Monday, September 29, 2008

Every night

It's only been three weeks. And yet that Monday seems like yesterday.

I miss his touch.
I miss his heart beat.
I miss hearing his voice and telling me how beautiful I am.
I miss not being able to fall asleep right away because of his snoring.
And I miss him waking me up in the morning telling me to have a wonderful day.
I miss his callused and rough hands - rubbing my skin.

Being a widow is tough. Whereas everyone else who knew Ryan can go back into their normal routines, wake up next to their loved ones, go back to work, resume life for the most part but a little less empty ... my entire world has changed. There are times when it feels manageable and other times when its simply too overwhelming and tears well up and spill over the side.

Take tonight for example. I went with Guy to Ryan and my favorite sushi joint in Fremont. A place we frequented so much that we were going every week. Love being a DINK. Luckily we were served by a new waitress - so I could avoid the awkward glances or looks from everyone who worked there that knew us. Eventually I built up enough courage to tell Steve about it - and he gave me a big hug. What do you do in those situations? What do you not do in those situations?

That's when it feels like Monday was just yesterday.


Anonymous said...

Oh Jen, how I wish I could take this all away for you.
Erin Doucette

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, Jen. I'm just so sorry. --Cassie

Your loving sister in law said...

Gosh darn it. Why did this have to happen to you!? To him!? We are all guilty of taking our spouses for granted at some time or another. Their touch, their smell, their voice. Now when you want those things the most, they are not there. I am just heart broken about this whole thing. I think about the two of you daily, actually most of the day. I love the two of you very much!! I know the road ahead is long and very hard, but I will be your biggest shoulder to cry on. You know me, I LOVE to cry!! I think that you are THE strongest person I know and I love you for all that you have given of yourself to us!!