I often struggle with what to say. How to take the millions of thoughts that pass through my brain and convey them to anyone near. It's hard to just shut certain feelings and thoughts out - how to let go of silly things that have no bearing on the big picture. And I suppose this is my brain's way of coping and avoiding sad and negative thoughts.
Try as I may with keeping ultra busy - hosting back to back dinner parties and trying to stay on top of everyday tasks, it came to a screeching halt last night. I was flipping through a cook book to look up roasting a chicken when I came across a list Ryan wrote for things for the cabin. Seeing his handwriting so unexpectedly made me pause, for I don't know how long. I ran my fingers over his distinctive script, as it transported me to another time and place. But I couldn't take a moment then to cry and remember just how much I miss my soul mate because I knew the floodgates would open. I had mouths to feed and friends on their way - that grief would have to wait until later.
Dinner went well, laughs were shared, conversations ensued. My sister was there with her boyfriend and their dog Wally and it was really nice seeing them so at ease and relaxed. They are really happy together and I am really happy for them. Lips were smacking, fingers licked and both Erik and RMiller went back into the kitchen later to polish off any scraps left in the dishes (the ultimate compliment to the cook!).
And after everyone had left, the dishes put away, the extra chairs and leaf to the table stored downstairs - and I hoisted Makiah up onto the bed and crawled between the sheets myself, that little bit of grief came crashing in.
I keep a picture of Ryan on the wall in my bedroom. It's one of him at the crag in New Halem, looking up (as he always did) with a slight stubble on his face, warm clothes wrapped around him. His face looks like he's concentrating on something - either running a climbing problem through his head or coming up with some witty comeback for the camera man. I stare at this picture every day. But last night it sent me spiraling. I long for him. Long for his touch, to feel his face, hear his laugh. We could be any where in the world together and completely in bliss. To just have him around. I miss him so much.
The holidays can be tough. They bring together families and traditions, which I am very thankful for. But for some they are a reminder that life can change in an instant.