Alpenrose is like an ancient wooden roller coaster. Sure there are newer, safer models out there but it's still fun as hell and contending with the G-forces in the corners puts a smile on your face afterward. Maybe it's the feeling of skating fate from the rough corner transitions or the bumpy track - or maybe it's because you're surrounded by people who love this sport equally as much - but regardless come Monday morning after the AVC, nothing can move me from the couch and put me back on the bike.

We, being Tela, Kendi, Christine and I had a very successful weekend. Each of us brought home a little cash and had a great time. Highlights include winning the women madison (with Christine!), Kendi winning the points race, me third and Christine 4th, Tela and I getting 2nd in the team sprint, Tela placing 3rd in the sprints, 6th in the Kierin, having Jennie Reed around to tell me to attack in the scratch race and nearly holding off the hard charging field for the win and 3rd in the Miss and Out.

And of course reconnecting with friends you haven't seen since the previous year and creating new memories is always a blast. Seeing some track records get broken and watch everyone's hard work and dedication pay off. I can't wait for the event again next year!

This weekend is the annual Alpenrose Velodrome Challenge. Racing starts Friday and continues all the way through Sunday. I'm headed down with a great group of ladies - Tela, Kendi, Mary, Christine and Jennie. Should be a blast!

And after yesterday's training session, I think it's safe to say I'm prepared. We did a point simulation effort behind the motor - winding up speeds close to 31 and then sprinting around the motor. At one point I got popped from the motor and it took me a while to recover - only to get back on and have to sprint again. I felt like my head was going to explode on the final effort - and shortly after it was over went to sit down in the shade not to get back up for a 1/2 hour. I was hurtin' for certain.

And afterward Jennie said, "that was UCI pace." For the record - that pace is not easy AT ALL.

Mad plug for Amara at Wheels in focus for taking the following shot. This photo captures the intensity the Friday Night racing saw out at Marymoor last weekend. Everyone is watching everyone else - waiting for the first move to be made and the match of accelerations. Good times, good times. :)

Can't sleep tonight. Or is it this morning?

Yesterday's residual emotions still weigh heavy on my mind - waking me up and keeping my brain spinning with thoughts of Ryan. I suppose it didn't help that yesterday I contacted the sheriff's office to see if they could tell me the exact location of where they found him. For some reason that made sense to me before - but after finding out, it stirred up so many emotions that here I am, up at 4am after going to bed at midnight.

It penetrated everything last night. Even my track sanctuary was disrupted. I could feel it during the warm up, bubbling up like an unwanted guest. But this time it wouldn't be ignored. This time after my first race and attempt to shut it out, it came crashing in sending me to the infield in a puddle of tears and despair. Christine came up and sat next to me, putting her arm around me and just let me cry. I started to feel a little better. And then I went to the stands where Trish (Ry's mom) and Molly (his sister) were watching and just started baling. They thought it was because they were there - but no, I told them about speaking with the deputy and how I couldn't shut it out anymore. I was so thankful to have them there - putting their arms around me, missing Bubba so much.

A lump is forming in my throat already.

Some how I was able to pull it together and get back to the racing. But afterward, I still lay awake in the wee hours only to feel the hole in my heart is still raw and needs a lot more healing.

I want to do some sort of memorial in Mazama on September 7. If you are interested and would like to go, please contact me.

Dirty Old Men, Estrogen and Good Samaritans

Yesterday was a good day and carried into today.

I went for a recovery ride with Tela and Kendi through Magnolia and then downtown. The sun was shining and there was minimal traffic to contend with. While riding the scenic route around Magnolia we were chatting, having a good time, enjoying the scenery and then accosted by a dirty old man. He was walking on the side walk, lifting up his shorts to display the upper portion of this thigh, whistling at us and holding a teddy bear. The response he got was three girls cracking up and cackling down the hill - and an image burned into my head that I'll never forget.

Then later that afternoon, I had a Tour date with Jennifer, Mary, Kendi, Julie and two other ladies at the Reading Gaol in Ballard. As we watched, more like glanced, at the TV as the riders strut their stuff on Versus, we also determined which Tour riders could be "my babies daddy." Cancellera was definitely in the running for the lion king. Just goes to show evolution still weaves its way into ordinary life and women pick the male who struts his bizness the most. Ha!

Quote of the night... as the one lone male dared to enter the room full of estrogen cackling ladies, Kendi said to me, "whoa. I haven't seen hairy legs in a while."

This morning I woke up a little later than anticipated but still made it into the gym. I skipped my morning coffee but planned on stopping at Pete's for some java and ended up buying a pound of coffee. As I walked with my steaming cup of joe in my hand across Fremont bridge, a passing cyclist asked, "is the bike okay?" To which I smiled, yes. Thanks for asking! Then I wondered why people don't ask, "is the human okay?" I suppose bike mechanics are easier to fix then people problems.

I watched the saddest movie I've seen in a long time. Revolutionary Road. It made me miss Ryan with a big lump in my throat, accompanied by deep, snotty sobs. The promise of going through life with my soul mate, a person who would always adventure with me, bring out the best in one another, to laugh with, cry with, have children with - gone.

Funny, I had just gotten into a sort of routine and started adapting to working really hard on the track bike. A diversion from grief. And then I watched that movie and it came crashing back in. I sat awake in bed last night, transported to 10 months ago. And then the news of John Bachar? I suppose the crying today was inevitable.

Ooff. Both blows below the belt.

Just goes to show - life has so many ups and downs, often back to back. I suppose you just get used to the roller coaster life.... and never take anything for granted.

Bummer.

Giving in

Gave into the ridiculous idea of not drinking coffee this morning. Boy, that was stupid! Especially after an early morning of pumping weights and then a solid-kill-your-legs-and-fall-over-afterward 500m standing start efforts. I'm back on the java - so look out!!!

Pushing

Yesterday was a hard training day. Hard in the fact that my strengths and weaknesses were displayed in full view, right before my very eyes.

With a huge workout on tap, it's tempting to think about the workout in its entirety. But if you do the beginning may be too discouraging. If you dissect each portion of the workout, break it down effort by effort - it suddenly becomes more manageable. The reason? You have to give each pedal stroke, each revolution 100% of your ability in order to get better.

Yet my mind wanders.

Why is it I battle concentration the most during my training? I'm able to easily flip the switch when I'm racing and tune out any external forces - but when I'm training, I listen to the million of voices begging for my attention, trying to divert me from the task at hand.

For example, here's what went through my head yesterday on the first of three sets of 3x300m full out rolling efforts. I should be going full gas for 20 seconds, only concentrating on pushing...

"Man this hurts. Why are my forearms rubbing on my bars? I wonder if Ryan is watching me. I wonder how Mary's efforts are going? I should smile more when I race. Those wheelsinfocus photos were not flattering - maybe I should have a surgeon fix my lips into a permanent smile. This gear is huge. Point your elbows! Flex that core! Push, push, push!!! Oh thank god that's over!"

And you know, as well as Jennie, that I didn't give that first effort my full intensity. It also didn't happen for the next one, or the one after that..... but by the last effort, the one I put my heart and soul into, the one where I got fed up I wasn't pushing - that one counted.

Afterward I felt exhausted, unable to talk. Ready to lie down in the grass and recollect my energy. My mental and physical exertion stretched to the max.

So why is it I can't give every single effort that maximum go? I strive for it every time I come out to the track. Yet I can only achieve it on my superwoman days. Time to start working the concentration aspect, I suppose.... time to push more.

I've heard meditation practice where you silence the mind for 20 seconds would help. It's hard not to let a thought interrupt you in the first 3 seconds of meditation... but with a little practice, I should be able to get up to 5 seconds.

The mind is such a powerful thing. You'd think I'd be sinking in as much energy into it as I do my physical training... time to dust off those mental training books.

I am attempting to go without coffee today. Attempting being the key objective.

After yesterday's monster track workout I could use a little boost. Especially since I already made it into the gym this morning to lift weights and am still blurry eyed.

We'll see how it goes....

It's 9:18 am and I'm already drooling for some java. RESIST!!!

It could have been a really hard weekend this past weekend. I could have stayed home, saved those bold encounters and reminders for a different time. I could have waited till another time to have a steady reminder that being in San Jose was the last time I talked to Ryan on the phone, the very last time I heard his voice and hear him say I love you. The tear filled drive home and then the beginning of my nightmare - but I went anyway. I had to. And I am so thankful to have been surrounded by my teammates and friends - excited about racing and having a great time, quick to make each other laugh.

Sure I had my moments. Like oddly finding out Michael Jackson died. I swear we were in the same location at about the same time when Ryan went out climbing - about 2 hours outside of San Jose. Is life really that random?

Then hearing from Ryan's dad for the first time in months. Hearing in his voice how hard Father's day was. I felt like sobbing out loud while warming up on my rollers before the points race.

But then being surrounded by friends from around the country. Some of whom said something, some didn't. Thank you to those who did.

Then things started getting a little easier. I raced my bike and good things happened. I felt alive. I displayed 100% of my ability. I laughed, I got paid for my podium efforts. And I smiled, a lot. I was surrounded by people who love track racing as much as I do - and it revived my passion for this sport. So much in fact, I'm seriously considering going to elite nationals.

I was reminded again of an important life lesson. Life is too short not to be doing what you love, living your passion and dreams, whatever those may be. If you don't - then one day you'll wake up and think nothing of Michael Jackson dying. :)

Oh yeah, boyyyyyeeeeeee!!!!!

Going back to Cali Wednesday. Road trip in my 1990 Vanagon with teammates Tela and Kendi. Adventures abound!

$1,000 to the points race winner. Incentive? You bet!

My bro, the manscaping Pro!

Check it out - just got this email from my brother...

"As some of you may remember, a couple of years ago we had an 80's costume New Years party in Seattle where I went as Richard Simmons.

Well Jamie entered a picture of me from that party in a KDUK 104.7 "Manscaping" contest for Fathers Day. . . And I won.

What a way to exchange a funny photo for a session of laser hair removal.

Hopefully they won't be upset when they realize the chest hair in the picture was the bangs from my wig glued to my chest.

Thank you Jamie!

G."

Check out the other finalists here.

Good Kharma

My yard was out of control. Weeds were growing to new heights and neglect ruined any notion of making a difference. Between traveling, riding and living, my yard has definitely seen better days. I first tried hiring my neighbor to help me out when my silly attempt at running a weed whacker left my yard looking like a tornado touched down in a random pattern. Then there's always the struggle of mowing my severely slopped front yard. The ivy has taken over the sidewalk and my back yard is a dust bowl/dandelion meadow/overgrown joke! A recent BBQ had my cycling team laughing and poking fun at it. But in all reality - running a 1,500 square foot house solo is a lot of work!

As I tried focusing more on my mental well being by leaving town and traveling to the Rogue River, Hawaii, Chicago and the North Cascades - it would be shadowed by the growing problem of having to tackle the yard eventually. With a little nudge by my mom - we decided to find someone to help me with it. And thankfully, my coworker Jasmine was listening in and made a mention that her dad does landscaping and she could talk to him.

A crew of four people showed up at my house yesterday and spent three hours trimming hedges, weed whacking, weeding, cleaning and doing a massive cleanup that would have taken me FOREVER. It inspired me to address some other neglected areas in my life - like organizing my cycling clothes and cleaning out the green house. They finished around 6 - and I was ready to find out how much the damage was. Regardless of cost, it was absolutely worth it. The huge burden was lifted off my shoulders and now I can plant my tomato plants, water my garden, etc. And that's when Jasmine told me, we're done! And I replied, what do I owe you? Nothing. WHAT? Nothing? No way - I have to do something. You guys worked your asses off and I must give you something in return. Nope.

Wow. I was stunned and shocked, to say the least. I couldn't believe someone would go so far out of their way to help me. I'm still stunned. And shocked.

It also made me realize how important it is to give to others selflessly. Not because you expect anything in return, but because it's the right thing to do.

Tragic news

Last night I went to a film at the Mountaineers. Prior to the show starting, they paid tribute to three missing climbers in China, with two confirmed dead. They were attempting a route on Mt. Edgar and were swept away in an avalanche. As they panned through a series of pictures, I noticed my friend Nellie in one of them. Turns out she's dating Micah, one of the three whose body still hasn't been found.



My thoughts are prayers are with her and all of the friends and family affected...

Not recommended...

I'm still wincing as I write this.

And I sure hope someone caught what I just did on video.

Typical day. Wake up, feed the dog, put the kettle on, make some coffee, throw together something for lunch. Hit the shower, then roll my pant legs up and get on my neglected yet still rolling rain bike to pedal the 1.5 miles into work.

I know, rough.

I get to cruise down a nice hill, and the thought has crossed my mind more than once - what if my foot comes off or my toes get raked on since I'm wearing flip flops on shimano pedals? There was the one time I cruised down the same hill, on my race bike all kitted up and headed out to do hill repeats when my computer flew off my bike and then got run over by a car before my eyes. Luckily nothing happened there today.

And yes, I wear my helmet. Every single time.

So you can imagine my surprise when I rolled up to the Fremont/34th street interchange, stopped at a red light then start to move forward as the light changed, go to throw two swift strokes into it and BAM! My right foot gets snagged, flip flop goes flying, crotch comes down HARD on the top tube. So hard in fact, I think I just did some permanent damage. I hobble in reverse to grab my slipper, while cars are annoyed I'm in their way and my junk is throbbing so hard it's blinding my vision.

I collect my slipper, put it in first and can't sit down the remaining 1/2 mile to my office. What lesson did I learn? Wearing flip flops on shimano pedals is not very pro.

Hard Time

I've been having a hard time concentrating. I try to stay focused at work and my thoughts just keep returning to Ryan. Every corner I turn, every place I travel, every new experience I try, my thoughts keep returning.

He would have turned 32 last Friday. And oh how that ache hurts.

In attempt to Super Glue the fittings of my track chain ring bolts on my bike to prevent them from spinning, I super glued my fingers together. It reminds me back in the day with Lee Press on Nails and getting a bunch of glue all over my hands.

Super Glued fingers are hot.

The good news though - I just got my Cane Creek training wheels dialed in and will attempt their maiden voyage tomorrow on the track. So what if my front wheel is BRIGHT yellow and rear wheel bright BLUE? Gomer!

It was 85 here in Seattle today. 85!!!

June

A big month, the month of June. Molly's birthday is tomorrow and Ryan's is on Friday. It will also mark 9 months since he passed.

In case you haven't noticed, summer has arrived in Seattle. We've had 2 weeks of straight sunshine and today it reached 80 degrees. It's supposed to just keep rising all week. This is the reason I put up with the wet winters we deal with.

I've been managing to keep myself pretty busy lately. I kayaked the Rogue River in Oregon with my friends Sharon and Steve and their friends mid-May. Three amazing days on the water with fantastic weather and high, fast water. The accommodations on the water were perfect - and the scenery unreal. This type of trip should be on everyone's bucket list.

Then a day home for gathering my bikini and sunscreen and off I went to O'ahu. On the North Shore to be exact, where my mom rented a seriously phat crib on Sunset Beach. Every night the crashing surf would lullaby me to sleep, a mere 100 feet from my window. Days were filled with nice runs, surfing, hiking, chilling and eating. What should have been a completely relaxing time turned into a stress case and blue feeling - and although I don't want it to be the case, being around my family often reminds me how much I miss Ryan. The walls are down, the true feelings come out and by the end of the trip I wasn't able to sleep much. I had a repeat nightmare dream of the night I first found out he was gone. It came crashing in louder than the surf outside. I suppose I was overdue for a break down. I still can't get used to them though.

A few days at home in the sun, riding my bike and getting back into doing the things I love cured my blues. I went to the track a couple of times and pedaled my way back into a little happiness.

But now I fear I've been at home a little too much. I can't run from the memories that fill the house when I spend a lot of time here. It's a little too quiet in the house, something I'll probably always have a hard time getting used to. The mountains are starting to call my name - and a visit to Mazama will soon be in order.