Monday, November 28, 2011

Tsunami Flash Flood.

I couldn't walk down the street fast enough. Tears were coming, and they were building quickly. I didn't want to run into anyone, didn't want anyone to see me. I tried thinking of things that would make me immediately happy - riding, sunshine, Colorado.... anything to not feel the depths of grief coming at me in tsunami proportions.

But they still hit.

I haven't been in my old house in three months. Not since I packed up the uHaul and headed east. I thought I had said goodbye to my old attachments. Thought that the furniture I left in the house wouldn't weigh me down. Thought that having my sister live there with her things inside the house would make everything okay. Thought that dealing with Ryan's clothing in August and separating myself from constant daily reminders would make things easier.

But it didn't.

I walked right into this one. On a whim last night a friend mentioned she's building a massive climbing wall for her husband and children to enjoy. Thinking of the thousands of holds that fill my basement where Ryan poured hours of blood sweet and tears into his passion, I wanted someone else to use what he had left behind. She showed up this morning and as we took down two dozen jugs and wooden holds, my protective wall started coming down.

I've dealt with a lot of shit since he passed. A lot of shit. But that doesn't mean that you're over dealing with stuff. It doesn't mean that feelings and emotions won't resurface. It doesn't mean that your immune to tears, immune to feeling loss. It is always there. It just visits with less frequency.

After she left, I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I know I'll need to come back. I know I need to deal with what remnants I left behind. I know that if I really want to close that chapter in my life, then I'll need to get rid of as much as possible. And it's not going to be easy.


And to think, this morning as I was driving back to my mom's from the gym I felt so incredible. So happy that I did the right thing by moving. So excited about what's to come and the possibilities that lie before me. And I still am - I just got sucked into a flash flood of emotions.

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