Thursday, October 09, 2008

Thinking

I had one of those leg buckling, heart felt sobs today. The type that over comes what ever you're doing at the moment and settles in for a while. I have no idea how much time passed. I bent at the waist over a laundry basket I had just filled from the clothes he wore on his week long trip in Mazama and let my tears fall. Touching clothes he wore - that still smelled of him. It makes me whimper just thinking about it. Everything I do today reminds me of him and how much I've lost.

And then as quickly as it came in - it went back out. But then I have after shocks - and still feel tremors that want to come out.

In a way I start to dread when things are going well and I stay too busy to let my tears out - because when I slow down, the sorrow comes with a vengeance. I know it's normal - but that doesn't take away from how difficult it is.

I packed my bags today for our trip to Italy in the morning. I'm taking his brand new Jamis bike with me - so he can in a way join me on the trip. We'll be exploring the Tuscan roads near Arezzo. It was actually really difficult packing - I'd often ask him what to bring or not. We got really good at minimizing how much we'd travel with. I so wish I could share this with him. And yes, I'm probably bringing too many pairs of shoes.

Damn. Another tremor.

And another.

My heart feels so broken. It's hard not to wish time would fast forward when you go through something this difficult.

5 comments:

Michelle Stiles said...

Have a wonderful trip Jen!

cannondalegirl said...

have a wonderful Wonderful WONDERFUL trip jen!!! sending you a great big hug today.

Anonymous said...

have you washed all his clothes yet? It might be nice to keep one that has his smell. unfortunately that will fade with time, but for now it may be comforting...it is such a close connection to him. Thank you for sharing such intimate moments with us. I have been through a close death as well and understand at least some of what you are going through. ~katy b.

cjmancebo said...

...off you go, Girl! Enjoy and smile!

(oh, and have some great wine, too!!)

Fabien said...

Hi Jen,
I cannot tell you how much my heart is with you in this moments of pain. I cannot tell you that it will get easier because it won't, there will always be days where you will be thinking of him... just be, live, let it all come out and embrace each and every time you remember him, his thoughts and love to you... That's the only way...

--fabien