For some reason all I can think about today is that one day I woke up in January to snow on the ground and had the walk into the gym. I suppose you could say we paid our dues. Now it's nearing 100 degrees and supposed to stay there a few days in a row. I've got a paddle board reserved for mid-day and am smoking the 15.5 pound salmon I caught in the sound the other night. Life is good....

But in the midst of our heat wave - I am hoping and praying our forests don't explode into an epic fire. Lightening strikes have started several fires in the Baker/Snoqualmie forests.... check out this link for aerial photos on the area in question.

It's 67 degrees in my basement and I'm loving it. Time to work on the office for a change...

Mind over matter

It's interesting how sometimes you can learn and relearn the same lessons time and time again and sometimes in the matter of days.

My last post I mentioned being able to shut out a cracked fork and then come back and place 2nd in the miss and out. Well this year - things didn't go according to plan either. I lined up in a large field of women for the miss and out - typically my favorite race. This year the field would be whittled down to 5 ladies before one neutral lap and then a sprint to the finish. I circulated myself to the front and then got circulated back - a normal position to be in. But then with 20 people left, I got pulled! I had a sinking feeling when I knew I had crossed the line that it might be all she wrote... and into the infield I went. A little upset but also reminded that I shouldn't have been where I was and that you have to always think about position until it becomes second nature.

The great thing about track racing? You get another opportunity to race. Mastering the ability to brush things off is essential.

Up next - a 8x5 points race. Since I qualified for nationals earlier in the day in the pursuit (getting beat by Shelley Olds by .7 seconds! With NO pursuit training!), the pressure was off and I could go for it in the points race. And go for it I did! The pace was super high - the race was super aggressive and I had this monster sprint that shocked even me! At one point I was tied with Shelley for 2nd place - and unfortunately had poor positioning for the last two sprints. If I had just shadowed their wheels during the race, I may have been able to out sprint her and place 2nd instead of 3rd. All in all it was an amazing race - one of my top 3 all time races.

As I pulled over afterward on the back straight to get a congratulatory hug from Jennie, we realized that instead of being in a 51x15 I had on a 51x14! HOLY SHIT. A 98"? Seriously? Talk about mind over matter. At the time I thought nothing of it - just that I had more gear to sprint on. But thinking back - that's why the miss and out was so lame. I couldn't accelerate fast enough! I nearly fell over laughing. 98". Wow. That's a new record. And just goes to illustrate how much track racing is mind over matter.

Whoa, 2008 was f*&^ed up!

So today I was recalling what happened last year at FSA and realized things didn't go so smoothly. During the team pursuit, our team caught and tried to pass another team on the track and they did an exchange just as we tried coming around them after yelling at them to stick. Not a big deal except it was our last lap and it caused big confusion for all of us and I gaped off the other two riders for the finish and they rolled in a couple of seconds behind..... if it wasn't an event I feel passionate about I wouldn't have cared. But since we were going against some top talent and I wanted to see how we would stack up - I was a little upset.

No big deal, shrug it off, right? It's just a silly bike race.

Then as I was changing my bars, I had a friend help me put them on. I struggle with putting the bars back on the right way - so as I watched him crank the stem clamp onto the fork and then crack the fork - I panicked. I may not have shown it on the outside, but on the inside I was screaming! It's just a bike race, just a bike race. I proceeded to race the Miss and Out on a cracked fork regardless and got 2nd.

It just goes to show that sometimes don't go as planned. And sure it would be easy to play the victim and get down, letting those hick ups disrupt your concentration and efforts. But shit happens in this world far too much and if you can't laugh at the stupid things then you'd be stressed out all the time.

So I hope and pray that I ironed out all the kinks before the competition tomorrow. But if not - then oh well! You've got to be able to roll with the punches and have faith that some day the planets will align and everything will be okay.

If you're looking for something to do this weekend - come check out the races at Marymoor both Friday and Saturday nights. The pony show starts at 7.

Upcoming show September 4, 2009

Larch, 4′x6′ oil by Trish Harding

more www.bluehorsegallery.com

I want to thank my “friends in painting” for all the support that you have given me since Sept 7th 2008; the day my world came to a halt and I was cast into a strange and different one. My saddness has been lessened by all of your incredible concern and kindness. Thank you, I mean that with all of my heart.

As some of you know, I am working on an extremely important show (for me) that is called Altitude which will appropriately open in September at the Blue Horse Gallery. Appropriate because Ryan’s accident was in September 2008.

This show has been very difficult to work on for a couple of reasons. For one it was really hard to see. Since I wear glasses, whenever I would be overcome with grief while painting, my glasses would get tears all over them and I would have to take them off, clean them, wipe my eyes, blink alot and try to focus my eyes again before I could but the darn glasses back on and get back to work. Wearing glasses, you see, has become more of an inconvienience than I ever thought possible. Second, it has been an intellectual struggle of mammoth proportions to try to understand why I was allowed such a short time with my son. Is it because he was an old soul, a brilliant star or was it just the way it is? It has been an emotional yet cathartic experience trying to learn, through it all to revere Ryan’s world. It has, on the other hand, been cathartic because I think that I have come close to understanding how he felt sitting way up there after the climb…incredible! And I am happy that he got to feel this, something that many people never experience in their lifetime!

Come with me to Mazama, Washington! Come with me on this visual trip and see the places that Ryan loved! I not only want to share it with you but I want you to experience, just one more time, the spirit of our beautiful son, Ryan, the only way I know how to express it as I come to some sort of closure and I move on with my life without him.

My promise to you is that it will be a celebration and not a sad affair! Eventhough I feel life has cheated me somehow, I still hold on to how lucky I am to have had him as long as I did. I truly believe that he is a star in my night sky.

I now focus on the great luck that I continue to have. The brilliance that flashes at me when I look into our daughter Molly’s eyes. How very much she means to me and what a miracle that she is. And our daughter-in-law, Jennifer. I believe that Jennifer was the missing piece to the complex puzzle that was Ryan. She made him complete before he had to leave. How lucky was he?

Now, as I take off these darn glasses again and wipe my eyes I am posting my artist statement and remember, “you are expected”.
Altitude

Altitude is a show that is inspired by a road trip to Mazama in the Fall of 2008 as we drove from Bellingham which is sea level and traveled steadily up and over highway 20 to end up at over 6000 feet at Hart’s Pass, literally, sittin’ on top o’ the world!

Through the use of light and value my aim was to capture the feeling of an other-worldliness that sitting on a mountaintop brings. I carefully constructed the compositions to give a sensation of vertigo that I experience when I am at high altitudes. I used circular under-paintings that would influence the direction of bold, colorful brush strokes to create a feeling of motion, completeness and connection, all adjectives, which have often been used to describe our son, Ryan.

With these paintings I am taking the viewer on that road trip with me during a magic autumn day of excited anticipation to see Ryan & Jenny’s new cabin at the base of Goat Mountain and to experience with me the feeling that I had that day which was…”The world around me is incredible and my children are amazing. My husband is by my side and I do not require one more single thing or circumstance that will make me any happier or more fulfilled than I am right now!”

That feeling was to change. By the next autumn we were traveling to Mazama again but this time heading East on Highway 90 and for a very somber reason. The second part of the show depicts the emotional journey back from retrieving our beloved Ryan’s ashes.

I am convinced that Ryan’s belief that he was and remains a critical piece in the larger scheme of Mother Nature is what enabled him to experience life with no fear and no greed. But the feeling that he experienced when he had climbed to the top of a 1500-foot face of granite under his own physical prowess was the ultimate.

The artistic journey that I have taken to put this show together was extremely difficult and cathartic at the same time. I now revere the places that Ryan loved, I understand that risk was a huge component of Ryan’s rock climbing experience and this risk was indeed the biggest component of Ryan’s prelude to the mystery!





More about Ryan

Our beloved Ryan Alan Murray Triplett was born in Bellingham, Washington on June 5, 1977. He died September 7, 2008 on Goat Mountain, near Mazama, Washington long before we were ready to let him go. Ryan was an accomplished athlete in hockey, canoeing, backcountry & downhill skiing, and is well respected in the cycling and rock climbing communities. He was a hard-working software developer with many ideas for the future, but his true passions were his wife and rock climbing. He was an adventuresome soul devoted to his beloved Jennifer, with whom he shared the fairy-tale love. Ryan had many passions: friends, traveling, family, his wonder-dog Makiah, and the outdoors. Ryan could often be found on Turn 2 at the Marymoor Velodrome cheering on Jennifer, a national track champion. Ryan and Jennifer met as college students at Western Washington University, where he graduated in 2001; the couple was married in Bellingham on September 2, 2001.

Ryan is survived by his loving wife, Jennifer Ann Sutton Triplett and dog Makiah Blue Triplett; mother & stepfather Trish and Tom Harding of Bellingham; sister Molly Harding of Bellingham; sister and brothers Tammy, Garrett and Wyatt Harding of California; father and stepmother Gary and Anita Triplett of California; grandmother, Annamae Murray and aunts Donna Erickson and Judy Walston of Bellingham; aunt Barbara Chevalier of Arizona; uncles Bill Murray of Bellingham and Darrell, Wayne and Jim Triplett; several cousins; in-laws Caprice Magoon, and George, Jaimie, Coleman and Laurel Sutton; Marcy Sutton; and friends too numerous to mention.

Ryan died pursuing his passion for rocks and heights in Mazama, Washington, a special place for him. We shall all miss him, but he will live on in the hearts of all those he touched and we will always remember his words, “Live Your Passion”.

For more information go to http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.html?topic_id=672814

More info about Ryan: Rock and Ice, issue 179 / July 2009, Cliff Notes

Alpenrose is like an ancient wooden roller coaster. Sure there are newer, safer models out there but it's still fun as hell and contending with the G-forces in the corners puts a smile on your face afterward. Maybe it's the feeling of skating fate from the rough corner transitions or the bumpy track - or maybe it's because you're surrounded by people who love this sport equally as much - but regardless come Monday morning after the AVC, nothing can move me from the couch and put me back on the bike.

We, being Tela, Kendi, Christine and I had a very successful weekend. Each of us brought home a little cash and had a great time. Highlights include winning the women madison (with Christine!), Kendi winning the points race, me third and Christine 4th, Tela and I getting 2nd in the team sprint, Tela placing 3rd in the sprints, 6th in the Kierin, having Jennie Reed around to tell me to attack in the scratch race and nearly holding off the hard charging field for the win and 3rd in the Miss and Out.

And of course reconnecting with friends you haven't seen since the previous year and creating new memories is always a blast. Seeing some track records get broken and watch everyone's hard work and dedication pay off. I can't wait for the event again next year!

This weekend is the annual Alpenrose Velodrome Challenge. Racing starts Friday and continues all the way through Sunday. I'm headed down with a great group of ladies - Tela, Kendi, Mary, Christine and Jennie. Should be a blast!

And after yesterday's training session, I think it's safe to say I'm prepared. We did a point simulation effort behind the motor - winding up speeds close to 31 and then sprinting around the motor. At one point I got popped from the motor and it took me a while to recover - only to get back on and have to sprint again. I felt like my head was going to explode on the final effort - and shortly after it was over went to sit down in the shade not to get back up for a 1/2 hour. I was hurtin' for certain.

And afterward Jennie said, "that was UCI pace." For the record - that pace is not easy AT ALL.

Mad plug for Amara at Wheels in focus for taking the following shot. This photo captures the intensity the Friday Night racing saw out at Marymoor last weekend. Everyone is watching everyone else - waiting for the first move to be made and the match of accelerations. Good times, good times. :)

Can't sleep tonight. Or is it this morning?

Yesterday's residual emotions still weigh heavy on my mind - waking me up and keeping my brain spinning with thoughts of Ryan. I suppose it didn't help that yesterday I contacted the sheriff's office to see if they could tell me the exact location of where they found him. For some reason that made sense to me before - but after finding out, it stirred up so many emotions that here I am, up at 4am after going to bed at midnight.

It penetrated everything last night. Even my track sanctuary was disrupted. I could feel it during the warm up, bubbling up like an unwanted guest. But this time it wouldn't be ignored. This time after my first race and attempt to shut it out, it came crashing in sending me to the infield in a puddle of tears and despair. Christine came up and sat next to me, putting her arm around me and just let me cry. I started to feel a little better. And then I went to the stands where Trish (Ry's mom) and Molly (his sister) were watching and just started baling. They thought it was because they were there - but no, I told them about speaking with the deputy and how I couldn't shut it out anymore. I was so thankful to have them there - putting their arms around me, missing Bubba so much.

A lump is forming in my throat already.

Some how I was able to pull it together and get back to the racing. But afterward, I still lay awake in the wee hours only to feel the hole in my heart is still raw and needs a lot more healing.

I want to do some sort of memorial in Mazama on September 7. If you are interested and would like to go, please contact me.

Dirty Old Men, Estrogen and Good Samaritans

Yesterday was a good day and carried into today.

I went for a recovery ride with Tela and Kendi through Magnolia and then downtown. The sun was shining and there was minimal traffic to contend with. While riding the scenic route around Magnolia we were chatting, having a good time, enjoying the scenery and then accosted by a dirty old man. He was walking on the side walk, lifting up his shorts to display the upper portion of this thigh, whistling at us and holding a teddy bear. The response he got was three girls cracking up and cackling down the hill - and an image burned into my head that I'll never forget.

Then later that afternoon, I had a Tour date with Jennifer, Mary, Kendi, Julie and two other ladies at the Reading Gaol in Ballard. As we watched, more like glanced, at the TV as the riders strut their stuff on Versus, we also determined which Tour riders could be "my babies daddy." Cancellera was definitely in the running for the lion king. Just goes to show evolution still weaves its way into ordinary life and women pick the male who struts his bizness the most. Ha!

Quote of the night... as the one lone male dared to enter the room full of estrogen cackling ladies, Kendi said to me, "whoa. I haven't seen hairy legs in a while."

This morning I woke up a little later than anticipated but still made it into the gym. I skipped my morning coffee but planned on stopping at Pete's for some java and ended up buying a pound of coffee. As I walked with my steaming cup of joe in my hand across Fremont bridge, a passing cyclist asked, "is the bike okay?" To which I smiled, yes. Thanks for asking! Then I wondered why people don't ask, "is the human okay?" I suppose bike mechanics are easier to fix then people problems.

I watched the saddest movie I've seen in a long time. Revolutionary Road. It made me miss Ryan with a big lump in my throat, accompanied by deep, snotty sobs. The promise of going through life with my soul mate, a person who would always adventure with me, bring out the best in one another, to laugh with, cry with, have children with - gone.

Funny, I had just gotten into a sort of routine and started adapting to working really hard on the track bike. A diversion from grief. And then I watched that movie and it came crashing back in. I sat awake in bed last night, transported to 10 months ago. And then the news of John Bachar? I suppose the crying today was inevitable.

Ooff. Both blows below the belt.

Just goes to show - life has so many ups and downs, often back to back. I suppose you just get used to the roller coaster life.... and never take anything for granted.

Bummer.

Giving in

Gave into the ridiculous idea of not drinking coffee this morning. Boy, that was stupid! Especially after an early morning of pumping weights and then a solid-kill-your-legs-and-fall-over-afterward 500m standing start efforts. I'm back on the java - so look out!!!

Pushing

Yesterday was a hard training day. Hard in the fact that my strengths and weaknesses were displayed in full view, right before my very eyes.

With a huge workout on tap, it's tempting to think about the workout in its entirety. But if you do the beginning may be too discouraging. If you dissect each portion of the workout, break it down effort by effort - it suddenly becomes more manageable. The reason? You have to give each pedal stroke, each revolution 100% of your ability in order to get better.

Yet my mind wanders.

Why is it I battle concentration the most during my training? I'm able to easily flip the switch when I'm racing and tune out any external forces - but when I'm training, I listen to the million of voices begging for my attention, trying to divert me from the task at hand.

For example, here's what went through my head yesterday on the first of three sets of 3x300m full out rolling efforts. I should be going full gas for 20 seconds, only concentrating on pushing...

"Man this hurts. Why are my forearms rubbing on my bars? I wonder if Ryan is watching me. I wonder how Mary's efforts are going? I should smile more when I race. Those wheelsinfocus photos were not flattering - maybe I should have a surgeon fix my lips into a permanent smile. This gear is huge. Point your elbows! Flex that core! Push, push, push!!! Oh thank god that's over!"

And you know, as well as Jennie, that I didn't give that first effort my full intensity. It also didn't happen for the next one, or the one after that..... but by the last effort, the one I put my heart and soul into, the one where I got fed up I wasn't pushing - that one counted.

Afterward I felt exhausted, unable to talk. Ready to lie down in the grass and recollect my energy. My mental and physical exertion stretched to the max.

So why is it I can't give every single effort that maximum go? I strive for it every time I come out to the track. Yet I can only achieve it on my superwoman days. Time to start working the concentration aspect, I suppose.... time to push more.

I've heard meditation practice where you silence the mind for 20 seconds would help. It's hard not to let a thought interrupt you in the first 3 seconds of meditation... but with a little practice, I should be able to get up to 5 seconds.

The mind is such a powerful thing. You'd think I'd be sinking in as much energy into it as I do my physical training... time to dust off those mental training books.

I am attempting to go without coffee today. Attempting being the key objective.

After yesterday's monster track workout I could use a little boost. Especially since I already made it into the gym this morning to lift weights and am still blurry eyed.

We'll see how it goes....

It's 9:18 am and I'm already drooling for some java. RESIST!!!

It could have been a really hard weekend this past weekend. I could have stayed home, saved those bold encounters and reminders for a different time. I could have waited till another time to have a steady reminder that being in San Jose was the last time I talked to Ryan on the phone, the very last time I heard his voice and hear him say I love you. The tear filled drive home and then the beginning of my nightmare - but I went anyway. I had to. And I am so thankful to have been surrounded by my teammates and friends - excited about racing and having a great time, quick to make each other laugh.

Sure I had my moments. Like oddly finding out Michael Jackson died. I swear we were in the same location at about the same time when Ryan went out climbing - about 2 hours outside of San Jose. Is life really that random?

Then hearing from Ryan's dad for the first time in months. Hearing in his voice how hard Father's day was. I felt like sobbing out loud while warming up on my rollers before the points race.

But then being surrounded by friends from around the country. Some of whom said something, some didn't. Thank you to those who did.

Then things started getting a little easier. I raced my bike and good things happened. I felt alive. I displayed 100% of my ability. I laughed, I got paid for my podium efforts. And I smiled, a lot. I was surrounded by people who love track racing as much as I do - and it revived my passion for this sport. So much in fact, I'm seriously considering going to elite nationals.

I was reminded again of an important life lesson. Life is too short not to be doing what you love, living your passion and dreams, whatever those may be. If you don't - then one day you'll wake up and think nothing of Michael Jackson dying. :)

Oh yeah, boyyyyyeeeeeee!!!!!

Going back to Cali Wednesday. Road trip in my 1990 Vanagon with teammates Tela and Kendi. Adventures abound!

$1,000 to the points race winner. Incentive? You bet!

My bro, the manscaping Pro!

Check it out - just got this email from my brother...

"As some of you may remember, a couple of years ago we had an 80's costume New Years party in Seattle where I went as Richard Simmons.

Well Jamie entered a picture of me from that party in a KDUK 104.7 "Manscaping" contest for Fathers Day. . . And I won.

What a way to exchange a funny photo for a session of laser hair removal.

Hopefully they won't be upset when they realize the chest hair in the picture was the bangs from my wig glued to my chest.

Thank you Jamie!

G."

Check out the other finalists here.

Good Kharma

My yard was out of control. Weeds were growing to new heights and neglect ruined any notion of making a difference. Between traveling, riding and living, my yard has definitely seen better days. I first tried hiring my neighbor to help me out when my silly attempt at running a weed whacker left my yard looking like a tornado touched down in a random pattern. Then there's always the struggle of mowing my severely slopped front yard. The ivy has taken over the sidewalk and my back yard is a dust bowl/dandelion meadow/overgrown joke! A recent BBQ had my cycling team laughing and poking fun at it. But in all reality - running a 1,500 square foot house solo is a lot of work!

As I tried focusing more on my mental well being by leaving town and traveling to the Rogue River, Hawaii, Chicago and the North Cascades - it would be shadowed by the growing problem of having to tackle the yard eventually. With a little nudge by my mom - we decided to find someone to help me with it. And thankfully, my coworker Jasmine was listening in and made a mention that her dad does landscaping and she could talk to him.

A crew of four people showed up at my house yesterday and spent three hours trimming hedges, weed whacking, weeding, cleaning and doing a massive cleanup that would have taken me FOREVER. It inspired me to address some other neglected areas in my life - like organizing my cycling clothes and cleaning out the green house. They finished around 6 - and I was ready to find out how much the damage was. Regardless of cost, it was absolutely worth it. The huge burden was lifted off my shoulders and now I can plant my tomato plants, water my garden, etc. And that's when Jasmine told me, we're done! And I replied, what do I owe you? Nothing. WHAT? Nothing? No way - I have to do something. You guys worked your asses off and I must give you something in return. Nope.

Wow. I was stunned and shocked, to say the least. I couldn't believe someone would go so far out of their way to help me. I'm still stunned. And shocked.

It also made me realize how important it is to give to others selflessly. Not because you expect anything in return, but because it's the right thing to do.

Tragic news

Last night I went to a film at the Mountaineers. Prior to the show starting, they paid tribute to three missing climbers in China, with two confirmed dead. They were attempting a route on Mt. Edgar and were swept away in an avalanche. As they panned through a series of pictures, I noticed my friend Nellie in one of them. Turns out she's dating Micah, one of the three whose body still hasn't been found.



My thoughts are prayers are with her and all of the friends and family affected...

Not recommended...

I'm still wincing as I write this.

And I sure hope someone caught what I just did on video.

Typical day. Wake up, feed the dog, put the kettle on, make some coffee, throw together something for lunch. Hit the shower, then roll my pant legs up and get on my neglected yet still rolling rain bike to pedal the 1.5 miles into work.

I know, rough.

I get to cruise down a nice hill, and the thought has crossed my mind more than once - what if my foot comes off or my toes get raked on since I'm wearing flip flops on shimano pedals? There was the one time I cruised down the same hill, on my race bike all kitted up and headed out to do hill repeats when my computer flew off my bike and then got run over by a car before my eyes. Luckily nothing happened there today.

And yes, I wear my helmet. Every single time.

So you can imagine my surprise when I rolled up to the Fremont/34th street interchange, stopped at a red light then start to move forward as the light changed, go to throw two swift strokes into it and BAM! My right foot gets snagged, flip flop goes flying, crotch comes down HARD on the top tube. So hard in fact, I think I just did some permanent damage. I hobble in reverse to grab my slipper, while cars are annoyed I'm in their way and my junk is throbbing so hard it's blinding my vision.

I collect my slipper, put it in first and can't sit down the remaining 1/2 mile to my office. What lesson did I learn? Wearing flip flops on shimano pedals is not very pro.

Hard Time

I've been having a hard time concentrating. I try to stay focused at work and my thoughts just keep returning to Ryan. Every corner I turn, every place I travel, every new experience I try, my thoughts keep returning.

He would have turned 32 last Friday. And oh how that ache hurts.

In attempt to Super Glue the fittings of my track chain ring bolts on my bike to prevent them from spinning, I super glued my fingers together. It reminds me back in the day with Lee Press on Nails and getting a bunch of glue all over my hands.

Super Glued fingers are hot.

The good news though - I just got my Cane Creek training wheels dialed in and will attempt their maiden voyage tomorrow on the track. So what if my front wheel is BRIGHT yellow and rear wheel bright BLUE? Gomer!

It was 85 here in Seattle today. 85!!!

June

A big month, the month of June. Molly's birthday is tomorrow and Ryan's is on Friday. It will also mark 9 months since he passed.

In case you haven't noticed, summer has arrived in Seattle. We've had 2 weeks of straight sunshine and today it reached 80 degrees. It's supposed to just keep rising all week. This is the reason I put up with the wet winters we deal with.

I've been managing to keep myself pretty busy lately. I kayaked the Rogue River in Oregon with my friends Sharon and Steve and their friends mid-May. Three amazing days on the water with fantastic weather and high, fast water. The accommodations on the water were perfect - and the scenery unreal. This type of trip should be on everyone's bucket list.

Then a day home for gathering my bikini and sunscreen and off I went to O'ahu. On the North Shore to be exact, where my mom rented a seriously phat crib on Sunset Beach. Every night the crashing surf would lullaby me to sleep, a mere 100 feet from my window. Days were filled with nice runs, surfing, hiking, chilling and eating. What should have been a completely relaxing time turned into a stress case and blue feeling - and although I don't want it to be the case, being around my family often reminds me how much I miss Ryan. The walls are down, the true feelings come out and by the end of the trip I wasn't able to sleep much. I had a repeat nightmare dream of the night I first found out he was gone. It came crashing in louder than the surf outside. I suppose I was overdue for a break down. I still can't get used to them though.

A few days at home in the sun, riding my bike and getting back into doing the things I love cured my blues. I went to the track a couple of times and pedaled my way back into a little happiness.

But now I fear I've been at home a little too much. I can't run from the memories that fill the house when I spend a lot of time here. It's a little too quiet in the house, something I'll probably always have a hard time getting used to. The mountains are starting to call my name - and a visit to Mazama will soon be in order.

Know what's crazy? In this month's Rock and Ice, Ryan's Passages piece went in - only 7 pages from an article written by my step-sisters husband about rooting for a free soloist to stick the moves on a 5.10 route in Yosemite. Wild. What are the odds?

And also contained in this issue is beta on Calaveras Dome - a spot Ryan picked for us to visit on our honeymoon. I've kept my eye out for info on the area since then - nearly 8 years ago and this is the first time I've seen it mentioned.

Checking back in

It's not that my track bike has dust on it from last September. I actually added a few nicks and dings to its frame a few weeks ago thanks to my superwoman flight. My left knee still boasts a bright pink patch of new skin. My tattered ego and hesitant jump have been beat into submission since then with multiple hard efforts out on the track. So that shouldn't be a problem.

My race wheels still sit in their traveling case when they were lasted used in Argentina by Guy. And like I mentioned before, my Master Nationals numbers are still pinned to one of my skin suits.

Tonight, for the first time since last September, I'm going to race. I'm racing despite the fact that my number one fan won't be riding out to meet me to get drunk in corner two from lack of food and strong IPA. I'm racing despite my lack of fitness. I'm racing to feel adrenaline pump through my body again, to feel alive. I'm racing to get my body back in excellent shape and chase my passion again.

BIG news!

My friend Jonah has been working with the Access Fund to acquire the lower town walls at Index, WA. Well today the Access Fund announced that their option to purchase this section of the wall was secured! Check out this article to read about how much hard work they've done!

Keys!

Guess what I just found this morning? The missing Honda keys. Damn! Good thing I didn't pay $500 to have it towed into Honda and then pay them to install the ignition switch. I can hear Ryan giggling now....

And check out what will be in the July issue of Rock and Ice - thanks Patrick!

I'll be out of Internet touch for a little while - but will report on my travels soon!

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

I ran into Emily on Wednesday. It was unexpected and wonderful. She looked fantastic. There were so many questions I wanted to ask her - all were on the tip of my tongue. Yet because our encounter was so brief and in the midst of climbing, I didn't get a chance to ask them. Instead I got to see, plain as the freckles on my face, that she is doing well and enjoying life again.

And that, that my friends, is worth its weight in gold.

Oh! And I almost forgot to mention... have you told the people in your life that have a positive effect on you that you appreciate them? That your life is so much fuller thanks to them? Today is the perfect opportunity to do so!

The rain hasn't stopped for about 24 hours and everyone I've talked today has at some point commented on it. Ah the beauties of living in the Pacific Northwest. At least the greens are becoming a deeper hue and summer is rapidly approaching.

Tomorrow is the first night of racing for the newbies out at the track for the season and Friday starts the first preseason night of the year. Hopefully the weather clears up so people can get some circles dialed in.

The knee is mending - today I shed the remnants of Tela's blue knee warmers from my scabs. Gross, I know. But an important step in my healing! And I rode the rollers for 20 minutes yesterday without any issues - so today I'm going for a little intensity. I can't wait!

I'm so thankful May is here. Next week I head down to Oregon to do a Rogue River Run and then that following Monday head to O'ahu for a week with the fam-damily. Next thing you know it'll be June!

Eight

8 months = 243.494799 days.
8 the natural number between 7 and 9.
Super 8 Motels.
Channel 8.
8 Mile.
Quark Express 8.

This Thursday marks 8 months. Some say it's the hardest month. But if you ask me, I think every month is hard.

Fish Heads!

The knee is still swollen and stiff - getting it checked out by a doc today. In the meantime I hobbled around Bellingham on Saturday at the Procession of the Species in my homemade fish head costume. Molly and I made the Bellingham Herald!

A similar scene played out last year when Tom and Molly wore the fish heads....


Then I headed down to Tacoma to cheer Chris on during his 1/2 marathon. We woke up super early - and headed down to the start. I found a sweet spot to cheer him on from and dawned the fish head. It was fun making all those runners laugh - especially on mile 11 of 13.1... Chris thought I was crazy. Ha!

Not recommended

So today I headed out to the track with Tela to meet up with Jennie Reed for a workout. We snuck out to Redmond before the eventual deluge hit the area.

On tap for today - some standing starts, jumps and accelerations.

I did a new effort - and one I'll never forget - a two lap puker. I had no idea what I was getting myself into as Jennie calmly and expertly explained the drill to me. Basically you accelerate coming into corner 1 and 3 - sprinting out of the saddle until you have to sit then apply a little pressure on the pedals to the next corner and repeat. Two laps - how hard can it be? I thought to myself.

That was before when I could think. I found out quickly, very quickly, at approximately half way through the effort quickly, how much of a full out and blinding effort it would be. The cool down laps went by in a blur as I tried to regain a little composure before going in and saying "what's next?"

Our final, which turned out to be fateful, effort of the night was a standing start effort from a rolling position. This one's a little harder to explain and it took Tela and I three attempts to nail the timing and effort right. We swapped leads, with Tela doing the first and last effort. Thankfully I was following her because on the last go, I swung down track, got ready to sprint out of the saddle and promptly pulled my foot out of my right pedal. My reaction sent me flying on the concrete, landing and skidding on my knees and elbows. I shaved some skin off of my left knee and now its ballooned like an non-organic Jonagold apple. Tela's blue knee warmers, which Ian recently dawned as the "lucky crit winners" were the causality of the night. Bummer.

I felt like a douche. Hopefully you can learn from my example. This ALL could have been avoided had I checked my cleats and pedals and updated some old faulty equipment. Assuming the pedals off your rain bike will work wonders on your track bike where you travel at mass velocity is a NO NO. I do not recommend it.

Actually I feel pretty fortunate despite crashing. It was at the end of my workout. I was behind Tela - if she was behind me she would have most certainly gone down or landed on top of me. And I was wearing tons of clothing which prevented some serious track rash. And just as soon as I crashed, the sky opened up and it poured cats and dogs.

Am I deterred from getting back out on the track as soon as possible? Heck no! I had a blast.

And the kicker - I called my mom to report what happened and her immediate response:

"Good! Now you can stay home and have some babies."

Thanks mom. Just what I needed to hear. :)

"Be concerned with what you must do; Not what the people think."

- Anonymous

On Friday, April 24, Highway 20 opened to traffic. Meaning the gateway to the North Cascades is officially open and the shortcut to Mazama is available!

Anyone want to travel East?

Almost knocked the F*$# out!

Yesterday Chris and I took a jog through Point Defiance. Conveniently located directly behind his house, you can access it by walking through the parking lot of SBN (Salmon Beach North) and head into the Old Growth forests. The trails are blanketed in pine needles, soft mud, occasional puddles. The views are amazing - you catch glimpses of the rhododendron garden, Puget Sound, ferries, and listen to eagle chirp.

We have a 4 mile loop we've been frequenting lately and we took it extra slow - 10 minutes slower than our previous jaunts. I still got that runners high - or maybe it was the second hand smoke from all the Tacomans puffing on indo during Earth Day.

As we exited the park, like I've done a handful of times, we skirted beneath some fallen logs. I was thinking to myself how funny Chris looked by barely bending his back to clear a large log. I did a quick dodge and as I came up I smacked my noggin on a second hidden log. It knocked me down on the ground and I started laughing/crying hysterically. Chris said it sounded like a coconut was split in two. I was rolling around in the mud, laughing, crying, spasming, not sure what happened and then cracking up. I so wish someone would have caught that on video!

Another reset button physically pushed this time. :)

Pressing the reset button

Yesterday I hit a major reset button. Major.

I took my track bike down from the wall where it's been sitting and collecting dust since last September. I pumped up the tires and put on pedals. I located my heavy track sack - laden with chain rings and sprockets. I dug out my Broadmark jersey and headed east to Marymoor for the first time in months. One of my skin suits still has the USA Master Nationals jersey numbers pinned onto it.

I was a little apprehensive about getting on the bike - with the instant reminder that something is missing from corner two. But it only took me 100m before I realized what a huge smile pedaling around in perfect circles on an oval track does for me. I had a grin on my face from ear to ear. It's different than road. You don't have as much time to think. The purity, the gracefulness, the harmony of body and machine.

Riding my Tiemeyer is like putting on a perfect fitting baseball glove. I know every contour - how to control the bike, how it feels at speed, how to look through the corners and how much blood, sweat and tears go into pushing your body beyond the limit on such a simple machine. I found myself getting excited for the season - the racing and the people. Feeling the love and the amazing bonding experience the track scene has given me. I hadn't realized how much a part of my life it has become until yesterday.

Doing jumps off of corner two came naturally. My body remembers. My heart knows that it feels so right. It felt like I had reconnected with a lover that had been on leave for months.

I was starting to worry. I found myself dreading road racing. Looking for other sports to fill my heart and mind with. Finding excuses to avoid certain races. Feeling lost and uncertain that something that had once given me so much meaning and purpose now felt like a burden. (You know it's serious when you start running on a knee that doesn't have a meniscus!) It really scared me actually, to the point where I stopped writing, stopped communicating and started worrying. I would lay in bed at night, eyes wide open, wondering what would come next. What on earth was destined for me and hoping that it would come soon so I could stop the uncertainty.

And then yesterday things clicked. Honestly, I can't recall a single time in the past 5 years when I felt like quitting track. Where I wanted to hang up the bike, sell all of my gear. I had completely forgotten that. In contrast, I can't tell you how many times I wanted to quit road racing. (Basically on every hill!) So to feel that passion again on the banking - to know I hadn't completely lost all of my identity and still have that piece of me left, in tact and whole - wow, what a relief. And I slept like a baby last night with a smile on my face thinking about the pain and suffering I'm going to cause my competitors.

I have some friends who recently sold everything they owned, invested their cash into a pickup truck and trailer and left everything behind to travel to the Nation's national parks. Their goal isn't quite clear - other than they're hoping to stumble upon something great by stepping outside of their comfort zone. Following their story is interesting - and reminds me of all of the road trips I've done in the past. Funny, they're about 8 years older than me, yet I learned some of the lessons of living on the road about a decade ago.

Now I find myself yearning to go on long road trips - to visit the same national parks and live out of a car. Where your expenses revolve around gassing up, eating, and entrance fees. But the experiences you have are priceless. Like getting stuck on the top of the East Buttress of the Middle Cathedral Rock or seeing thousands of dragon flies feed in the Sierra Nevada mountains.

Or seeing fire dancers throw flames in Skaha. Or stopping at Castle Rock... or poaching KOA camping in Oregon... or camping on private land on the Methow River... or....

May life be filled with frequent adventures and amazing memories.

A list of honey dos clutter my mind. Yet procrastination settles in like a long term illness. Piles of things start to tower and my motivation to organize them wanes.

I often ask myself, "why do we have so much shit?" We can't take it with us. It doesn't change me as a person.

Am I just a product of our society? A low grade consumer that has become so ingrained into the scheme that my questioning leaves me more clueless?

I can't tell you how many times this past winter I've thought about leaving it all behind, down grading everything I own to travel the world in hopes that I find myself again. My house is representative of my empty heart - cluttered with memories of things, yet empty. The structure remains as it was but the person who lives here isn't the same. No where even close.

The crying hasn't stopped. The hurt hasn't stopped.

It is harder when I spend a weekend home. I can get through the week okay - but weekends are the toughest. And Mondays - ooooohhhh mondays. Sigh.

Thinking of Ryan and Brad.

What gives?

Two crashes in two weekends, both on the final corner of the last lap. As soon as I saw the carnage happen, I sat up and gave up. Same thing happened last week. Both resulting in two people heading to the hospital for serious injuries. It makes me wonder why do I race my bike?

Dear Sun,

I know you just visited, but please come back as soon as you can! The flowers, trees, birds and bees all need you. And dry pavement is good for racing.

Sincerely,

Soggy Wet Seattlite.

I couldn't tell you how many times I've logged into my bank online in the past three years. But it's a lot. And today, I went to log in to my account like any other day and my pin number is completely gone from my memory banks. Poof. It's as though I finally had one too many random numbers floating around in my head and my memory was full. Early onset of memory loss?

And I hate to admit it -but this isn't the first time it's happened to me. I forgot my debit pin number a few years ago when checking out of a grocery store. Talk about feeling like a moron.

Yesterday I took advantage of the weather and headed down to Chris's house at Salmon Beach in Tacoma. We hopped in his boat, cruised across the narrows and hit up happy hour at the Tides in Gig Harbor. Makiah joined us - and her entire body shook the whole time we were afloat. We picked up some new bbq parts for his 12 year old grill, grabbed some items to throw on it and then boated back. Rainer was out in full effect - along with the Olympics. I got to wear flip flops for the first time in MONTHS. And then I had the extreme pleasure of meeting Galen aka Gatron. Truly a one in 6 billion people - this guy was off the charts. Check out this clip on youtube from him being a dare devil and flying through 90,000 volts of neon on a wet Saturday afternoon in January....



His 30th birthday is on Sunday and to celebrate he's shooting his recently passed away cat's ashes out of a cannon. Oh and eating ice cream cake too. He's got it all figured out. :)

Weekend Warrior

Headed south to the Dalles - the wind surfing capital of the NW and this weekend the Cherry Blossom Stage Race. Was going to take Maggie until I took her for a standard oil change and my new mechanic said I probably should drop about $1,500 into her before making the venture. Did I spend the money? Nope. So now we're onto Plan B - borrowing Julie's honey's Pathfinder with lots of room for all of our stuff.

Hopefully the weekend goes smoothly and we actually see the sun for a change! It's been raining in Seattle since November and my pasty white skin is itching for some Vitamin D. Hard to believe spring has sprung in parts of the states already... I'm thinking road trip....

Golden

Ah, golden birthdays. 31 on the 31st. First Makiah woke me up by singing happy birthday to me (that or she was doing her typical whining thing for food). Then I got a sweet call from Tom - and he showed me a link to him playing live music at the Quarterback Pub in Bellingham and I got to listen to my favorite songs while sipping a cup of java. Then I got a call from Camile - wishing me happy birthday and I swear I've been on the phone with various people since. Thank you for all the birthday wishes - it's so nice to be thought of on your birthday!

Headed to the spa (free on your birthday!) and then to dinner tonight with the family. Good times, good times. Another 365 days on this planet. Here's to being only 1/3 of the way!

My neighbor Jo moved out this weekend. When she told me last week that she was moving, I was happy for her to be moving on in life. But the reality of her not being next door didn't hit until I got home from a weekend away and saw her blinds up, boxes packed, things moved and space empty.

She was there when I got back from San Jose in September. She was a voice of reason and soothing when shit hit the fan. Together we gathered rescue equipment, thinking that Ryan had fallen off his bike and we were going to be looking for him on a trail. She, along with Guy and my mom, was there when a policeman at the North Seattle precinct conveyed the news.

Though she's only lived there for three years, I feel like we've been sisters forever - joined through experiences. She successfully completed her PhD and together we protected my homestead when it rained so hard the gutters overflowed, nearly flooding the basement, again. We pioneered through buckets and buckets of blueberries - creating a winter's worth of jam and frozen berries. We shared lots of laughs and stories in the middle of our shared driveway.

Thank you Jo for being such a great friend and neighbor. Bathroom slipper visits will be missed and seeing you getting on your bike each morning to commute downtown. I know you're only 10 blocks away - but having you next door was such a comfort. You are such an incredible strong woman and I'm so lucky to have had you next door!

Thanks Jenny Craig!

Check out these photos of Makiah taken at the beginning of September, 2008.


Seriously, what were we feeding her? Poor thing! That's not all fur, you know.



Then this photo was taken in late September - before the serious doggy diet. She was a little stressed for sure - but not quite on her way to her current, slender self.



And this picture was taken this past Sunday. No, I haven't been starving her. But I did switch up her eating habits. She now gets feed twice a day and only 1/4 cup each time. We're getting into running shape together and now her grins go from ear to ear!

A 5 Year Olds Observation

My mom went down to Brownsville, Oregon a couple of weekends ago and baked cookies with Coleman, my nephew. They made sugar piped cookies that only call for egg yolks. The cookies turned out great.

They kept the separated egg whites for breakfast the following morning and to give them some color, my mom added an additional egg and then scrambled them up for Coleman. Upon serving them, Coleman turned his nose up at them and uttered, "they look like the skin under my peter."

My mom, unsure of how to react, tried explaining what Coleman had said to her with Jaimie, without actually saying it (to encourage such language). The scope of it wasn't understood until Coleman uttered the same expression the following morning when served eggs for breakfast.

George is so proud of his son. You should have heard him giggle when he told me about it.

What marks the progression of time?

Is it the realization that your routines have been forever altered?
The obvious wear and tear of the clothing you wear?
The deepening crows feet that highlight your eyes?
Or the gray hairs that pop up on your scalp that seem to multiply overnight?

Hopefully you've made the most of the time that just whizzed by. You took the trips you dreamed about, you strove to do what you wanted. You surrounded yourself with people you love and in turn love you. You stopped being unhappy and putting up with something just because you had it in your head that you were okay. Don't settle for mediocrity.

Run. Live. Breath. Enjoy the simple pleasures. Schedule that get away - you deserve it.

A friend and I went for a ride up to Edmonds today. He was laid off from his job a couple of months ago and made the most out of his time. He immediately headed south to sunnier states to ride his bike and live simply. He's having the time of his life. It reminded me of the time Ryan and I both stopped working for a while and traveled to Europe in our early 20's. The time spent there, living in the moment, soaking in the culture and doing what we wanted to do has produced some of the fondest memories I hold. Spontaneous trips like that always stick out - so what are you waiting for? Do it.

Thought I would put up something other than the previous squirrel photo - thanks again to Ben for that one! Apparently a friend of a friend of a friend took that photo and swears to its authenticity. Ha!

Yesterday went on a 3 hour road ride in some nice spring weather. It was actually kind of warm out (53) and I was stoked I didn't get rained on. I traveled on some old routes I haven't done in a quite a while and it was nice to revisit them. Ryan accompanied me for most of the ride too - thoughts of him pushing me through the harder sections. I still can't figure out what's better - listening to his mp3 player or letting my brain travel in its regular patterns. Either way it seems at least once throughout my long solo rides I feel like crying. I've come to accept it actually. So if you see some HB rider bawling her eyes out on her bike - you'll know its me.

Yesterday I felt spring. The long winter is behind us. Sure we might have a few sputters here and there - but the dark months are over. Onward to the spring equinox!

Courtesy of Ben Carney.Ha!

Warning - totally inappropriate. :)

Colemanator and the Bug

Mad props to my sis who took these great photos of our niece and nephew. Adorable! marcysutton.com

American Velodrome Classic

The 2009 AVC is slotted for June 26-27, 2009 in San Jose. Right now they're boasting a prize list of $14,400 broken down into the following categories:

Elite Men $6,600
Elite Women $5,400
Master $1,400
Madision $1,000
TOTAL $14,400

Check out the following video Rick Adams created to round up a sponsor for the upcoming races.

Video

Hope to see some of you in Cali!

The year of firsts

This is the first year since I started working, that preparing our taxes resulted in a stress free, dance-around-the-office kind of feeling. Most would think that owing $6K to the IRS would be daunting - but compared to the $10K I originally thought I owed - all I can say is THANK YOU TURBO TAX!

Now if I can just plan properly for next year, the April 15th deadline won't stretch the wallet as thin....

Government - who needs it? Ha!

I woke up several times Saturday morning to the steady drizzle of rain. My eyes finally peeled open for good at 9:30 and I rolled out of bed. Put the coffee on, start making some breakfast, and enjoy the warmth. My hopes of it clearing up outside were quickly lost when I crossed the Tacoma Narrows bridge.

Early season racing is in full effect. Sub 40 degree temps, steady rain, long hard miles.

I raced with my 5mm diving gloves today. Usually they're too warm and stinky - but I was super glad to have them. The first lap it was raining lightly - nearly everyone had stayed in the pack. And then as we rounded corner one, the skies opened up and a river of rain ensued. People dropped like flies. The pace was a lot slower this time around - with all of us ladies sitting in for the most part. I remember thinking to myself, that I could pull on the next lap - as we passed the parking lot - went and found Kelly and she talked me out of it. Boy am I glad.

Around and around we went. Single file for the most part for lap 3 - barely being able to see in front. Then my hands went numb. I tried digging out some Hammer Gel and couldn't get my hands to function properly. I drank maybe 1/3 of one bottle - soaking in the rest of the moisture with my skin and drinking a steady drip of road spray. That has to have some sort of nutritional value, right?

Last lap - Kelly, Tricia and Jenni make a move up the road. My efforts to reel myself into the break were pathetic - as this point I'm shivering. Carrie and I are the lone ladies left with the guys. The guys attack one another, chase, come back together and slow way down. This repeats about 10 times. Until finally, I can't take it any more and just start riding a steady pace. I peel away from them - and come into the finish solo. Carrie was so focused on following a wheel at that point - she misses me going up the road. I swim past the finish line for 4th. 60 miles done, in miserable shitty conditions.

I start shivering in the car so bad, I'm having a hard time controlling my car. But a big smile of satisfaction stretches across my face - and I can feel Ryan patting me on the back.

DM Sighting

I made an appointment two weeks ago to see an accountant at HR Block in Wallinford. Tax prep material in hand, I showed up, sat down and waited. And waited. And waited. 35 minutes passed from my said appointment time. As I was staring out the window, who do I see? Mr. Dave Matthews walking his baby on the corner of 45th and Wallingford. I took as a sign to stalk him and get out of HR Block.

Thanks Dave Matthews for helping me realize I should just do my own taxes. My blood pressure just rose but at least I'm saving $300 clams out of my own pocket.

Embarrassing Moment

So I suppose I was over due for one. Last night, Chris and I went to a play at the Seattle Rep called Betrayal. My mom was out of town and offered her tickets. It's a play written by Harold Pinter and if you have the means, I highly recommend seeing it.

We took our seats about 5 minutes before the show started. The audience was conversing somewhat loudly, Chris and I both studying the program brochures. The lights dim, the audience silences and the actors take the stage. A few lines were spoken, and then my stomach, which had been acting funny all day, let out the loudest moan I have ever heard. It shook Chris's seat! He gave me the funniest look - of shock and denial - and I couldn't stop silent giggling for 5 minutes. It was one of those super loud moans - a funny reminder that human behavior can be erratic, unpredictable and unstoppable. Even the people behind us squirmed in response.

Fearful it would happen again, any shift in my intestine would leave me anxious that Bertha the Betrayer would speak again. Thankfully she said all there was to say and lay silent thereafter.

Overdue...

1. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

2. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

3. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

4. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

5. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

6. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

7. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

8. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Red Rocks

Way over due trip report for our trip to Vegas. But it's slow at work and I've been meaning to get this pictures up... so here goes!

Friday morning we woke up EARLY to find SeaTac jammed full of people. Turns out we were traveling on one of the busier travel days of the year - over Presidents weekend. With no printer between the two of us, we were subject to last minute check in on Southwest - which means back of the bus. But at least we were on a direct flight!

We arrived well before noon and headed to Whole Foods on Charleston Road to load up on java and ooey goeys for the days adventure. We headed up to Red Rocks National Conservatory and made our way to the Mescalito area.



After rearranging our packs and gear, we quickly realized that we had locked the keys in the car, with the radio running and our cell phones. Undeterred, we went climbing. Breaking into the car and dealing with AAA could wait as far as we were concerned! (Notice the keys are in the ignition!)



We climbed The Cat in the Hat, a 5 pitch 5.7 route. It was really easy terrain and a good way to get back into climbing. I hadn't been climbing outside since last July. There were a few demons to get over, that's for sure, but I'm really glad I did it. That is until we got about 4 pitches up and it started snowing HEAVILY. Luckily I came prepared - two puffy coats, long johns, etc. I started to freak a little - to which Chris responded that he learned how to climb in those conditions thanks to his mountaineering and ice climbing background. That didn't do much to ease my mind - especially considering we still had to break into the car! So we opted out of the last pitch (which was a good idea considering the party in front of us was moving super slow) and headed back to the car.



Chris showed his true colors. Locking your keys in your car, with it running and all of your overnight stuff in it, etc could potentially cause a small tantrum. Ryan certainly would have freaked out. But he calmly waved over a couple who was willing to help us (they were from Beaverton, OR) and lent us their cell phone. We called AAA and they were on their way. But there was only one slight glitch - the park was closed and the rangers had long since locked the gates. The nice couple gave us a ride back to the entrance, where we tried in vain to locate the ranger. Next thing we know the AAA truck showed up, flashed his lights in effort to locate us and we came running out of the dark and snowy night. One problem though - we had no way back into the park. So the AAA showed compassion on us and drove us to our hotel. Fortunately my steal trap of a brain remembered the address and at the last minute I had grabbed my credit card and ID so we were able to check in.

The following morning we called AAA and had them meet us in the park. A Vegas cab driver picked us up and $60 later and 15 miles of hearing him bitch about the economy and his miscalculation of Enron stock and gambling problem, we were back at the snow covered car and surprised to hear the radio still singing.



That day we tried to find Geranimo and had no luck! The guidebook lead us to believe the climb started at the mouth of the canyon - and we of course walked right by and continued up the snow crusted boulders only to realize we totally got off route and had little day light left to complete the climb. At this point we needed some entertainment so we headed to Red Rocks Casino (aka freak show!).



The next day we headed back to successful summit Geranimo, a 5 pitch 5.6 climb. The reason we climbed such easy trad routes was because sandstone rock gets super brittle when wet. Big huge jugs can break off in your hand without much effort - and when a foot hold broke off mid way up Geranimo, I was thankful to be seconding Chris's lead. The views were great - and we got to check out Crimson Crysalis - a 5.8 that has a super hard chimney in it. But this trip it was covered in snow.



The next day we woke up to rain so we hiked into the Prince of Darkness canyon area. (Wish I could remember the proper name for that one!) Ryan and Andrew had climbed in the area a few years prior and I swear I could feel his presence. There's something extremely magical about that canyon. Tears were shed in his memory - but good tears. I felt closer to him there than I often do in our house. That night I had a vivid dream about him.

Our final day in the park took us to the Magic Bus area. It was a crazy weather day. On one side of the park it was sunny and beautiful and across the valley was a stormy snowy sky. We were happy to do some super easy mellow sport routes and were greeted by several Canadians who were happy to be somewhat defrosted from the cold weekend.



I actually had a really good time climbing moderate routes and pushing myself just ever so slightly.



My thoughts were with Ryan throughout the weekend and am really thankful for Chris's companionship. As I experience more and more firsts, their difficulty eases and I'm ever amazed at the journey it takes to complete them.

I have to admit that on Saturday when I registered for Mason Lake #1, the date didn't register until later in the race when Gina offered her condolences. 3/7/09. Six months have gone by.

If you would have told me six months and a day ago I'd be where I am now - I'd say bullshit. But then life has its way of taking twists and turns that are completely unexpected, unfair, rewarding and awe inspiring.

It was really kind of her to make mention of it - and really sweet of all the support I receive in the community from friends and teammates alike. My inner battles and struggles wax and wane - thank you all for showing genuine concern and care.

Last night I had what appears to be somewhat of a recurring dream. This time Ryan came back after being held in a monastery where his life threatening wounds were treated without my knowledge. Suddenly he was back in my life and I was feeling awkward about the new relationships and progression I had made since he left. He was shirtless in my dream and we were driving around in Maggie, our VW Westfalia.



And when looking for the above photo, I couldn't help but chuckle and laugh when i came across one of Ryan and Makiah before his weekly bike race down at SeaTac. He sure did love that dog! And this is just a reminder to live life to the fullest - laugh as much as you can and enjoy it - it's the only chance we get!

6 Months

Today marks 6 months since Ryan's passing. Like the first month, tonight I found myself awake in the middle of the night, unable to shut my brain back to sleep. This time though, instead of severe shock and overwhelming grief, I think I'm just hungry from racing at Mason. I'm thankful my stomach woke me up before the clock turns over to midnight - another day complete. Sometimes you have to be thankful for the day you just experienced.

Got Weight Baring Exercise?

http://cyclingnutrition.blogspot.com/2007/11/cycling-and-osteoporosis.html

You should! Especially after reading this article...

TanTRUM!!!

My little sister used to throw tantrums just like this when she was little. Except she would yell and scream until she passed out. Ha!

Update: Running muscles are not the same as biking muscles.

And it's funny how I couldn't get my heart rate higher than 150 after a short run the day before. What gives?

And the neck is STILL sore from the TT on Sunday.

Wow - I'm getting old. What a whiner!

I guess I'm discovering what being old feels like. :)

Rediscovery

It's been about 5 years since I last thought about running. After my last arthroscopic scope in 2005, my knee doctor told me that running was not in my future. All because of a little tweaked knee when working at REI . Luckily I had a manager on duty file an accident report and L&I footed the bill. I thought it was humorous when I got a check in the mail for $1,500 for a "partial amputee" payment. But as time passed, and my relationship with running grew more distant - I started to resent that partial payment.

As a result, I've managed to avoid running. But I've always dreamed about it. Gone are the days of the half marathons, the trail runs, fun runs, St Paddy's Day Dash. I used to take my hour lunch break while working at Voicestream and tear it up with my buddy Keith through Bellingham's back roads in preparation for the running leg of Ski to Sea. My greatest moment as a runner - when I lost a toe nail from pounding my toes into the ends of my shoes posting a time of 51 minutes for 8 miles. And then there was the running portion of the first Women World Championship training back in Scranton, PA. I remember heading to the track with all of the ladies and being able to run my buns off. Running and boxing went hand in hand.

Fast forward to yesterday, when I went to Sound Mind and Body for the first time in 6 months. I've been using the free gym access at HSP to do my normal strength routine. And since I couldn't drag my butt out of bed fast enough to get into the gym, I decided to use SM&B since I was paying for it. The only problem - they don't have the same equipment as HSP. So I went to get on the vertical climbing machine - only to discover one of the two machines wasn't working and some lady was on the other one.

And that's when I rediscovered running.

I approached the treadmill, climbed aboard and then started a brisk walk. Then I gradually increased the pace, until I was jogging. No knee pain. Then I decided to go for 20 minutes. Why not increase my pace? And why not increase the distance? Next thing I know, I'm throwing shadow boxing into the mix and getting a taste of runners high.

Hello old friend. I missed you.

A hero

Spoke with Chris last night on his way back from a rescue from Point Defiance. His neighbor Johnny called him to say, "go outside!" and that's when he discovered two guys screaming at the top of their lungs, gasping for air as their canoe capsized and they were caught without PFD's. A quick jump into his "power boat" and he plucked the morons from the water. Of course his proudest moment was admitting he donned his stairs and bars hat, purple puffy coat and house slippers. No mouth to mouth was administered. ;)



TACOMA -- A Tacoma Fire Department official says two canoeists have been rescued after their canoe took on water, flipped over and spilled them into frigid water off of Point Defiance.

The male teens were plucked from the water by a private power boat Monday evening and transferred to a Tacoma Fire Department boat.

Assistant Chief Faith Mueller says the two were barefoot and their jeans were drenched, but they were able to walk to an ambulance, where they were treated by medics. She says they were fine other than being wet and cold. She says they weren't wearing flotation devices.

Spring is in motion and my heart and soul are wide open for its energy.

Thanks Camille for the call today. You make me smile. And I'm pulling for you for the Santa Fe job!

I felt like pulling over on my ride today and screaming at the top of my lungs. Letting the world know how unfair things are. How fucked up they are. Instead, I bottled it up and let it seep out. My God, what an emotional roller coaster. You'd think at 6 months I'd be feeling like I made some forward progress. But lately it feels like I'm sinking deeper. Is it possible to die of a broken heart?

There are moments during the day I feel like I'm so lost. And then there are moments when I see clearly and feel okay. I can't tell yet what sets the disparity in motion. What triggers might be causing this emotional spiral. Instead, I break out my hankies from Melinda's grandmother and have myself a good cry.

The pitter pat of the rain this morning did wonders to my motivational levels. Thoughts of blowing the TT off crossed my mind - but a quick check with Hardcore - and I knew I was in for it, rain or shine. Like icing on a cake - it was as if yesterdays ass kicker with the Rocket ride wasn't enough for my mental demise... much to my surprise today actually turned out to be ok! It was dry at the start of the TT - and it was really good to see some familiar faces that have been hibernating since last fall, myself included. The pain locker still feels the same - but like a long lost, friend - I missed it! I got to re-enter the tunnel vision that only accompanies a really hard ride. Who knows or cares what my actual time was - I'm just happy to be out racing my bike and gaining some fitness for the long good season ahead...

New life...

And a big congrats to Jake and Trina - proud parents of Molly Claire Venard!

http://jakevenard.blogspot.com/

Dreams

Woke up in the middle of the night due to a strange ass dream. It went something like this:

I was boarding a commercial plane in route to Hawaii. It was one of those mammoth planes with 5 seats in the middle, and three on either side. Unlike normal planes, this one had an observation deck you could hang out on top, with a viewing deck. The plane took off and I was accompanied by some large woman. I think she was somebody's mom and I remember being slightly annoyed she was there. At first it was fun. The plane was circling the city, then it dove down under some low hanging telephone wires. I thought we were going swimming for sure but then the pilot took a sharp left turn, then a right and started climbing. Up and up it went - and the next thing I knew, I was hanging onto the tail end of the plane, with the fat lady barely hanging onto me. I panicked until I saw Ryan near an oxygen box at the front of the plane telling me to reach up and grab him and he would pull me to safety. I shook the fat lady off of me and flew through the air after being relieved of a heavy burden and grabbed Ryan. As soon as I was there, I put the oxygen mask on and the viewing deck compartment was encapsulated. At that point, I realized Ryan was gone. I called the flight attendant in the cabin and told her that I was above them and to please let my mom know I was safe but there were two other people who were goners - Ryan and the fat lady. She said, make yourself comfortable, there's nothing we can do until we land. The next thing I know, my mom is laying next to me, hold me tightly and telling me everything will be alright. Then I woke up.

I think the fat lady was my baggage that I carry around with me on a daily basis. They're things that annoy us because they're around - but often it takes some life altering occurrence to shake yourself free of it. Seeing Ryan and having him help me to safety did just that - suddenly it was survival mode and I said good bye to my baggage as she disappeared into the Pacific Ocean.

With Ryan's brief appearance in my dream - it's similar to how he shows up now. He's always with me and helps guide me to safety, yet once I'm safe, the reality of him not being around physically sets in. I feel fortunate for every brief encounter I have of him - even if its in my dreams.

My mom showing up later in my dream shows how much of an amazing support network I have and that no matter what, she'll be there to pick up the pieces.

Last night was a night for dreams too - I also dreamed Liz was eating a stick of butter. It was partially melted on her face, and she happily licked it off. I woke up laughing.

And then I also dreamed of climbing with Ryan but realizing that although we had ropes, we didn't have the right combination of them to rappel off the route. He went first gophering his head up from the rock, and then disappeared into an abyss.

What a trip.

Psyching myself up....

The ability is within you. It was there all along. You just masked it one day with excuses and then relied on someone else to find it. Little did you know it was always there, waiting for your rediscovery.

So get out there in this rain and 41 degree weather and ride your bike you sissy. You know you want to. :)

Sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can start the journey back up. From all tall tale signs, I hit that bottom on Sunday night/Monday morning and now I'm on the rebound. Grief. Who needs it? But at the same time - it provides such a life altering, fulfilling and baffling journey. One I wouldn't wish on anyone but not in a million years I'd take away.

Oh - and I found my mojo. It was hiding with my spare keys I lost. :)

How to cheer yourself up in one evening...

All you need is:

-Excellent, tasty, home cooked Indian food. Accompanied by your friends sides and lavish additions (garlic nan, quinoa salad, green salad, green beans, salmon, multi grain rice, etc!)

-Twelve of your amazing, fast, fun teammates who are getting to know one another more and more off the bike - laughing together, eating together, planning how to take over the world together.

Thanks for coming over last night ladies. It's going to be an incredible season!

This is the closest I've ever come to depression. And it's depressing. I sit, letting minutes, hours, days pass by without really making what feels like forward progress. I know time has passed by the length of my hair, the deeper my crow feet wrinkles sink, the gray in my hair. Yet my mind feels like it's stuck in a loop. Replaying memories of time past - what feels like the best moments of my life - and I get sad thinking that new memories won't ever be shared with you again. At least not with you right next to me, ready to display your quick wit and clever commentary. Those early years are buried in some time capsule, waiting to be uncovered or catapulted into space.

I haven't been able to muster up enough energy to write lately. I think of stories to include - adventures to remember, and when I sit down to write them, they disappear into thin air. Poof.

Has any body seen my mojo? It's missing and I want it back!

Battered and beaten down by the storm - my emotions have taken a heavy toll. Day to day I often forget the trauma I so recently experienced until it wells up inside of me and bubbles out. I fumble around during the day, unsure of what's wrong with me, why I lack the drive I used to have, why I can't find happiness in concentrating my efforts into training, why things are duller than they were before. And it isn't until I have a good cry, letting myself back into healing, that I realize this is grief.

Hurry up spring. I need your cleansing green colors, your blue skies and warm sun kisses. Now more than ever.