I remember when Ryan, in anger, used to ask, "WHY ME?!" He would get super frustrated and feel like the whole world was caving in on him. Then things would start battling against him - something would break, he'd get a speeding ticket, something on his jacket would tear - infuriating him more. And to help matters, I would often laugh.
The frequency of his outbursts diminished over time - but it took a while for him to accept that some things were the way they were. I'm no saint either. Our front hall closet bi-fold doors were broken for years when I tried to re-install them after we first painted the interior 7 years ago. They wouldn't fit in perfectly and as a result I grew more and more frustrated with them, eventually banging them on the floor and breaking the hardware. They remained propped up in the front hall until only just recently when Bill the handyman came over after Ryan passed to help me with my honey-dos.
I could easily ask "WHY ME?!" and grow into a fit of despair. But I won't. Instead I look at Ryan's passing as a way to grow. We taught each other so many lessons over the years. To harden up and bottle my emotions inside at this point would be a complete loss. Eventually they would come out - either manifested in some sort of sickness or addictive habit.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that Ryan's death is a gift. Some days are simply easier than others. And some days hit you up side the head. But the world does go spinning on. Tomorrow is a new day with a promise of being a little better than the day before. Life is not perfect. Far from it. The journey we must all take is making the most out of each moment and recognizing the beauty in it.