Saturday, July 11, 2009

Can't sleep tonight. Or is it this morning?

Yesterday's residual emotions still weigh heavy on my mind - waking me up and keeping my brain spinning with thoughts of Ryan. I suppose it didn't help that yesterday I contacted the sheriff's office to see if they could tell me the exact location of where they found him. For some reason that made sense to me before - but after finding out, it stirred up so many emotions that here I am, up at 4am after going to bed at midnight.

It penetrated everything last night. Even my track sanctuary was disrupted. I could feel it during the warm up, bubbling up like an unwanted guest. But this time it wouldn't be ignored. This time after my first race and attempt to shut it out, it came crashing in sending me to the infield in a puddle of tears and despair. Christine came up and sat next to me, putting her arm around me and just let me cry. I started to feel a little better. And then I went to the stands where Trish (Ry's mom) and Molly (his sister) were watching and just started baling. They thought it was because they were there - but no, I told them about speaking with the deputy and how I couldn't shut it out anymore. I was so thankful to have them there - putting their arms around me, missing Bubba so much.

A lump is forming in my throat already.

Some how I was able to pull it together and get back to the racing. But afterward, I still lay awake in the wee hours only to feel the hole in my heart is still raw and needs a lot more healing.


10 blocks up said...

hi zoomer bike racer - been thinking too about one year. hang in there. sending you blessings. let me know how I can help. love Jo

Marcy said...

Aww Jenn, sorry to hear you are sad. I miss him a lot too, more and more as time goes by. I would love to attend a memorial, wherever & whenever. Missing you!