BIG THINGS.

I have a strong intuition. It serves me well when I meet new people or visit new places. It's an internal compass and comes in handy in foreign places. It keeps me grounded and connected to my true self. And it sheds light on certain situations that are otherwise confusing and baffling.

Take moving to Colorado for instance. During my first visit as a kid to the Rocky Mountains I fell deeply in love. I wrote about living here and eventually (15+ years later) it became reality. Now I wonder why I didn't make the move sooner. But I had to learn to trust my intuition. Something that takes time and practice.

My intuition serves me well in racing. I know when the move is going up the road. I can sense it in my gut - connecting with the energy building and the momentum rising. Careful practice of intuition and timing my sprint has won me several races. It's also saved me from serious crashes (knock on wood). It's almost as though my inner intuition guides me away from danger.

I remember back when Ryan and I had this massive fight. I started to walk away from him, I was so mad. And I stopped dead in my tracks and thought, he's not going to be around forever. We reconciled that night and never went to bed without making up first.

Those are just the awake intuitions. They get stronger when I sleep. My dreams are very vivid and telling of what's happening in the world. And I promise, if I have a dream about you, I will most certainly call and check up on you.

Lately, I've had a strong sense that something big is going to happen in my life. I'm not sure what yet, but my gut is telling me it's going to be huge. I'm playing around with what that means in different areas in my life and it's opening doors. And don't worry - I'll let you guys in on the secret once the message reveals itself.

For the Children

Last week I went to a Colorado Springs Entrepreneurs meet up. They meet once a month and I decided since I'm building my own coaching business, I certainly qualify. We met at a library on the East side of town and I wasn't sure what to expect.

The group was mainly men and full of engineers. The topic of the night: an invention that could change the world. Seriously. The product: an aftermarket add on to any engine that will increase fuel efficiency, minimize carbon footprints and be a stepping stone as the motorized world shifts to hydrogen. For some vehicles, it increases fuel economy over 150%.

The inventor has been working on this project for 30 years. http://h2hypod.com

So why hasn't it been picked up by an investor? Don't they see the ultimate potential and market that it could over take? Why are people so resistant to change?

We listened to the product details, the engineering specifics and multiple reasons why it hasn't hit the market yet. The story is impressive - his passion of hydrogen is marred with setbacks. The product has the ability to change the world. Setbacks plague him throughout the development of his product, his co-worker dies, he is stranded in Europe without a penny and ends up courting the Russian Federation who are ready to invest, he breaks his back. He wins awards from Germany in 2008 as the best patent invention yet cannot break through to the right market. He's fluent and ultra knowledgable in his subject, but has difficulty finding the right investors. This labor of love, the time invested, and yet it's not getting picked up.

Three hours this meeting went on. Three hours we went round and round about the details. Three hours we heard about the problems and issues and past setbacks.

More background - he's approached numerous groups from credible sources and... what happens? Something isn't commuting. Where's the disconnect?

Finally, my non-engineer self interrupts. I have a question, what's your motivation? I mean are you in this for the money, the fame? Or is it for the environment?

"I'm doing it for the children."

Clear as day. No round and round detail explanation. What about approaching investors that align with your values and pure intention? Instead of approaching them with dollar signs and how many billions of dollars you could make them, approach them openly and honestly. At least that's my thought.

If you doing it for the children, then do it.

Going from left brain to right.

How open to learning are you? Do you take time each day to allow for space and time? To sit back and feel grounded, to connect with your inner self?

"In an age where our attentions are stretched to the limit and then some...." How often I've heard those type of sentences state we're short on time and pulled in a million directions to get things done. It's easy to be in a state of panic each day if you let your attention be pulled. And realistically, how can it not? It takes a conscious effort and choice to stop, pause and really reflect why we're here. What our purpose is and how we're living each day to honor those choices.

I admit, even earlier this morning I was in a whirlwind of panic. Building a new business from the ground up is overwhelming, scary and exhilarating. I have my moments when I wonder why I'm doing this. Why did I choose this path? It's hard and I have to put in a lot of intention and effort to make it happen. It would be easy to go back to a regular paying job with a steady paycheck. One where I clock in and wait for my time to pass so I can get back to the things I love. Wait a minute, I think I'm onto something....

Clock in and wait for time to pass so I can get back to the things I love.

How is that honoring living in the now?

Even when I was working at the Market, my head and heart wasn't there. I knew I was compromising what I was put on this planet to do. To help others. To inspire them to live the life of their dreams. And if I'm going to talk, I better do the walk. Living in the now is a choice.

My last Market shift was just before Christmas. I'm all in now. I'm putting in the time, bringing my true authentic self to the table every day. And I wake up with an enormous smile on my face and joy in my heart, knowing what I'm doing is making a difference. That I'm aligning my life with my passion and know deep down that you can achieve anything you put your mind and heart to.

Today I was reminded that sometimes though, even the entrepreneur needs some inspiration. Sometimes you need to tap back into that right creative brain space that gets buried when you're left brain is trying to make things work. Or rather, forcing them to work. The moment I stood back, took pause and connected with my inner purpose - peace washed over me. That's it! That's why I'm doing this! To make the world a better place and connecting community through conversation.

So if you find yourself in a whirlwind of left brain activity, stop. Go to your favorite spot in your mind and feel the connection to the Universe. Know that you're doing your best and that you are connected in so many ways. Shed yourself of judgement and comparison, bring your true self and everything is going to be amazing.

On the horizon

I've been home a solid week now and was just starting to get used to the idea of being home for about a month before traveling again. Since October, I've made 4 trips to LA, one to Calgary, one to Seattle, one to Indiana, and back to Chula Vista. Honestly, it feels like I haven't been home more than a week at a time before heading off again. Such is the life of an aspiring coach and para-cycling pilot!

It's nice to sleep in my own bed, especially next to my baby. His travels have taken him to Scotland, Mexico, LA, back to Mexico next week and then Belarus for Worlds.

And guess what came into my inbox today? An invitation back to Chula Vista to do some more piloting for another stoker. Yay! Hello, National Team pipeline.

And in the meantime, I'm working with some fellow coaches to get a new and exciting project off the ground. Stay tuned for the details... but it's going to be BIG!

It's thrilling to combine passion and work together to make a living.

Passionate Work

Flying home over the Rocky Mountains while the sunsets put an enormous smile on my face. This is home now. These purple mountains covered in white snow. Looking down from 30,000 feet they seem small, but have so much unexplored detail. Places I want to play. Places I want to make more time for in my life. My smile is part appreciation, part bliss.

I did it. I finished the core curriculum from the Coaches Training Institute. Over 104 hours spent in a LA hotel conference room spread over 4 months and it's finally done. Hot damn, I'm done traveling for work! At least for a little while.

So many things have opened up. Conversations started, realizations gathered, snapshots in time framed. I must have been beaming. For the next thing I know, a gentleman sits down in the empty seat next to me boarding a flight to Phoenix to start his new work position. And I ask, "do you like your work?"

"It's alright I suppose. There are things I like and things I don't."

"Are you passionate about your work?"

"No."

"If you could be working with your passion, what would that look like?"

"Whoa, that's a deep question for an airport. I haven't ever allowed myself to think of it that way. I suppose if I had to think about it, I've always been interested in Saturday Night Live. And I could picture myself writing comedy skits for them. What about you? If you could work your passion, what would it be? Wait, I know. You like asking random strangers what their passionate work looks like."

(It didn't strike me at first his humorous stab at writing a skit. I chuckle now.)

"I'm actually living it. I live my passion everyday."

"What is it that you do?"

A big smile spreads. I answer him honestly. And for once in my life, don't wish it any different. "I write, I cycle, I coach, I public speak, I am an entrepreneur, and I love having an impact in the world."

"Wow. You don't hear that every day. I better catch my flight."

Poor guy, never stood a chance. He just witnessed my boldness unleashed after a weekend of transformation and witnessing others changing. It's oozing out of my pores.

The Pilot Program

I am her eyes and she is my stoker. Both reliant on one another, both committed to overcoming obstacles both on and off the bike. Both aligned toward one goal and one goal only: going as fast as humanly possible on a tandem bike.

On our own, we are accomplished both on and off the bike. She's the first legally blind person to complete the Iditarod, a 1,049+ mile race across Alaska. She's been on the para-cycling team for the past couple of years, showing massive potential that she has what it takes to earn to compete at the international level. She lives in Bend, Oregon completely off the grid and tends to over 100 dogs at her families dog mushing company. Her regular pilot couldn't make the camp, so I got to substitute in.

 

 

My story began as a pioneer in the first women's boxing world championship, having tragedy strike when I lost my husband to a rock climbing accident in 2008, and then reinventing myself in wonderful Colorado and loving once again. I moved to Colorado Springs in August 2011 and have embraced the high altitude, dry climate and athlete lifestyle. I love new challenges.

I think it's safe to say we're both driven and we both enjoy bucking the status quo. We both believe the only thing that can limit you is not dreaming big enough.

I first met Rachael in a small dorm room at the Chula Vista, California this past week at the Olympic Training Center. I had so many questions for her (how did she complete the Iditarod? What's the severity of her blindness? What was it like growing up?) and immediately liked her. She openly answered my barrage of questions and I answered hers. It's a good thing we got along as we were paired up on a tandem with over 20 hours of training for the week for the Para-Cycling National Team Camp. Right from the start we had to establish a baseline level of trust and synchronicity. Our combined weight of bodies and equipment easily topped 320 pounds and the surrounding hills of the training center are large. There's only one way we could conquer any defiance of gravity: team work.

As it turns out, it's not individual accomplishments or power to weight ratio that set a tandem team apart from the other. Sure it helps that both people have a level of fitness, excellent balance and strong core. But what really sets a tandem team apart is as simple as the combined effort. The synching of power, communication and sheer grit. In order to get the most out of each other, we both had to be 100% committed. And I had to learn how to communicate clearly, concisely and accurately.

"We're almost to the top." Such an ambiguous statement does nothing for how much more power she needs to contribute to get to the top of a hill. It says nothing about the length or duration of the effort.

The first full day on the bike I sounded like a head cheer leader. In retrospect, I'm not sure who I was saying it for. "Push harder. Champions are made a day at a time. Come one Rachael, dig! Rio is coming fast. Let's GO! Come on!" Eventually she commented back, "Coming!!!" I finally figured out I needed to shut up. It's nothing personal. And as it turns out, the quieter I was, the more synched up we became. I could hear her breathing, I could tune into my intuitive sense more. When I asked for "more" she gave me more.

At first I was trying to force things. I was trying to will us up hills and my inner cheerer bubbled out. By the end of the week after getting a cold and feeling the effects of fatigue, I stopped wasting any energy than was absolutely necessary. "Bump," to which she'd raise her rump off the saddle. "More," to which she'd supply more power. "Up," meant stand up and sprint. That's it. We started pulling away from the group. We won 2 out of 3 sprints. We found our combined climbing legs. Hot damn, we were synched!

We climbed the Honey Stinger time trial course the last day of camp, besting our previous time with fresh legs and a serious headwind. I pushed Rachael to her limit as she could barely walk when we got to the top. And she puked. Last one, best one.

That night we were pretty excited and sad to conclude the camp. We both gained a lot - not only fitness and the realization that less is more, but also a friendship. I look forward to seeing her again in the future. And even if we don't get to pair up on a tandem bike again this year, I look forward to racing next to her with another stoker.

Being with Gold

Sometimes you strike gold in the place you least expect it.

We had a rest day today. Lots of lounging, lots of stories, lots of laughter and at time, close to tears. I had the honor of spending the afternoon with two new friends, Rachael and Kara. Both amazing women, both blind. We shared our stories and our truths - the ones that come after learning life lessons. Each one shared with me their blindness. Each one patient as I asked questions. They were both open to my inquiry and taught me about their beautiful unique lives.

After a warm meal, surrounded by Olympians and Paralympians, we shared more stories. Enticed by a piano playing in the background, the three of us women were drawn to the music. And it was there, as we listened to an Olympic rower fumble with the keys and feel his way into the sounds of the piano that I saw it. That glimmer of gold. Those moments you cherish in your heart.

The Moonlight Sonata tickled our ears. We could have stayed there all night. It was nice to just sit. To absorb it into our senses. To just be.

Jump Start the Life of Your Dreams in 2013!

Do you find yourself questioning the meaning life? Why you were put on this planet? What your life purpose and how you're trying to figure out how to align the many things in your life to it?

You are not alone. I think we all face this at one time or another. Or maybe many times in our life for that matter. Possibly many times in one day!

Do you find yourself staying awake at night, pondering what's out there? What's in store? What's my beating heart beating for?

Or maybe you know your life purpose. You know you were put on this planet to get your heart rate up, to raise those kids, to be a fantastic lover, friend and mentor. But you're having a hard time balancing it all. It's hard to strike that perfect balance between all of the things that pull at us in life.

You are not alone.

I am here to help. To help you discover your life purpose, to explore who you are as a unique, resourceful and amazing individual. To hold your hand and be a witness. To hold space and coach you through difficult times, celebrate the good times and enhance your overall experience

Together we will explore what makes you tick and align you with a crew of support. We will do inner work that is deep and rich and rewarding beyond measure. I will equip you with tools to apply happiness and a fresh perspective toward whatever challenges may arise in your life. The choice is yours for the making.

Ready to go for it? Wonderful! My rates are $100 a month for two 45 minute phone calls at a mutually agreed upon time. Need a sample to see if coaching is right for you? I provide free 1/2 hour sessions.

If you or someone you know would like to see the many benefits of life coaching, please contact me today.

Happy 2013!

Tandem Piloting 101

The lessons, and there have been many, of tandem piloting:

1. It's a team effort. One person cannot do it alone. I am the eyes of our bike and my stoker is 100% reliant upon my ability to put us in the right position to succeed. Our sum weight is over 320 pounds. Bike, gear, girls. That's a lot to love. Together, we spin up hills, putting in equal amounts of effort and blood sweat and tears. The reward: descents. Thank God what goes up, must come down.

2. It's a team effort. We must be in synch. I am learning to do everything with my stoker: meals, sleep, recovery, down time, off the bike time. Texting our honeys from afar. We do everything, together.

3. It's a team effort. We're learning one each others habits, our quirks, what makes us tick and what doesn't. Thank goodness my stoker is kind, patient and sweet. We compliment one another well, especially off the bike, which translates to on the bike effort. We're both learning from each other. For me, I'm taking in her I want to kill bitches! on the bike attitude. Sometimes you need more grrrrrr in your life to fuel that competitive fire.

4. It's a team effort. We have an uphill time trial in less than an hour. I just checked and our bike has a 39x28. For those who don't know cycling lingo, that's a mighty small gear for a 7 mile climb with a 5% average gradient. There will be suffering. There will be sweat. There will be tears. There will be sweet success when we get to the top. And we'll get to do it, together.

5. You have to be all in. There's no partial participation. You're either all in this, or your not. I'm in. (Ask me that question again after the hill, please.)

A Cycling Post!

Oh no she didn't!

Yep, it's true. While doing some expansive personal exploration, I've still managed to ride my bike. Take that back, I've been training.

And today's post is brought to you courtesy of the Olympic Training Center in Chula Vista, California.

Yep - that's me!

I'm here participating at the para-cycling national team camp. I'm piloting a tandem bicycle with a blind female athlete and getting some piloting experience this week. Of course my long term goal is Rio in 2016, but this is a small step in the right direction! We're targeting 24+ hours on the bike this week... thank goodness for an endless buffet.

Yeah, yeah. I know. I've been keeping this one on the down low. I've been intrigued ever since I first learned of the para program and the want for more female pilots. This past October while watching track nationals from the stands, I approached Craig Griffin and expressed my sincere interest in getting involved. One thing lead to another and well, here I am in Chula Vista. One small step toward my big goal of Rio 2016.

Beauty.

Take my hand and I'll lead you,
   lead you to another place.

A place where you can shed your layers.
   Layers of material things, fears and assumptions.

A place where the sun warms your soul.
    And it's there, there in that place, that you see your beautiful magnificence.

You are beautiful.

Resolve.

Ryan's death created a sense of resolution urgency. All of the things I wanted to do, all of the things I wanted to be and my ability to focus on the grand picture, came to the forefront. A massive light went off. One filled with clarity and wisdom. One that cut right through the bothersome small things in life and boom! Made me realize that we've got this one life and only a short amount of time to live it to the fullest. Why waste a breath of energy on something that isn't aligned with happiness, laughter and fulfillment?

Bickering, complaining, bitching. Blah, blah, BLAH! I suddenly had zero tolerance for any petty problems.

I would walk out during conversations. I'd check out when someone started to rant. Often I would go into an immediate trance. Someone's lips might be moving and sound coming from their mouth, but I was in a parallel universe. I often pictured myself in the North Cascades, climbing solo one of the Liberty Bell spires. At the top, I'd soak in the sun and the alpine views. I'd just be. It always calmed me down. And sometimes Ryan would join me there.

I remember asking him questions without really saying anything. His presence provided affirmation that I was on the right path. That my internal wisdom would carry me through. That I was discovering something more about myself that not many people get the opportunity to do. I absolutely trusted myself there.

My resolve to live a life full of adventure, rich with experience and no regrets became my mantra. I wrote down places to travel. Places that Ryan and I wanted to share together and places that I wanted to go on my own. A daring woman was burning inside of me, ready to take risks I had oppressed. Ready to live the life of my dreams. Not what someone else thinks I should do or be - my dreams, my life.

Ryan and I talked years ago about moving some where new. Somewhere with more sun, mountains and outdoor adventures. I wrote about moving on multiple occasions: Tahoe, Colorado, Northern California. Yet it never manifested. I suppose we weren't ready. After he passed, I found myself longing to relocate. To start fresh. To begin a new adventure and really get in touch with who I am.

It's not that I didn't identify with Seattle or the Pacific Northwest for that matter. I dearly love my family and friends. But long ago, I oppressed the burning desire to live in a sunny climate. And now with my new found clarity and resolve, I was ready to make the move. To take the leap into Lovers Lane.


At the top of my list: Colorado. A state full of sun, mountains, snow and no rain. A place where I could learn to further love myself. And in turn, enable me to open up and fully love Benjamin. Luck would have it Benjamin lived in Colorado Springs and fate would have it that five years prior I put a Garden of the Gods poster in a dream box with full intention of living there. It's funny how things work out.

But moving to a sunny state, a long way from family and friends was risky. I didn't have a job lined up. Just a girl with big dreams, a mending heart and so open for new experiences and love, that I knew it was bound to work. Thankfully I had the wisdom that to be happy, truly happy, I had to follow my heart. That when Ryan died and some time had passed, I needed to move on, in my own way. My drive, my passion, my livelihood died in Seattle. And although I tried to keep it alive, to rekindle some flame back into living there, I knew change was certain.

My internal voice whispered gently at first. Too much change all at once, especially during the year of firsts, might have set me further back. Or worse, it would paralyze me. I still had my moments though. Moments of panic, waves of grief and sadness. When I resurfaced from the storm, the clarity and wisdom remained. That and I experienced another breaking point.

Sticking with Resolutions

I believe in resolutions. I think they add great value to our lives. It's a chance to take a stand. A chance to make change in your life. A chance to address something you've been meaning to do but for some reason or another never got around to it.

I find it pretty stinking amazing that as humans we can change things about ourselves. That we can do inner work to bring out our true beings. Or we can work on our outer appearances and health. We possess the ability to be ourselves. Our true, unique and beautiful selves.

In keeping with resolutions, I'm resolving to get my book out. I know, I know. I've said that before. But I'm ready to do what's necessary to get it up and published. I read a book titled, "The Happiness Project" in which a woman decided to bring more happiness in her life by addressing major themes in her life each month. January: Boost Energy. February: Remember Love. March: Aim Higher. April: Lighten Up. May: Be Serious About Play. June: Make Time for Friends. etc. I liked her creative approach so I decided to apply her Happiness Project to my book project.

And in keeping with all good resolutions (or at least increasing the chances of them actually manifesting), I'm sharing them with you.

January: Resolutions.
February: Love.
March: Expiration Dates and Birthdays.
April: My drive and impact in the world.
May: Appreciation.
June: Remembrance and wanting to quit - everything.
July: Renewed enthusiasm and spirit.
August: Focusing on Goals and being opened up.
September: The Accident.
October: A Year of Firsts.
November: Giving Thanks and Recognizing Gifts.
December: Healing in Colorado over the holidays.

Here's to being that small 12% who actually make their New Year's Resolutions stick. Oh, and I think I'm going to find myself a writing coach. Why not?!

Goodbye 2012.

These are my priceless jewels. Contained between these pages are my memories, realizations, dreams, resolutions, inspirations, loss, love, emotions and wisdom. They house my life - my one and only life. I have my favorites but together, together they make up who I am and where I've come from.

They all represent different times in my life. Times that have changed. 

The leather book with the twine around it was my year of firsts after losing Ryan. Next to it, the green hemp book of acceptance. Then to their far left, journals from the past two years. Page after page filled with ah ha moments, sorrows, great loves and dreams. Benjamin graces a lot of those pages.

It's the last day of 2012. I'm looking back over the past year, and found myself looking back over the past two decades. Countless resolutions: weight loss, Spanish learning, fingernail biting, self improvement, to name a few. As I browse through the pages, being whisked through time and space, I notice a theme: year long resolutions and ones that are created in every month of the year. Thank goodness for that! Can you imagine if you only had one chance a year to change something about yourself? To create a lasting, year long resolution only once?

That's a scary thought.

My little books of wisdom - the ones that I've gained through the steady passage of time - all contain agents of change. I'm so glad I recorded what I wanted - between relationships, self love, healthy lifestyle, finding love again and living in a sunny location. And guess what? Over time they came true. Maybe not in their original intention or even in the same journal, but they came to realization.

So much strength, love and wisdom. It's nice to reminisce the past. To affirm that your decision to live in the now and enjoy this moment is a life well spent. That the future is in the future, the past is in the past and all we have now is the now.


May 2013 bring a lifetime filled of living in the now. And more journals to fill your shelves.

First Tracks

My legs burn from today's effort. The kind of effort leaving me drained. The one that seizes my legs after 2,000+ lunges down the steep, snowy and mogul back bowls of Keystone. The couch has since swallowed me whole.

Hello, telemark skiing. Hello, 9 degrees. BURRR! Hello, I love living in ColoRADo!

Muscle memory amazes me. I only skied 4 days last year, but the past 15 years on teleskis has stayed with me. I'm leaping and bounding and pushing my body. Telling my sticks where to float - on top of the moguls, not in their icy troughs. My hands defrost from the hard effort. My head pounds from the lack of oxygen from exerting at over 10,000 feet.


Scarce coverage requires agile movements between unmarked obstacles. My quads scream after the fourth run, and I begin the traverse back toward the base. Not bad for a first day on the slopes. Yes, my body remembers the motions. It's aging and requires more rest and less punishment. Tomorrow brings another opportunity. Come on deep powder! Snow baby, snow!

Thank God Seattle is rainy.

The rain has stopped, but the wind blows. It sinks into my bones, this cold, damp air. It prevents me from wanting to be outside, to fight the couch potato default and commit to myself. How did I do this before? How did I truly enjoy being out in the cold, gray, wet and soggy Northwest? Riding my bike through the puddles and steady downpour. Where the sun comes up at 8am and sets before 4pm. And for multiple years in a row. Scratch that - all my life!


Knowing what I know now - going for life with gusto and moving to a sunnier climate makes me wonder why I didn't do it earlier. Why I settled for anything less than extraordinary. Why didn't I pursue the life of my dreams? What took me so long?

We've all been there. Maybe you're there right now. Something in your life just doesn't fit. Job, career, relationship, environment, climate, etc. And yet we get comfortable being unhappy. Change seems too scary. It's easy to come up with a list of because, buts, the problem is....

The problem with saying the problem is is that it has become so habitual, we say it without even thinking. It's become a muscle memory reaction to change. In retrospect, we know better. It's easy to look back and say, yep! I did it again. What about your awareness of it happening in the moment? Can  you catch yourself before your automated response passes your lips? A pause, a conscious decision to change. Ah! There I go again with that saying!

Even if it's just for a fleeting moment, you can hear yourself making excuses. You are becoming aware that you're doing it. And that's pretty huge! Especially if it's so programed that you had no idea it was happening before. Take it a step further - substitute other wording. Try and instead of but; the beautiful thing is instead of the problem is; the I will instead of because. Commit to a different vocabulary.

Two July's ago, I had had it with the rain in Seattle. Flying home from Colorado into the rain made up my mind. That's it. Enough talk. I'm ready to take action and move to a sunnier climate. My excuse barrel tipped over and my action/adventure taker jumped up to take charge. It makes me wonder - do we all have to reach a tipping point before we are truly ready to make the change we want? Does something need to happen before we say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?!?!

I set a date to move: August 19, 2010. It felt so empowering to take action. To create change and follow my heart and dreams. When I put myself out there, and I mean truly out there, the world opened up. Things in my life started showing up. Massive opportunities unveiled themselves and I was really stepping into the person I want to be. The person I am. The adventurous, brave, courageous, authentic, beautiful woman I am.

I was scared shitless. Honestly. When I put my mind to it, and really got in touch with whether this felt like the right thing to do - I knew it was. And I had to trust myself. Completely. I just knew things would work out. And you know what? They did. And the continue to. Benjamin and I are celebrating our first year of owning our home together. I am meeting his family for the first time over Christmas. Our love has deepened and blossomed beyond any expectations or hope. And I've found my life's work and passion: inspiring others to live the life of their dreams.

All of this was made possible by not settling. By not trying to fit myself into a mold. By believing in myself and my values: chasing my dreams and passions. For reaching a tipping point with the climate, environment and trusting myself to go for it. And thankfully having a strong, loving and supportive network of people cheering me on, coaching and mentoring me along the way. And last but certainly not least - I thank Seattle for being rainy.

If you're curious about coaching and the multiple benefits it can bring to your life, I encourage you to reach out and try it. It's where commitment to change happens. It's where living the life of your dreams becomes reality.

Impact.

Impact. 





What's the biggest positive impact you can have in your life? What's an impact you can have on the community at large? How can you impact loved ones, family and friends? To really make a difference in their lives.

It's simple.

It's as simple as bringing your true authentic self. Of setting aside fears and damaging assumptions. Getting back to the root of your true self. Expressing that love you have for yourself and others around you.

To lead by example.

I gave a speech this morning on creating more balance in your life. I brought my true authentic self, shedding any attachment to any results. I wanted to share with them how I choose to live my life, from my heart.  Facing any fears and stepping into me. And it felt GOOD!

Afterward, Sue came up and told me I inspired her. It wasn't exactly what I specifically said, rather it's how I show up in the world. And when I truly shed those layers of fears, when I step into me, it's beyond measure. I feel grounded and connected to my life purpose. And that's what fills me up.

I'm aligning my life with the actions I choose. It's powerful and extraordinary and I'm finding my way to express it and share it with the world.

That's having an impact. An impact in my own life and rippling to others. It fuels my inspiration.

So get out there and have your impact. Bring your true authentic self and realize your life purpose.

Witnessing

What an amazing weekend. I feel like I can't do it justice by putting what I experienced this weekend into words. I'll try and preface it with until you truly experience something like this for yourself, words won't do it justice.

As many of you know, I'm in getting my professional co-active coaching certification through the Coaches Training Institute. Starting in October, I've now attended four weekend long workshops on the nuts and bolts of coaching the coach. Their training model is best taught through experience and each gathering of 25 or so people result in organic and life changing moments. What I'm going to share with you is my experience and how the power of coaching is changing my life.

It's day one of the three day weekend. There's a buzz in the room: part excitement, anxiousness, openness, caution. The focus of the weekend is process. How we process and be with emotion, and how we can in turn be with the emotions of a client. Earlier that morning I had met with Gary, Ryan's dad and he shared with me some very personal health concerns and estate planning. A heavy, yet necessary, topic over a cup of coffee. I love the connection Gary and I have. We've grown very close since Ryan's death and I reach out every time I'm in town. Naturally, Ryan comes up often in conversation and talking with Gary about Ryan is healing, for both of us. I see Ryan in so many things that Gary does, and I'm sure he sees Ryan in me.

Being in LA, working in my new found profession and following my passion is good for Gary to see, and it's good for me to show him. He encourages me and supports me 100%. And our relationship is absolutely open enough so I can share with him my love for Benjamin. He gets that it doesn't take away from my love for Ryan and expresses his genuine joy in that my life is continuing on. Having that love fills me up inside.

Fifteen minutes before class, Gary shares with me that he's ready to take what I consider a major step in his healing process. He expresses his wishes for his ashes and the spreading of Ryan's at the same time in a very specific spot. I have to go - time presses for me to start class.

I enter in the room and that buzz is there. My earlier conversation with Gary momentarily forgotten. Our leaders begin introductions and when it's my time to share what I feel, I tell the room that I am in the presence of my tribe. There's a lot of trust, love, compassion and no judgement. It feels safe. We start talking about the process of process and I can feel my emotions starting to bubble. My ears are getting hot, I feel a building. Something I can't stop and it's coming. I'm not going to be able to suppress it and they are looking for a volunteer to be coached in front of the class with one of the master coaches. I raise my hand immediately and float to the front of the room, knowing a tidal wave of emotion is coming. It's erupting out of me.

Sam looks at me. He doesn't need to say anything and I start bawling. Grief, sadness, emotion washes over me. I can't keep my eyes open. I want to feel this, I don't want to push it away. I know if I push it away it'll come back stronger. I courageously face it and although scared, I know I have a guide in the process. And a room full of people who love me and support me.

I share a few details. I share Ryan's death 4 years ago, my relationship with Gary. The ashes and his request for spreading them. Sam asks me what I feel. We go deeper into my emotions. I close my eyes and as hard as it is to imagine, I picture myself carrying out those wishes in years to come. Of being in a boat, in Bellingham Bay between Lumi Island and Marine Park. On a clear day you can see both Mt. Baker and Mt. Rainer. I visualize myself standing at the gunnel, feeling the sway of the boat supported by the bay. Feeling the weight of their remains - Ryan in my left hand, Gary in my right. I know I should release them. I know this is the spot. And I have a choice: disperse them or put them back in my pocket. I carefully tuck them back in my pocket. This is not the right time for me. Not yet. And it feels right to do that. To hold on a while longer. I trust myself to find the right time. The right time to sprinkle them into the ocean, together.

We carefully wrap up the coaching. Sam has done a masterful job of letting me feel the depths of my emotions. And some where, some how in the midst of going really deep into that vortex, a little release happens. A shift. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to miss someone and express that longing. And it's okay to feel healing happening too.

The room is shocked. They had no idea that I have gone through the loss of a spouse, despite having three previous weekends of intense learning. That beneath my positivity and optimism was a tragic, life altering event. That it takes courage, great courage to face what I did in the manner I did it. That I'm wise, wise beyond my years. And for those that didn't share in front of the rest of the room, they came up afterward and shared how touched they were. How it helped them in some way face what's going on in their lives. They thanked me.

Leslie, the other master coach, likened me to a volcano. One whose power could be felt in the room and ready to erupt. There was no stopping me, it was coming out no matter what. And what a gift it is to be able to face my grief and really look at it. To examine it and trust myself on when to come up for air. To be willing to feel it and know that at any time I could stop, yet there's something down there. Something within that could be unlocked.

It unlocked my belief in myself and my life purpose. The one that became clearer when Ryan died. The one that I'm aligning my life with. The one I feel passionate about and that I want to spend my life doing. I want to inspire others to live the life of their dreams. And I'm doing it. As I go along, as I examine what's inside, I'm strengthening. I'm building muscle to spread my message. To help others uncover what's preventing them from their dreams and empowering them to choose.

As exhausting as it can be, for as many tears as I shed and layers I peeled off, I feel energized. I feel alive. I am living the life of my dreams so you in turn can live yours.

That's the power of coaching. That's why I'm doing what I'm doing. I wish you all the best in your life journey and when you're ready for help along the way, I'm here for you.

Reptile Explanation

Silly me, I thought you could read my mind! That when I mentioned the reptile brain, you would automatically know what I was referring to. But after a couple nights of interrupted sleep and telling Benjamin this morning about how my lizard brain was waking me up in the middle of the night and he in turn gave me that look, I thought I better explain.

"Reptile brain? What are you talking about?"

Oh right. I've been so engrossed in my books and thinking, that relating it to the outside and unknowing world slipped my mind.

So to summarize: the reptile brain is what we are all born with. It's our innate fight or flight thinking. It's the primitive thinking that enabled mankind to run if a sense of danger popped up to avoid being eaten.  The voice that dominoes our fears when we're walking in the woods, alone. The one that reasons there's a bear or mountain lion around the next bend. It amplifies our fears, no matter how rational or irrational they are and takes things to the extreme. The one that keeps us comfortable in what we know and the one that gets uncomfortable when we attempt the unknown.

Then there's the other part of your brain. The one where you get to choose your perspective. You get to choose how you react to things and make the most out of life. The one who stands out in the face of fear and boldly tries new things, regardless of how likely or unlikely an outcome is. The one that keeps you walking down the path in the middle of the woods and has you following your dreams.

Funny how when you get closer to those dreams, the reptile brain starts a full charge to get you to run the other way. An automatic opposition to stepping outside of the box. In many ways it's predictable. And when you can recognize the difference between the two modes of thinking, you can choose which one to listen to.

I've noticed when I listen to my other brain, the one where dreams are created and realized, doors and opportunities open up. Answers to questions I haven't even thought to ask become apparent. I am able to choose how to align myself with my life purpose despite fear of failure or the unknown. It takes courage, honesty, repetition and above all trust in yourself. And having a good coach or two along the way certainly helps.

Embrace the chaos.

Contrary to this blog, my journal is filled to the brim with writing. My pens are running out of ink, page after page full of observations and personal perspectives. Thoughts jotted down, inspirations noted and action steps ready to be followed. If I'm not frantically writing, my nose is buried in a book.

Sure those pesky thoughts of self doubt creep into my head. What I'm attempting to do, what I am doing, is new and challenging. I'm claiming my own life - the one of my dreams and when I step out of that lens, if just for a second, I get dizzy. What if?! WHAT IF!!! Why are you challenging the status quo? Why are you drawing attention to yourself?!? STOP!!! My reptilian brain screams. The one who is "trying" to protect me.

Why? Because I might be eaten? Sure that was a reality for our ancestors. But I realized, and thankfully long ago, that I can choose not to listen solely to my reptile brain. That life is about choices and I get to be who I want to be. I had a choice when Ryan died. A choice between letting grief get the better of me or getting the better of grief. And as hard as it was, and at times continues to be, I choose to turn it into a gift. A gift that clarified my life purpose. A gift that showed me to stop settling. A gift to step boldly into who I am and who I want to be.

Sure there's a small truth to those warning signals but rather than let them fuel how I live my life, I've learned to go in the other direction. To face my fears. To take risks. To move beyond what I can see and what I so comfortably know.

And guess what?

Looking and living beyond that frame work opened up a whole new way of thinking. A whole new way of being. I embrace chaos theory. I step into the unknown with open expectations and wonderful, beautiful and unsuspecting meanings show up.

My ship is navigating uncharted waters. But I'm willing to risk it. I'm willing to fall off the end of a flat earth to discover that it's indeed round. It's my gift I am sharing with the world.