numbers got hotter by the end of the show everyone was hooting and hollering. Definitely a nice night out on the town and a great way to get into the holiday spirit.
Actually I bought the tickets last July as a present for Pat. We toyed with going to a Mariners game at the time - but Ryan and I were unable to pin down a night thanks to our crazy schedules. So burlesque show it was! And low and behold, who should we notice swinging from the hanging hoops in the ceiling? TH's wife! And wow what a number!
There's a couple shows left for this weekend - so if you're looking for something to do and are stuck being at home thanks to the weather - head out and get your Nut Cracked! I mean, go crack some nuts! Um, I meant to say, well, just go check it out.
But with winter come naughty sugar plum fairies, rascally rat kings and twirling pasties. I witnessed the adult version of the Nutcracker tonight at the Triple Door with Pat, Christi and Cassie. Our senses were indulged in taste and sight as we watched ladies and a few gents discard all but a few items of coverage. The audience took a while to get into the show, but as the booze flowed and the numbers got hotter by the end of the show everyone was hooting and hollering. Definitely a nice night out on the town and a great way to get into the holiday spirit.
Actually I bought the tickets last July as a present for Pat. We toyed with going to a Mariners game at the time - but Ryan and I were unable to pin down a night thanks to our crazy schedules. So burlesque show it was! And low and behold, who should we notice swinging from the hanging hoops in the ceiling? TH's wife! And wow what a number!
There's a couple shows left for this weekend - so if you're looking for something to do and are stuck being at home thanks to the weather - head out and get your Nut Cracked! I mean, go crack some nuts! Um, I meant to say, well, just go check it out.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I remember when Ryan, in anger, used to ask, "WHY ME?!" He would get super frustrated and feel like the whole world was caving in on him. Then things would start battling against him - something would break, he'd get a speeding ticket, something on his jacket would tear - infuriating him more. And to help matters, I would often laugh.
The frequency of his outbursts diminished over time - but it took a while for him to accept that some things were the way they were. I'm no saint either. Our front hall closet bi-fold doors were broken for years when I tried to re-install them after we first painted the interior 7 years ago. They wouldn't fit in perfectly and as a result I grew more and more frustrated with them, eventually banging them on the floor and breaking the hardware. They remained propped up in the front hall until only just recently when Bill the handyman came over after Ryan passed to help me with my honey-dos.
I could easily ask "WHY ME?!" and grow into a fit of despair. But I won't. Instead I look at Ryan's passing as a way to grow. We taught each other so many lessons over the years. To harden up and bottle my emotions inside at this point would be a complete loss. Eventually they would come out - either manifested in some sort of sickness or addictive habit.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that Ryan's death is a gift. Some days are simply easier than others. And some days hit you up side the head. But the world does go spinning on. Tomorrow is a new day with a promise of being a little better than the day before. Life is not perfect. Far from it. The journey we must all take is making the most out of each moment and recognizing the beauty in it.
The frequency of his outbursts diminished over time - but it took a while for him to accept that some things were the way they were. I'm no saint either. Our front hall closet bi-fold doors were broken for years when I tried to re-install them after we first painted the interior 7 years ago. They wouldn't fit in perfectly and as a result I grew more and more frustrated with them, eventually banging them on the floor and breaking the hardware. They remained propped up in the front hall until only just recently when Bill the handyman came over after Ryan passed to help me with my honey-dos.
I could easily ask "WHY ME?!" and grow into a fit of despair. But I won't. Instead I look at Ryan's passing as a way to grow. We taught each other so many lessons over the years. To harden up and bottle my emotions inside at this point would be a complete loss. Eventually they would come out - either manifested in some sort of sickness or addictive habit.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that Ryan's death is a gift. Some days are simply easier than others. And some days hit you up side the head. But the world does go spinning on. Tomorrow is a new day with a promise of being a little better than the day before. Life is not perfect. Far from it. The journey we must all take is making the most out of each moment and recognizing the beauty in it.
The First Winter!
Like a well timed gift, I woke up this morning to loud thunder clapping over head at 5:30am. I slept a little longer until my alarm sounded and then rolled out of bed. A quick glance outside and I was doing the Risky Business dance! Snow Day! Snow Day!!! Thank you snow gods, you answered my prayers. :)
A quick text to DR confirming HSP was open and then I threw on my snow clothes, big boots and hiked out the door to lower Queen Anne. It's about a 20 minute walk. And today it was completely silent. I had fresh tracks on the sidewalk. My whistle carried for blocks - the excitement of a new white day such a gift.
My little sister graduates from the Art Institute of Seattle today - with honors! Classes are canceled but graduation is on. In Hawaiian tradition my mom ordered a ton of lei's to adorn her with.
I just took Makiah down to Gasworks and she had a complete blast. She's a snow dog for sure! Maybe the first winter won't be so bad after all...
A quick text to DR confirming HSP was open and then I threw on my snow clothes, big boots and hiked out the door to lower Queen Anne. It's about a 20 minute walk. And today it was completely silent. I had fresh tracks on the sidewalk. My whistle carried for blocks - the excitement of a new white day such a gift.
My little sister graduates from the Art Institute of Seattle today - with honors! Classes are canceled but graduation is on. In Hawaiian tradition my mom ordered a ton of lei's to adorn her with.
I just took Makiah down to Gasworks and she had a complete blast. She's a snow dog for sure! Maybe the first winter won't be so bad after all...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The First Winter.
Two candles illuminate my dinner for one. Across the table sits your photograph. The one where you can peer directly into your joyful soul. I try to remain upbeat, to put a smile in my heart and only tears come out. A couple of deep, loud sobs are followed by laughter in thinking of you standing in the threshold naked shaking your willy at me. (Sorry Moms!) Some days I really feel like I'm losing it. Moments of deep loss, shortly followed by loud laughter.
They said the holidays would be tough - but I think it's the winter that is the roughest. Where the nights are way longer than the daylight hours. Your absence echos in the house. I thought today of leaving this house - and immediately welled with more heart felt loss.
Now I look at your picture and it feels like a mirror. I know that smirk more than my own. That little dimple on the side of your mouth, facial hair stubble, self pierced ear. And your hands. I really miss your hands. They're not in the picture - but I can envision them as if they were right in front of me. Those gnawed off fingernails - callused and battered from climbing. Constantly in your mouth as you chewed on excess skin. "Who are you to talk?" As I look down at tattered nails. We definitely had that in common.
It was easier packing my ski bag for the upcoming weekend. I think first times are going to always evoke a lot of emotion. Understandable. Picking up the pieces of our lives together and forging ahead to make my own way is the toughest thing I have ever done. But it's a process I must go through to learn and grow. I'll take the highs and lows knowing that eventually it'll get a little easier. But oh, the first winter is tough.
They said the holidays would be tough - but I think it's the winter that is the roughest. Where the nights are way longer than the daylight hours. Your absence echos in the house. I thought today of leaving this house - and immediately welled with more heart felt loss.
Now I look at your picture and it feels like a mirror. I know that smirk more than my own. That little dimple on the side of your mouth, facial hair stubble, self pierced ear. And your hands. I really miss your hands. They're not in the picture - but I can envision them as if they were right in front of me. Those gnawed off fingernails - callused and battered from climbing. Constantly in your mouth as you chewed on excess skin. "Who are you to talk?" As I look down at tattered nails. We definitely had that in common.
It was easier packing my ski bag for the upcoming weekend. I think first times are going to always evoke a lot of emotion. Understandable. Picking up the pieces of our lives together and forging ahead to make my own way is the toughest thing I have ever done. But it's a process I must go through to learn and grow. I'll take the highs and lows knowing that eventually it'll get a little easier. But oh, the first winter is tough.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I keep thinking about writing something about Ryan and then when I sit down and try to do it - I can't formulate my thoughts into anything.
I am still numb.
Even after 3 months. Each day feels a little like the last. I wake up with an ache in my heart - still used to the normal morning rituals we used to go through. But now they're just my morning rituals.
Thankfully those first few weeks have been put to rest. Talk about having open heart surgery when you're still awake. But maybe this numbness is my brain trying to protect me from trauma. I know in time it will get better - everyone tells me that - but...
I felt Ryan when we drove to Whistler this weekend. When we passed the Chief in Squammish - I got a deep notion that he would want to be there. He spent a lot of time with Jesse on those walls. Then I was saddened while riding the lift up to the snow - sensing how much I loss. Surrounded by people, giddy to head to the mountain. Yet Ryan wasn't there. Ryan lived for powder days. He lived just to live. It made me cry - and yet when I was ripping it up on taking the line I wanted to take, being aggressive and getting after it - I could hear him cheering for me in my head. And that was such a good feeling. The numbness was gone, if only for a split second, and acceptance came into my consciousness.
I am still numb.
Even after 3 months. Each day feels a little like the last. I wake up with an ache in my heart - still used to the normal morning rituals we used to go through. But now they're just my morning rituals.
Thankfully those first few weeks have been put to rest. Talk about having open heart surgery when you're still awake. But maybe this numbness is my brain trying to protect me from trauma. I know in time it will get better - everyone tells me that - but...
I felt Ryan when we drove to Whistler this weekend. When we passed the Chief in Squammish - I got a deep notion that he would want to be there. He spent a lot of time with Jesse on those walls. Then I was saddened while riding the lift up to the snow - sensing how much I loss. Surrounded by people, giddy to head to the mountain. Yet Ryan wasn't there. Ryan lived for powder days. He lived just to live. It made me cry - and yet when I was ripping it up on taking the line I wanted to take, being aggressive and getting after it - I could hear him cheering for me in my head. And that was such a good feeling. The numbness was gone, if only for a split second, and acceptance came into my consciousness.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Whistling in Whistler
My dear friend Roanne turned 30 on Friday and invited me to celebrate with her and some friends up in Whistler for the weekend. We couldn't have timed it better - with a snow storm blowing in some flurries on Friday night and fresh powder on Saturday! She and Cam rented a condo within walking distance of the gondolas so we crammed 10 people into a space comfortable for 4. Reminded me of my college days!
We were all smiles at the base near the ticket booth on our way up Whistler mountain.
We did a couple of groomed green runs on Whistler, before quickly discovering that everyone else on the mountain was doing the same runs we were. So we headed out on the Peak to Peak gondola to Blackcomb. It was cool riding it - especially since it just opened the day before. At one point the gondola spans 3km of cable without any support - 1,200 feet above the valley floor!
Here's a shot of Emily - as we are just approaching the the last tower before the big span...
Apparently the gondola can still run in winds up to 60mph. But just think how scary it would get after that....
Ben and I were happy to be in the middle of the Gondola - where it felt a little safer? Check out the new jacket! It's a honing device for people to find me on the mountain and it works really, really well!
We skied the rest of the day on Blackcomb on some off piste sections - with enough coverage to make it pleasant - though we were still destroying some exposed bushes on the way down. A couple of front face dives (or as Mike deemed them - torpedoes!) and several hundred lunges later - I was more than ready for the hot tub! There's nothing like that after skiing exhaustion that puts you to bed by 9:30. I know - party animals, eh?
The next morning we opted to do some skate skiing at Callaghan. This facility is going to be used for the Nordic portion of the 2010 Olympics - so it was super cool to check it out. The luge was really cool - who knows, maybe some day I'll give that a go?
It was a beautiful bluebird day - but COLD! Temps were in the -15 Celcius - without the windchill factor. But our skate skiing adventures kept us nice and warm. Here's a shot of Fras, Cam's brother hamming it up while we watched a decathlon race finish up.
Then a group shot - Emily, myself, Fras and Kyle.
Fras, Cam and Kyle stopped for a second to let me capture them on film. Kyle sported the old school long socks and pant tuck method - and rocked the house on skate skis for the first time ever! Pretty impressive.
Roanne and I were separated from the rest of the group at one point as she was trying to teach me some techniques that might actually make me faster..... and as she tucked down a hill to swoosh down to the bottom, I heard her squeal and came around the corner to discover a complete wipe out!
We laughed for a solid 5 minutes. And just when I was thinking to myself, that's usually me who does something like that, I lost all of my balance and took a dig into the nicely groomed snow. We howled for another 5 minutes. Cam came around the corner, wondering where we were and when he asked what we were up to - we both just started giggling again. "Nothing." Ha!
To top it off - the race course finish was still fairly untouched so Cam, Ben, Fras and Emily decided to do some sprint finishes to the line. Fras smoked Ben with his double poling and enthusiasm technique.
And then Cam followed suite to throw his poles up in victory as he crossed the line before Emily. Those Charles brothers are quite a pair! (They kept calling each other Max all weekend from "Where the Wild Things Are.") "Nice work MAX!!!"
We left the park shortly thereafter and headed back to Vancouver to drop Ben off at the airport, after eating at the Swiss Chalet, everyone's favorite spot restaurant in Canada. I was introduced to the 1/4 chicken with fries, multi-grain roll and special sauce. And I have to admit, at first I was skeptical. But then after a while, it starts to grow on you. We made a mad dash to the airport, only to find out Ben's flight had been canceled due to the weather.
On we continued to Bellingham to pick up Makiah - boy was she happy to see us! And we watched the temps dip into the teens on our way home. Burr!!! The cold weather is supposed to stick around all week - making for some cold riding conditions or ideal skiing. On Saturday I head up to the Colorado Rockies for some more snow play and adventures - so looking forward to it!
We were all smiles at the base near the ticket booth on our way up Whistler mountain.
We did a couple of groomed green runs on Whistler, before quickly discovering that everyone else on the mountain was doing the same runs we were. So we headed out on the Peak to Peak gondola to Blackcomb. It was cool riding it - especially since it just opened the day before. At one point the gondola spans 3km of cable without any support - 1,200 feet above the valley floor!
Here's a shot of Emily - as we are just approaching the the last tower before the big span...
Apparently the gondola can still run in winds up to 60mph. But just think how scary it would get after that....
Ben and I were happy to be in the middle of the Gondola - where it felt a little safer? Check out the new jacket! It's a honing device for people to find me on the mountain and it works really, really well!
We skied the rest of the day on Blackcomb on some off piste sections - with enough coverage to make it pleasant - though we were still destroying some exposed bushes on the way down. A couple of front face dives (or as Mike deemed them - torpedoes!) and several hundred lunges later - I was more than ready for the hot tub! There's nothing like that after skiing exhaustion that puts you to bed by 9:30. I know - party animals, eh?
The next morning we opted to do some skate skiing at Callaghan. This facility is going to be used for the Nordic portion of the 2010 Olympics - so it was super cool to check it out. The luge was really cool - who knows, maybe some day I'll give that a go?
It was a beautiful bluebird day - but COLD! Temps were in the -15 Celcius - without the windchill factor. But our skate skiing adventures kept us nice and warm. Here's a shot of Fras, Cam's brother hamming it up while we watched a decathlon race finish up.
Then a group shot - Emily, myself, Fras and Kyle.
Fras, Cam and Kyle stopped for a second to let me capture them on film. Kyle sported the old school long socks and pant tuck method - and rocked the house on skate skis for the first time ever! Pretty impressive.
Roanne and I were separated from the rest of the group at one point as she was trying to teach me some techniques that might actually make me faster..... and as she tucked down a hill to swoosh down to the bottom, I heard her squeal and came around the corner to discover a complete wipe out!
We laughed for a solid 5 minutes. And just when I was thinking to myself, that's usually me who does something like that, I lost all of my balance and took a dig into the nicely groomed snow. We howled for another 5 minutes. Cam came around the corner, wondering where we were and when he asked what we were up to - we both just started giggling again. "Nothing." Ha!
To top it off - the race course finish was still fairly untouched so Cam, Ben, Fras and Emily decided to do some sprint finishes to the line. Fras smoked Ben with his double poling and enthusiasm technique.
And then Cam followed suite to throw his poles up in victory as he crossed the line before Emily. Those Charles brothers are quite a pair! (They kept calling each other Max all weekend from "Where the Wild Things Are.") "Nice work MAX!!!"
We left the park shortly thereafter and headed back to Vancouver to drop Ben off at the airport, after eating at the Swiss Chalet, everyone's favorite spot restaurant in Canada. I was introduced to the 1/4 chicken with fries, multi-grain roll and special sauce. And I have to admit, at first I was skeptical. But then after a while, it starts to grow on you. We made a mad dash to the airport, only to find out Ben's flight had been canceled due to the weather.
On we continued to Bellingham to pick up Makiah - boy was she happy to see us! And we watched the temps dip into the teens on our way home. Burr!!! The cold weather is supposed to stick around all week - making for some cold riding conditions or ideal skiing. On Saturday I head up to the Colorado Rockies for some more snow play and adventures - so looking forward to it!
Friday, December 12, 2008
It's beginning to look a lot like SNOW!
Ahhhhhh jjjjjjjeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Snow level near Bellingham is 1,000 feet - more dumpage predicted for the weekend. Headed up to Whistler - perfect timing to celebrate Roanne's birthday and get some skiing in. SUPER STOKED!!!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Misplaced
I was warned Ryan would hide things from me. And at first I didn't believe it. But now - now I can't find the keys to the garage and his motorcycle key. I've searched through pockets of all my coats hanging in the front hall closet, through all of my jeans, looked in the washer and dryer. Gone.
Time to buy some bolt cutters I suppose. And call Honda to re-cut a moto key for the Honda. Plus I should get the van started - it's been sitting for weeks with a dead battery. Man chores. Blah!
I've gotten used to mowing the lawn - that was my chore in high school when we lived on Sandpoint. And gutter cleaning was a newly acquired skill last November when our basement flooded due to malfunctioning gutters. (Once again - thanks Jo for helping me save the homestead!) But being the keeper of everything? It's a full time job. I miss being able to bitch to Ryan about having to do it all... he would just tease me about it and tell me how it was a good thing I had time to do all of it.
Time to buy some bolt cutters I suppose. And call Honda to re-cut a moto key for the Honda. Plus I should get the van started - it's been sitting for weeks with a dead battery. Man chores. Blah!
I've gotten used to mowing the lawn - that was my chore in high school when we lived on Sandpoint. And gutter cleaning was a newly acquired skill last November when our basement flooded due to malfunctioning gutters. (Once again - thanks Jo for helping me save the homestead!) But being the keeper of everything? It's a full time job. I miss being able to bitch to Ryan about having to do it all... he would just tease me about it and tell me how it was a good thing I had time to do all of it.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
"The Power of Now"
"The reason why some people love to engage in dangerous activities, such as mountain climbing, car racing, and so on, although they may not be aware of it, is that it forces them into the Now- that intensely alive state that is free of time, free of problems, free of thinking, free of the burden of the personality. Slipping away from the present moment even for a second may mean death. Unfortunately, they come to depend on a particular activity to be in that state. But you don't need to climb the north face of the Eiger. You can enter that state now."
All Night Long....
Thought you might need to get some happy tunes stuck in your head. This is courtesy of Renee Eastman who apparently forgot her iPod when headed to the gym....
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Drifting through
I've been waking up the past couple of weeks to dozens of thoughts drifting through my head. Unable to focus on one subject to make some sense of it, my mind bounces to the next. Little highlights of my life - current issues as well as past. Doing the dirty dishes, when I'm going to schedule in some stair running, paying this or that bill - the usual stuff that can bog down a day.
And often I wonder why I can't focus - why it's so hard to come to clarity when I have so much time to think. Reading certain books is a joke - I simply can't focus on them. My brain running a million miles a hour. I've reread the same paragraph probably 8 times.
Yet if I could focus, I wonder if I would just become a big puddle of tears. Maybe it's my brains way of coping - not allowing me to think too much on one subject but disperses its energy to avoid hurting my heart.
I am looking forward to having some fun. Getting out of the house - if only for a little while - to rejuvenate my spirit once again. I can't wait to howl down the slopes of Beaver Creek and eating shit in a big powder bowl. Good times, good times.
And often I wonder why I can't focus - why it's so hard to come to clarity when I have so much time to think. Reading certain books is a joke - I simply can't focus on them. My brain running a million miles a hour. I've reread the same paragraph probably 8 times.
Yet if I could focus, I wonder if I would just become a big puddle of tears. Maybe it's my brains way of coping - not allowing me to think too much on one subject but disperses its energy to avoid hurting my heart.
I am looking forward to having some fun. Getting out of the house - if only for a little while - to rejuvenate my spirit once again. I can't wait to howl down the slopes of Beaver Creek and eating shit in a big powder bowl. Good times, good times.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Following a hunch...
Mountains? You need some mountains? How about some Rocky mountains? Done. Headed to the Creek in a few weeks. So looking forward to it!
Abundance
"For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it."
Ivan Panin
Ivan Panin
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Comfort
"Every now and again take a good look at something not made with hands - a mountain, a star, the turn of a stream. There will come to you wisdom and patience and solace and, above all, the assurance that you are not alone in the world."
-- Sidney Lovett
I'm feeling the travel bug strike again. This time in the form of visiting the mountains.
And before I forget - I finally had another dream with Ryan in it last night. He came to the front door dressed in his red ski jacket with the hood pulled over his face so I couldn't tell it was him - yet I knew it was him. We didn't say anything - he just let me know that he was there.
Maybe it's a sign that the snow is coming? We can only hope.
-- Sidney Lovett
I'm feeling the travel bug strike again. This time in the form of visiting the mountains.
And before I forget - I finally had another dream with Ryan in it last night. He came to the front door dressed in his red ski jacket with the hood pulled over his face so I couldn't tell it was him - yet I knew it was him. We didn't say anything - he just let me know that he was there.
Maybe it's a sign that the snow is coming? We can only hope.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Wow - what a day. Woke up fairly early after spending a late night out with CQ and L. Clarke Experience, Millers and Brett at Serafina. Hopped on the bike, clocked hour tempo intervals and then quickly drove downtown to meet up with Heather a psychic.
And wow - what an experience. So many things were right on - it was uncanny. I'd share them - but you're going to have to ask me about them in person. But basically I'm going to be all right. Actually, I'm going to be more than alright. Ryan's watching over me everyday and puts a smile on my face every time I think of him.
Since I paid for two hours of parking, I headed down to the Market and did some Christmas shopping. It is so fun being down there - I swear it's when all the locals come out and shop. The gobs of tourists are gone - leaving only the Pacific Northwest's Finest. Yeah I'm talking about you Mr. Flip Flop man in the middle of December. And don't think I didn't notice you Mr. Socks and Sandles Man. And you too Mrs. Pregnant woman in brown dress with big puffy coat to conceal your big old baby belly. Call me a hippie or whatever - but when I heard some honky tonk music on the corner, I had to stop, soak in the sounds and then bought a CD. And ran into Senior Miller - random!
All in all - an excellent day that made my soul shine a little brighter. I'm thinking of you Ryan as I listen to this music and can just picture us square dancing in our living room....
http://www.thetallboys.com
And wow - what an experience. So many things were right on - it was uncanny. I'd share them - but you're going to have to ask me about them in person. But basically I'm going to be all right. Actually, I'm going to be more than alright. Ryan's watching over me everyday and puts a smile on my face every time I think of him.
Since I paid for two hours of parking, I headed down to the Market and did some Christmas shopping. It is so fun being down there - I swear it's when all the locals come out and shop. The gobs of tourists are gone - leaving only the Pacific Northwest's Finest. Yeah I'm talking about you Mr. Flip Flop man in the middle of December. And don't think I didn't notice you Mr. Socks and Sandles Man. And you too Mrs. Pregnant woman in brown dress with big puffy coat to conceal your big old baby belly. Call me a hippie or whatever - but when I heard some honky tonk music on the corner, I had to stop, soak in the sounds and then bought a CD. And ran into Senior Miller - random!
All in all - an excellent day that made my soul shine a little brighter. I'm thinking of you Ryan as I listen to this music and can just picture us square dancing in our living room....
http://www.thetallboys.com
Friday, December 05, 2008
Words to live by
Challenge yourself. Don't settle for the ordinary. Make yourself happy by doing what you love. Don't compromise anything.
Know that each day you live, your life is fulfilling, meaningful and fun.
Make it happen. You are the master of your destiny.
Oh - and don't forget to appreciate the beauty in life.
Know that each day you live, your life is fulfilling, meaningful and fun.
Make it happen. You are the master of your destiny.
Oh - and don't forget to appreciate the beauty in life.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Dang it.
I did it again. I just ordered Pizza from Pagliacci's and was on auto pilot. Two smalls, one verde primo, one Canadian bacon and pineapple with a small pagliaccio salad. I now have pizza left overs coming out of my ears. Good thing I love pizza! But you think I would have learned my lesson from last time...
Maybe I should feed the squirrels?
And I just stumbled upon this beauty of a zapper (that's for you L. Clarke!) - Thanksgiving pizza. I'll take the slice with pumpkin pie on it please!
Maybe I should feed the squirrels?
And I just stumbled upon this beauty of a zapper (that's for you L. Clarke!) - Thanksgiving pizza. I'll take the slice with pumpkin pie on it please!
Being
"Being is the eternal, ever-present One Life beyond the myriad forms of life that are subject to birth and death. However, Being is not only beyond but also deep within every form as its innermost invisible and indestructible essence. This means that it is accessible to you now as your own deepest self, your true nature. But don't seek to grasp it with your mind. Don't try to understand it. You can know it only when the mind is still. When you are present, when your attention is fully and intensely in the Now, Being can be felt, but it can never be understood mentally. To regain awareness of Being and to abide in that state of "feeling-realization" is enlightenment."
Taken from "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.
Taken from "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.
Seeking Professional Help
When I first decided I wanted to race, I immediately went out and found a coach. The first one happily took my money, over charged me for a service, and then I dumped him. The second coach I found was great - and we established a great relationship over the 3 years we worked together. At one point I decided to try a new approach to cycling and switched again, finding that the new coach and I had some barriers to overcome. When we didn't overcome those barriers quickly, I changed it up again. I happened upon my current coach unexpectedly and it's been smooth sailing ever since.
I decided to approach finding a grief therapist in this same form. Why struggle more than you have to? Why not dive right in and see what you can do to immediately improve your well being? So I met with a woman yesterday and already feel better. The only bummer though is my insurance doesn't cover it... so back to the drawing board to find someone who does. Anybody know anyone?
I decided to approach finding a grief therapist in this same form. Why struggle more than you have to? Why not dive right in and see what you can do to immediately improve your well being? So I met with a woman yesterday and already feel better. The only bummer though is my insurance doesn't cover it... so back to the drawing board to find someone who does. Anybody know anyone?
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Monday, December 01, 2008
I just read a journal entry from July 5th - the day after Ryan and I climbed a 3,000 foot spire in the North Cascades. I marveled at Ryan's endless energy for the very next day we rode up Washington Pass on our bikes. I could barely walk down the cabin steps - each step sending a sharp pain into my quads.
And here I am - nearly 5 months later with similar pain in my legs. And the realization how quickly your life can change.
I dreamt of seeing a psychic last night. Except I had all of these random people join me for it. Eventually it made sense to kick them out and get some one on one time with her - but it took me a while to realize all of these other spirits were just hanging on because they thought I could provide them answers. Unfortunately once I was alone with the psychic I can't remember anything we talked about. I woke up thinking I should take Makiah with me when I go see one this weekend to see if she sparks anything.
And here I am - nearly 5 months later with similar pain in my legs. And the realization how quickly your life can change.
I dreamt of seeing a psychic last night. Except I had all of these random people join me for it. Eventually it made sense to kick them out and get some one on one time with her - but it took me a while to realize all of these other spirits were just hanging on because they thought I could provide them answers. Unfortunately once I was alone with the psychic I can't remember anything we talked about. I woke up thinking I should take Makiah with me when I go see one this weekend to see if she sparks anything.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I miss Ryan. As we hiked down the Si trail head today I couldn't help but think about how compatible we were. How much I simply enjoyed his company. Our happy demeanor - our love for the outdoors and getting our hearts moving. The fact we could and did share everything with one another. I really really miss him.
We shared so many amazing adventures. We never sat still. Every weekend we were doing something - and it's been a huge transition the past several months in adapting to that. He was my soul mate.
And I really missed him when I had to wash off my dirty little dog in the tub solo. It's much easier to do that with two people. I'm figuring out a lot of things are easier to do with two people.
We shared so many amazing adventures. We never sat still. Every weekend we were doing something - and it's been a huge transition the past several months in adapting to that. He was my soul mate.
And I really missed him when I had to wash off my dirty little dog in the tub solo. It's much easier to do that with two people. I'm figuring out a lot of things are easier to do with two people.
Switching it up
Last night I had a slumber party at Pat and Christi's with the intention of going on the Rocket ride this morning. I slept super good - in until 7! A record! But we quickly discovered the wet mist and immediately changed our plans to go hike Mt. Si instead. Wise decision.
Si is a 8 mile round trip hike that gains roughly 3500 feet. It's a steady constant grind to the top and today it was super duper muddy! Luckily we were prepared with our hiking boots, pants and rain jackets. But poor Makiah was dirty from head to toe.
Christi snapped some awesome shots that were an instant reminder of why I love living in the Pacific Northwest.
But I was also reminded just how dirty Makiah can get. Low clearance does not bode well for muddy trails. She was so tuckered out by the time we got back to the car that she didn't fuss at all when I picked her up in a towel to try and do a little damage control before throwing her into the car.
Check her out! What do you think she was thinking here?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Last night I sat on the couch, loving Makiah up, thinking about multiple blog entries I could write and that are long over due. Funny when they strike you, you have the best of intentions - and if not acted on fade into oblivion.... but today's, well today's must be written.
Ryan and I have hosted Thanksgiving for the past several years at our house. The family is of course always invited but we usually invite a couple of dear friends into the mix. The house gets cleaned, the tables set three days in advance, the china brought out, the silverware polished, place cards set, no detail over looked. And that's just the table! Cooking the food is a three day ordeal as well - turkey brine prepared Tuesday then soaked Wednesday, pies baked, rolls made, ovens kicking out some serious heat, the aromas associated with cooking such a feast spread throughout the house. (Not to mention the hours put in prior collecting food, trinkets and such the week before.) Ryan's duty was to pick up the beverages and listen to me get neurotic as the dinner hour approached. And as we sat down and consumed three days worth of prep - in a matter of minutes, and then sat for hours around the table laughing and having a great time with our loved ones - we both would look at each other with a huge sense of contentment and commit to hosting it the next year.
But life throws curve balls.
My mom happily picked up and carried the torch - this time moving the celebration up to Chuck's house in Mill Creek. Turns out Chuck's never had a dinner party at his new house since he moved in three years ago. My mom has been carting her entire kitchen north - making multiple trips to ensure Thursday can be as good as it gets. Funny - it's only the two of us from our family. Everyone else is doing their own thing this year with their loved ones. I did invite Pat, Christi and Guy - they'll be joining us for the over eating. And I'm sure Ryan will be there - in all of our hearts. And Chuck's entire family will be there too.
(This is usually where my entry abruptly ends)
I'm so thankful this year for the past 12 years of my life that were lived to the fullest and without regret. And thankful that I get to continue living with my memories and create new ones. I hope your Thanksgiving is spent with those you hold dear to your heart and you're at a time in your life where you are truly happy.
Ryan and I have hosted Thanksgiving for the past several years at our house. The family is of course always invited but we usually invite a couple of dear friends into the mix. The house gets cleaned, the tables set three days in advance, the china brought out, the silverware polished, place cards set, no detail over looked. And that's just the table! Cooking the food is a three day ordeal as well - turkey brine prepared Tuesday then soaked Wednesday, pies baked, rolls made, ovens kicking out some serious heat, the aromas associated with cooking such a feast spread throughout the house. (Not to mention the hours put in prior collecting food, trinkets and such the week before.) Ryan's duty was to pick up the beverages and listen to me get neurotic as the dinner hour approached. And as we sat down and consumed three days worth of prep - in a matter of minutes, and then sat for hours around the table laughing and having a great time with our loved ones - we both would look at each other with a huge sense of contentment and commit to hosting it the next year.
But life throws curve balls.
My mom happily picked up and carried the torch - this time moving the celebration up to Chuck's house in Mill Creek. Turns out Chuck's never had a dinner party at his new house since he moved in three years ago. My mom has been carting her entire kitchen north - making multiple trips to ensure Thursday can be as good as it gets. Funny - it's only the two of us from our family. Everyone else is doing their own thing this year with their loved ones. I did invite Pat, Christi and Guy - they'll be joining us for the over eating. And I'm sure Ryan will be there - in all of our hearts. And Chuck's entire family will be there too.
(This is usually where my entry abruptly ends)
I'm so thankful this year for the past 12 years of my life that were lived to the fullest and without regret. And thankful that I get to continue living with my memories and create new ones. I hope your Thanksgiving is spent with those you hold dear to your heart and you're at a time in your life where you are truly happy.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
A boat glides through the glassy water of the canal on its way through Lake Union and potentially headed to Lake Washington. It putters by my window - easily visible through the tree branches that have shed nearly all their leaves. The sky is dark - the clouds a solid light gray sputtering rain and creating little ripples in the water.
Makiah rests beneath my desk, under foot, sleeping quietly and happy to be near. My iTunes spins perfect November music - that both warm the heart and recognize the cooler months ahead. My mind starts to ease a little - a much needed break from having a hard couple of days.
And the anticipation of winter sports continues to resurface. I pick up a new pair of sleds today - and my eagerness to get some white powdery terrain beneath my legs increases...
Makiah rests beneath my desk, under foot, sleeping quietly and happy to be near. My iTunes spins perfect November music - that both warm the heart and recognize the cooler months ahead. My mind starts to ease a little - a much needed break from having a hard couple of days.
And the anticipation of winter sports continues to resurface. I pick up a new pair of sleds today - and my eagerness to get some white powdery terrain beneath my legs increases...
Monday, November 24, 2008
Something to look forward to!
The base at Mt. Baker is slowly building. Ski season is surely on its way!
I needed that boost after sleeping like poo last night and then having Makiah puke in the car for the 2nd time in 72 hours. Blah!
wake up call
Haven't had a 2am wake up in a LONG time.
And here it is - 2 am and I'm awake.
I went to Bellingham for the weekend and a had a good time. Christi accompanied me and we visited a lot with Tom and Trish and saw a little bit of Molly between her work schedule. We did some great riding - on Saturday in the pouring 45 degree rain along Lake Padden, parallel to Lake Sammish, out Alger, along Lake Whatcom, stopping at the train trestles and then looping back to Lynn Street. As it rained from the ground up, I couldn't help but smile at our insanity to ride in the nasty weather - Ryan would have thought I was nuts but would have also been so proud. It was the last route we took together when we rode in Bellingham in August, except for the final Northshore loop. Which we ended up doing yesterday during the beautiful, cold crisp fall day. I got to see and visit a lot of our old haunts - and it made me sad but also happy to have those memories. There are so many more littered all over the ham.
Grieving is hard. So hard.
One minute you're ok with things and you think, wow - I'm doing ok. And then the next you're slammed to the ground, unable to move and barely able to breath. Paralyzed by tears, burdened by sadness. Waking up at 2 am with an ache in your heart that feels like a black hole. You long for his touch, the feel of his skin in clean sheets. I so miss my Ryan.
And here it is - 2 am and I'm awake.
I went to Bellingham for the weekend and a had a good time. Christi accompanied me and we visited a lot with Tom and Trish and saw a little bit of Molly between her work schedule. We did some great riding - on Saturday in the pouring 45 degree rain along Lake Padden, parallel to Lake Sammish, out Alger, along Lake Whatcom, stopping at the train trestles and then looping back to Lynn Street. As it rained from the ground up, I couldn't help but smile at our insanity to ride in the nasty weather - Ryan would have thought I was nuts but would have also been so proud. It was the last route we took together when we rode in Bellingham in August, except for the final Northshore loop. Which we ended up doing yesterday during the beautiful, cold crisp fall day. I got to see and visit a lot of our old haunts - and it made me sad but also happy to have those memories. There are so many more littered all over the ham.
Grieving is hard. So hard.
One minute you're ok with things and you think, wow - I'm doing ok. And then the next you're slammed to the ground, unable to move and barely able to breath. Paralyzed by tears, burdened by sadness. Waking up at 2 am with an ache in your heart that feels like a black hole. You long for his touch, the feel of his skin in clean sheets. I so miss my Ryan.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Phobias
Have you ever had something that terrifies you? The mere mention or thought of that particular thing would send shivers up and down your spine or cause you to feel light headed? The more you try to pinpoint that phobia, the worse it would get?
Well that's how I feel about the dentist. Maybe it was from watching too much of the Little Shop of Horrors as a kid. Or maybe I had a bad experience - though in recent memory I have no recollection of something traumatic happening.
But about 10 years ago, when Ryan and I first started dating, he accompanied me to my dentist in Lynnwood. They did a routine cleaning and then a casual check up, upon which they discovered a cavity. Rather than schedule another appointment, they had time to address the issue then. And that's when I found out. That's when I knew I had issues. That's when after being numbed up in the mouth, ear phones on while watching tv, one sound of the drill and I bolted from the chair. I left the office - not waiting for Ryan - unable to contain my anxiety. He couldn't help but laugh as he drove me home, mouth numbed and droll spilling down my face with my tears. They didn't even touch me!
So my next trip, a few weeks later, they prescribed me Valium. I know what you're thinking. Ms. Washington State Boxing Champ has a little weak spot. All you have to do is mention the word drill and I cower in the corner. My mommy drove me north, stopping at a park an hour before so I could take my special pill and we waited until the effects hit before heading to the office. The filling was fixed and I laughed at myself at how irrational my fear was.
Then 5 years passed. I went to another dentist who told me I should have all of my fillings replaced. Guess what? I never went back.
Five more years passed. Here I'm having a great time in the islands and my uncle gives me this Hawaiian candy and I crack a tooth on it. I thought it was maybe just a filling that had fallen out. I went to show my uncle, who is not a dentist, my mouth and totally felt faint. Head between the legs, deep breathing and everything. Upon my return to the mainland I made an appointment, picked up my Valium from the pharmacy this morning, had my mommy drive me again up to Lynnwood and bravely sat in the chair.
And that's when I found out I have a cavity that rotted my tooth and cracked it. DAMN! Guess what that means? Drill time. But at this point the drugs started working and with a little bit of laughing gas, I was floating on cloud nine without a care of what they were doing to my mouth. But I still could smell the burning tooth. A few moments later, and I was done. Why am I such a wimp?
All I can say is that phobias are so irrational and pretty funny... and I can't stop laughing at myself. You can bet your ass I'll be taking more Valium for my next check up in a few weeks!
Well that's how I feel about the dentist. Maybe it was from watching too much of the Little Shop of Horrors as a kid. Or maybe I had a bad experience - though in recent memory I have no recollection of something traumatic happening.
But about 10 years ago, when Ryan and I first started dating, he accompanied me to my dentist in Lynnwood. They did a routine cleaning and then a casual check up, upon which they discovered a cavity. Rather than schedule another appointment, they had time to address the issue then. And that's when I found out. That's when I knew I had issues. That's when after being numbed up in the mouth, ear phones on while watching tv, one sound of the drill and I bolted from the chair. I left the office - not waiting for Ryan - unable to contain my anxiety. He couldn't help but laugh as he drove me home, mouth numbed and droll spilling down my face with my tears. They didn't even touch me!
So my next trip, a few weeks later, they prescribed me Valium. I know what you're thinking. Ms. Washington State Boxing Champ has a little weak spot. All you have to do is mention the word drill and I cower in the corner. My mommy drove me north, stopping at a park an hour before so I could take my special pill and we waited until the effects hit before heading to the office. The filling was fixed and I laughed at myself at how irrational my fear was.
Then 5 years passed. I went to another dentist who told me I should have all of my fillings replaced. Guess what? I never went back.
Five more years passed. Here I'm having a great time in the islands and my uncle gives me this Hawaiian candy and I crack a tooth on it. I thought it was maybe just a filling that had fallen out. I went to show my uncle, who is not a dentist, my mouth and totally felt faint. Head between the legs, deep breathing and everything. Upon my return to the mainland I made an appointment, picked up my Valium from the pharmacy this morning, had my mommy drive me again up to Lynnwood and bravely sat in the chair.
And that's when I found out I have a cavity that rotted my tooth and cracked it. DAMN! Guess what that means? Drill time. But at this point the drugs started working and with a little bit of laughing gas, I was floating on cloud nine without a care of what they were doing to my mouth. But I still could smell the burning tooth. A few moments later, and I was done. Why am I such a wimp?
All I can say is that phobias are so irrational and pretty funny... and I can't stop laughing at myself. You can bet your ass I'll be taking more Valium for my next check up in a few weeks!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
A fog dampens and quiets the city. Yet my restless body woke this morning at 5:30am. Each morning the clock turns back a little more. Why can't I sleep in? What's urging me to get up in the wee hours of the morning? Is there something in my house that seeks my attention - some project that if I complete will let me rest?
It's cold in my house at that time of the morning. Shuffling to the back door, letting Makiah out sent a shiver up my spine. Thoughts of making sure I disconnect the hose before a big freeze comes run through my head. A drink of water, washes down my throat. I let Makiah back in, she glances at me as if to say, "go back to bed." Then she climbs onto her couch - perched like a cat and falls right to sleep.
Funny - when there's a ton of commotion going on I can sleep like a baby. But when it's just me - the sleep evades me.
All those 10+ hours of sleep a night I took for granted. Ryan was always amazed at how much I slept. I was always amazed at how little he would have to sleep.
It's cold in my house at that time of the morning. Shuffling to the back door, letting Makiah out sent a shiver up my spine. Thoughts of making sure I disconnect the hose before a big freeze comes run through my head. A drink of water, washes down my throat. I let Makiah back in, she glances at me as if to say, "go back to bed." Then she climbs onto her couch - perched like a cat and falls right to sleep.
Funny - when there's a ton of commotion going on I can sleep like a baby. But when it's just me - the sleep evades me.
All those 10+ hours of sleep a night I took for granted. Ryan was always amazed at how much I slept. I was always amazed at how little he would have to sleep.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Connected
I truly believe you can gain something through every relationship and friendship that you have with people. Each encounter has something valuable to teach you - and recognizing what that is can often be an art. It can also be very obvious.
Take my step-sisters for instance. When my dad remarried when I was 12, we had an instant family of 7 kids. I was lucky to grow up with not just one sister, but five. We all had a great relationship growing up - but once our parents divorced, we all went our separate ways. We recently reunited - and Aimee and Sarah came up to hang out in Seattle this weekend. Every where we went we came across people who were drawn to us - our happy and fun demeanor breaking down any walls that people would normally have. So my obvious gain from my relationship with them is actually that we will continue to live and grow together throughout the years. It is so special reconnecting with them and seeing how special each and every one of them are. I feel so fortunate in having 7 sisters. (Jennie, Sarah, Aimee, Betsy, Marcy and Jaimie)
Funny - when I was a teenager I always thought I preferred to hang out with the guys since I was more athletic and couldn't stand drama. But as I've grown, I've discovered how special and meaningful all the ladies in my life are.
Take my step-sisters for instance. When my dad remarried when I was 12, we had an instant family of 7 kids. I was lucky to grow up with not just one sister, but five. We all had a great relationship growing up - but once our parents divorced, we all went our separate ways. We recently reunited - and Aimee and Sarah came up to hang out in Seattle this weekend. Every where we went we came across people who were drawn to us - our happy and fun demeanor breaking down any walls that people would normally have. So my obvious gain from my relationship with them is actually that we will continue to live and grow together throughout the years. It is so special reconnecting with them and seeing how special each and every one of them are. I feel so fortunate in having 7 sisters. (Jennie, Sarah, Aimee, Betsy, Marcy and Jaimie)
Funny - when I was a teenager I always thought I preferred to hang out with the guys since I was more athletic and couldn't stand drama. But as I've grown, I've discovered how special and meaningful all the ladies in my life are.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Feeling lost....
This could be a direct affect from being foot loose and fancy free for the past 11 days on a tropical island - but I came home and feel more lost than ever. Torn between wanting to spend more time in a warm, sunny destination, but also bound to my home in Seattle - I feel uncertain of where my life is taking me next.
The holidays are coming - quickly. For the past two years Ryan and I have gone to far away destinations - and in my head I've already thought I should be gone again. So I've started looking into tickets to Australia, Thailand, Hawai'i and California. There was an invite to Sun Valley - a thought of going to the cabin and spending some winter time there... and yet my heart isn't pulling for one way or the other.
My mom's response today when I asked her what she thought of me going back to O'ahu was, "Jennifer you're 30 years old! You get to do whatever you want now!" Oh, that's right. I don't have to do what someone else would like or alter what I'd like to do to fit someone's time frame - it's all about me. And it's weird.
So when given a million options - with the opportunity to go any where in the world - where would you go?
The holidays are coming - quickly. For the past two years Ryan and I have gone to far away destinations - and in my head I've already thought I should be gone again. So I've started looking into tickets to Australia, Thailand, Hawai'i and California. There was an invite to Sun Valley - a thought of going to the cabin and spending some winter time there... and yet my heart isn't pulling for one way or the other.
My mom's response today when I asked her what she thought of me going back to O'ahu was, "Jennifer you're 30 years old! You get to do whatever you want now!" Oh, that's right. I don't have to do what someone else would like or alter what I'd like to do to fit someone's time frame - it's all about me. And it's weird.
So when given a million options - with the opportunity to go any where in the world - where would you go?
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Aloha!
Just finished a 3.5 hour ride up and down the ridge line near Kohola Ranch on the Big Island and am headed out in a few to go surfing with my uncle Keoki. STOKED! This trip has been a blast.... headed home on Wednesday though. :(
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Epic riding around Mauna Kea
My uncle Keoki has been meaning to do the Mauna Road around Mauna Kea for years. After calling around to a couple of his friends, we found a bike I could borrow for the day and 6 of us headed up to the mountain. Mauna Kea is the largest shield volcano on the island and boasts many micro-climates depending on which side you're on. We started at 6,500 feet and pedaled 30 miles down to as far as we could make it before the sun disappeared on us. Carson and I were pretty evenly matched - the last time I saw him and Alex was at our wedding in 2001 when they were 8 and 6. Carson's now 15 and such a nice kid! We had a great time riding together.
When asked how long I'd be staying for - we all said, maybe a year? Jokingly, but not really. Who wants to go home to the rain and cold?
2 months have elapsed - quickly but yet not at all. I still find myself waking up in the wee hours of the morning thinking of him. Today I remembered Ryan on our wedding day - one of the very rare instances of him sporting a suit. He was so handsome.
When asked how long I'd be staying for - we all said, maybe a year? Jokingly, but not really. Who wants to go home to the rain and cold?
2 months have elapsed - quickly but yet not at all. I still find myself waking up in the wee hours of the morning thinking of him. Today I remembered Ryan on our wedding day - one of the very rare instances of him sporting a suit. He was so handsome.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Island Fever
Call me crazy - but yesterday after doing the Waihe'e Ridge Trail hike and soaking in the island beauty, feeling a serious connection to my Hawaiian roots and heritage, and after speaking with my mom saying how terrible the weather is back in Seattle and that I should stay... plus a well timed call from my uncle Keoki saying we'd take a trip to Mahaiula and do some canoe surfing this weekend and BBQ.. well, I just found myself placing that call to the Hawaiian Airlines travel desk, postponing my ticket home and not naming a date... and booking a one way ticket from Kahului to Kona for only $69. Done deal. Today instead of coming home, I'm sticking around and getting some surf, sun and family time. Plus the really cool part - I'll get to stop in Oahu and visit with my grandmother on the way back to the mainland.
I don't think I've ever taken a spontaneous trip like this where I cancel my original plans and just be a beach bum. But why not? I'm blaming it on island fever...
I don't think I've ever taken a spontaneous trip like this where I cancel my original plans and just be a beach bum. But why not? I'm blaming it on island fever...
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
You know you're in paradise when...
Drinks like Rum Runner sound good and go down far too easily.
And discovering after taking a shower that all of that sand that blew into your hair is still there and looks like lice. Ha!
And you call home to check in and the snow level is down to 2,500 feet and your house is about to wash away from all of the rain.
Maui is wonderful. Need I say more?
And discovering after taking a shower that all of that sand that blew into your hair is still there and looks like lice. Ha!
And you call home to check in and the snow level is down to 2,500 feet and your house is about to wash away from all of the rain.
Maui is wonderful. Need I say more?
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Daylight savings...
Eager to start my day, I woke up long before my alarm clock was set to go off. I went to the kitchen, turned on the light and then glanced at my phone as I rubbed my eyes awake. And that's when I realized, it's not 6:45 - it's 5:45 am on a Sunday! I crawled back in bed and am listening to the steady fall of rain outside my window and hoping to get a little more shut eye before taking off this morning for Maui.
Had a fantastic ride yesterday with Liz and Cammie. We headed east to May Valley and were treated with the most brilliant fall colors - blanketing the roads and trail. Cammie happened to flat right next to a mini pony farm and I got to befriend some of the cutest mini's ever. I remember wanting one as a little girl to roam around my house - my mom would have NONE of that! She couldn't stand cats - what would she do with all that horse shit?!
Spent the evening hanging with my amazing little sister. She is a month away from graduating from the Art Institute and although stressed, she's super excited. It'll be interesting to see what career path she follows from this point on. I'm so proud of her!
Also started reading some books about being a widow. "Each year more than a million widows will join the 13.8 million widows and widowers in the United States." That's a HUGE number. Yet despite the overwhelming statistics, everyone has their own unique story to share - and are not alone. I found multiple widow websites and forums out on the web - and feel like I've come upon this secret society that bans together and understands what I'm going through. The average age of a widow is 50. Wild to think about.
And yesterday, as I laid on the couch, recovering from our long ride, I dozed off and was dreaming of him. I remembered vividly the last time we climbed together and his amazing smile - the way his hands felt on my skin, his inner peace when we reached the summit. It actually gave me a lot of comfort to think of him in that way.
Had a fantastic ride yesterday with Liz and Cammie. We headed east to May Valley and were treated with the most brilliant fall colors - blanketing the roads and trail. Cammie happened to flat right next to a mini pony farm and I got to befriend some of the cutest mini's ever. I remember wanting one as a little girl to roam around my house - my mom would have NONE of that! She couldn't stand cats - what would she do with all that horse shit?!
Spent the evening hanging with my amazing little sister. She is a month away from graduating from the Art Institute and although stressed, she's super excited. It'll be interesting to see what career path she follows from this point on. I'm so proud of her!
Also started reading some books about being a widow. "Each year more than a million widows will join the 13.8 million widows and widowers in the United States." That's a HUGE number. Yet despite the overwhelming statistics, everyone has their own unique story to share - and are not alone. I found multiple widow websites and forums out on the web - and feel like I've come upon this secret society that bans together and understands what I'm going through. The average age of a widow is 50. Wild to think about.
And yesterday, as I laid on the couch, recovering from our long ride, I dozed off and was dreaming of him. I remembered vividly the last time we climbed together and his amazing smile - the way his hands felt on my skin, his inner peace when we reached the summit. It actually gave me a lot of comfort to think of him in that way.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Holiday #1 - DONE.
Halloween always kicks off the holiday season in true style. It's all a down hill slide from here. It's the one night where people are finally comfortable to let their guard down, show a little skin, go out on the town and drink too much. Myself included. Ryan and I have always celebrated Halloween - from leprechauns to Hunter S. Thompson outfits to genies, tweedle dees and dums, to fish heads. It's just too fun of a holiday not to participate in - and usually results in some good stories.
Like last night for instance - I broke out my stinky boxing gear from a past life and donned it to Tricia's house. Morgan drew a black eye on my face, trying to make it look realistic. And then later that night at Christine's party nobody messed with me. Not a single soul. I could have been a contender! So what I was dancing with a cow boy? Too funny. And if I didn't have a crazy enough night - Dan and Adrian branded themselves last night. Crazy boys!
I came home, safe and sound, crawled in bed, thankful to have survived another Halloween, but this time without Ryan. I wonder what he would have been this year.
Like last night for instance - I broke out my stinky boxing gear from a past life and donned it to Tricia's house. Morgan drew a black eye on my face, trying to make it look realistic. And then later that night at Christine's party nobody messed with me. Not a single soul. I could have been a contender! So what I was dancing with a cow boy? Too funny. And if I didn't have a crazy enough night - Dan and Adrian branded themselves last night. Crazy boys!
I came home, safe and sound, crawled in bed, thankful to have survived another Halloween, but this time without Ryan. I wonder what he would have been this year.
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