Almost knocked the F*$# out!

Yesterday Chris and I took a jog through Point Defiance. Conveniently located directly behind his house, you can access it by walking through the parking lot of SBN (Salmon Beach North) and head into the Old Growth forests. The trails are blanketed in pine needles, soft mud, occasional puddles. The views are amazing - you catch glimpses of the rhododendron garden, Puget Sound, ferries, and listen to eagle chirp.

We have a 4 mile loop we've been frequenting lately and we took it extra slow - 10 minutes slower than our previous jaunts. I still got that runners high - or maybe it was the second hand smoke from all the Tacomans puffing on indo during Earth Day.

As we exited the park, like I've done a handful of times, we skirted beneath some fallen logs. I was thinking to myself how funny Chris looked by barely bending his back to clear a large log. I did a quick dodge and as I came up I smacked my noggin on a second hidden log. It knocked me down on the ground and I started laughing/crying hysterically. Chris said it sounded like a coconut was split in two. I was rolling around in the mud, laughing, crying, spasming, not sure what happened and then cracking up. I so wish someone would have caught that on video!

Another reset button physically pushed this time. :)

Pressing the reset button

Yesterday I hit a major reset button. Major.

I took my track bike down from the wall where it's been sitting and collecting dust since last September. I pumped up the tires and put on pedals. I located my heavy track sack - laden with chain rings and sprockets. I dug out my Broadmark jersey and headed east to Marymoor for the first time in months. One of my skin suits still has the USA Master Nationals jersey numbers pinned onto it.

I was a little apprehensive about getting on the bike - with the instant reminder that something is missing from corner two. But it only took me 100m before I realized what a huge smile pedaling around in perfect circles on an oval track does for me. I had a grin on my face from ear to ear. It's different than road. You don't have as much time to think. The purity, the gracefulness, the harmony of body and machine.

Riding my Tiemeyer is like putting on a perfect fitting baseball glove. I know every contour - how to control the bike, how it feels at speed, how to look through the corners and how much blood, sweat and tears go into pushing your body beyond the limit on such a simple machine. I found myself getting excited for the season - the racing and the people. Feeling the love and the amazing bonding experience the track scene has given me. I hadn't realized how much a part of my life it has become until yesterday.

Doing jumps off of corner two came naturally. My body remembers. My heart knows that it feels so right. It felt like I had reconnected with a lover that had been on leave for months.

I was starting to worry. I found myself dreading road racing. Looking for other sports to fill my heart and mind with. Finding excuses to avoid certain races. Feeling lost and uncertain that something that had once given me so much meaning and purpose now felt like a burden. (You know it's serious when you start running on a knee that doesn't have a meniscus!) It really scared me actually, to the point where I stopped writing, stopped communicating and started worrying. I would lay in bed at night, eyes wide open, wondering what would come next. What on earth was destined for me and hoping that it would come soon so I could stop the uncertainty.

And then yesterday things clicked. Honestly, I can't recall a single time in the past 5 years when I felt like quitting track. Where I wanted to hang up the bike, sell all of my gear. I had completely forgotten that. In contrast, I can't tell you how many times I wanted to quit road racing. (Basically on every hill!) So to feel that passion again on the banking - to know I hadn't completely lost all of my identity and still have that piece of me left, in tact and whole - wow, what a relief. And I slept like a baby last night with a smile on my face thinking about the pain and suffering I'm going to cause my competitors.

I have some friends who recently sold everything they owned, invested their cash into a pickup truck and trailer and left everything behind to travel to the Nation's national parks. Their goal isn't quite clear - other than they're hoping to stumble upon something great by stepping outside of their comfort zone. Following their story is interesting - and reminds me of all of the road trips I've done in the past. Funny, they're about 8 years older than me, yet I learned some of the lessons of living on the road about a decade ago.

Now I find myself yearning to go on long road trips - to visit the same national parks and live out of a car. Where your expenses revolve around gassing up, eating, and entrance fees. But the experiences you have are priceless. Like getting stuck on the top of the East Buttress of the Middle Cathedral Rock or seeing thousands of dragon flies feed in the Sierra Nevada mountains.

Or seeing fire dancers throw flames in Skaha. Or stopping at Castle Rock... or poaching KOA camping in Oregon... or camping on private land on the Methow River... or....

May life be filled with frequent adventures and amazing memories.

A list of honey dos clutter my mind. Yet procrastination settles in like a long term illness. Piles of things start to tower and my motivation to organize them wanes.

I often ask myself, "why do we have so much shit?" We can't take it with us. It doesn't change me as a person.

Am I just a product of our society? A low grade consumer that has become so ingrained into the scheme that my questioning leaves me more clueless?

I can't tell you how many times this past winter I've thought about leaving it all behind, down grading everything I own to travel the world in hopes that I find myself again. My house is representative of my empty heart - cluttered with memories of things, yet empty. The structure remains as it was but the person who lives here isn't the same. No where even close.

The crying hasn't stopped. The hurt hasn't stopped.

It is harder when I spend a weekend home. I can get through the week okay - but weekends are the toughest. And Mondays - ooooohhhh mondays. Sigh.

Thinking of Ryan and Brad.

What gives?

Two crashes in two weekends, both on the final corner of the last lap. As soon as I saw the carnage happen, I sat up and gave up. Same thing happened last week. Both resulting in two people heading to the hospital for serious injuries. It makes me wonder why do I race my bike?

Dear Sun,

I know you just visited, but please come back as soon as you can! The flowers, trees, birds and bees all need you. And dry pavement is good for racing.

Sincerely,

Soggy Wet Seattlite.

I couldn't tell you how many times I've logged into my bank online in the past three years. But it's a lot. And today, I went to log in to my account like any other day and my pin number is completely gone from my memory banks. Poof. It's as though I finally had one too many random numbers floating around in my head and my memory was full. Early onset of memory loss?

And I hate to admit it -but this isn't the first time it's happened to me. I forgot my debit pin number a few years ago when checking out of a grocery store. Talk about feeling like a moron.

Yesterday I took advantage of the weather and headed down to Chris's house at Salmon Beach in Tacoma. We hopped in his boat, cruised across the narrows and hit up happy hour at the Tides in Gig Harbor. Makiah joined us - and her entire body shook the whole time we were afloat. We picked up some new bbq parts for his 12 year old grill, grabbed some items to throw on it and then boated back. Rainer was out in full effect - along with the Olympics. I got to wear flip flops for the first time in MONTHS. And then I had the extreme pleasure of meeting Galen aka Gatron. Truly a one in 6 billion people - this guy was off the charts. Check out this clip on youtube from him being a dare devil and flying through 90,000 volts of neon on a wet Saturday afternoon in January....



His 30th birthday is on Sunday and to celebrate he's shooting his recently passed away cat's ashes out of a cannon. Oh and eating ice cream cake too. He's got it all figured out. :)

Weekend Warrior

Headed south to the Dalles - the wind surfing capital of the NW and this weekend the Cherry Blossom Stage Race. Was going to take Maggie until I took her for a standard oil change and my new mechanic said I probably should drop about $1,500 into her before making the venture. Did I spend the money? Nope. So now we're onto Plan B - borrowing Julie's honey's Pathfinder with lots of room for all of our stuff.

Hopefully the weekend goes smoothly and we actually see the sun for a change! It's been raining in Seattle since November and my pasty white skin is itching for some Vitamin D. Hard to believe spring has sprung in parts of the states already... I'm thinking road trip....

Golden

Ah, golden birthdays. 31 on the 31st. First Makiah woke me up by singing happy birthday to me (that or she was doing her typical whining thing for food). Then I got a sweet call from Tom - and he showed me a link to him playing live music at the Quarterback Pub in Bellingham and I got to listen to my favorite songs while sipping a cup of java. Then I got a call from Camile - wishing me happy birthday and I swear I've been on the phone with various people since. Thank you for all the birthday wishes - it's so nice to be thought of on your birthday!

Headed to the spa (free on your birthday!) and then to dinner tonight with the family. Good times, good times. Another 365 days on this planet. Here's to being only 1/3 of the way!

My neighbor Jo moved out this weekend. When she told me last week that she was moving, I was happy for her to be moving on in life. But the reality of her not being next door didn't hit until I got home from a weekend away and saw her blinds up, boxes packed, things moved and space empty.

She was there when I got back from San Jose in September. She was a voice of reason and soothing when shit hit the fan. Together we gathered rescue equipment, thinking that Ryan had fallen off his bike and we were going to be looking for him on a trail. She, along with Guy and my mom, was there when a policeman at the North Seattle precinct conveyed the news.

Though she's only lived there for three years, I feel like we've been sisters forever - joined through experiences. She successfully completed her PhD and together we protected my homestead when it rained so hard the gutters overflowed, nearly flooding the basement, again. We pioneered through buckets and buckets of blueberries - creating a winter's worth of jam and frozen berries. We shared lots of laughs and stories in the middle of our shared driveway.

Thank you Jo for being such a great friend and neighbor. Bathroom slipper visits will be missed and seeing you getting on your bike each morning to commute downtown. I know you're only 10 blocks away - but having you next door was such a comfort. You are such an incredible strong woman and I'm so lucky to have had you next door!

Thanks Jenny Craig!

Check out these photos of Makiah taken at the beginning of September, 2008.


Seriously, what were we feeding her? Poor thing! That's not all fur, you know.



Then this photo was taken in late September - before the serious doggy diet. She was a little stressed for sure - but not quite on her way to her current, slender self.



And this picture was taken this past Sunday. No, I haven't been starving her. But I did switch up her eating habits. She now gets feed twice a day and only 1/4 cup each time. We're getting into running shape together and now her grins go from ear to ear!

A 5 Year Olds Observation

My mom went down to Brownsville, Oregon a couple of weekends ago and baked cookies with Coleman, my nephew. They made sugar piped cookies that only call for egg yolks. The cookies turned out great.

They kept the separated egg whites for breakfast the following morning and to give them some color, my mom added an additional egg and then scrambled them up for Coleman. Upon serving them, Coleman turned his nose up at them and uttered, "they look like the skin under my peter."

My mom, unsure of how to react, tried explaining what Coleman had said to her with Jaimie, without actually saying it (to encourage such language). The scope of it wasn't understood until Coleman uttered the same expression the following morning when served eggs for breakfast.

George is so proud of his son. You should have heard him giggle when he told me about it.

What marks the progression of time?

Is it the realization that your routines have been forever altered?
The obvious wear and tear of the clothing you wear?
The deepening crows feet that highlight your eyes?
Or the gray hairs that pop up on your scalp that seem to multiply overnight?

Hopefully you've made the most of the time that just whizzed by. You took the trips you dreamed about, you strove to do what you wanted. You surrounded yourself with people you love and in turn love you. You stopped being unhappy and putting up with something just because you had it in your head that you were okay. Don't settle for mediocrity.

Run. Live. Breath. Enjoy the simple pleasures. Schedule that get away - you deserve it.

A friend and I went for a ride up to Edmonds today. He was laid off from his job a couple of months ago and made the most out of his time. He immediately headed south to sunnier states to ride his bike and live simply. He's having the time of his life. It reminded me of the time Ryan and I both stopped working for a while and traveled to Europe in our early 20's. The time spent there, living in the moment, soaking in the culture and doing what we wanted to do has produced some of the fondest memories I hold. Spontaneous trips like that always stick out - so what are you waiting for? Do it.

Thought I would put up something other than the previous squirrel photo - thanks again to Ben for that one! Apparently a friend of a friend of a friend took that photo and swears to its authenticity. Ha!

Yesterday went on a 3 hour road ride in some nice spring weather. It was actually kind of warm out (53) and I was stoked I didn't get rained on. I traveled on some old routes I haven't done in a quite a while and it was nice to revisit them. Ryan accompanied me for most of the ride too - thoughts of him pushing me through the harder sections. I still can't figure out what's better - listening to his mp3 player or letting my brain travel in its regular patterns. Either way it seems at least once throughout my long solo rides I feel like crying. I've come to accept it actually. So if you see some HB rider bawling her eyes out on her bike - you'll know its me.

Yesterday I felt spring. The long winter is behind us. Sure we might have a few sputters here and there - but the dark months are over. Onward to the spring equinox!

Courtesy of Ben Carney.Ha!

Warning - totally inappropriate. :)

Colemanator and the Bug

Mad props to my sis who took these great photos of our niece and nephew. Adorable! marcysutton.com

American Velodrome Classic

The 2009 AVC is slotted for June 26-27, 2009 in San Jose. Right now they're boasting a prize list of $14,400 broken down into the following categories:

Elite Men $6,600
Elite Women $5,400
Master $1,400
Madision $1,000
TOTAL $14,400

Check out the following video Rick Adams created to round up a sponsor for the upcoming races.

Video

Hope to see some of you in Cali!

The year of firsts

This is the first year since I started working, that preparing our taxes resulted in a stress free, dance-around-the-office kind of feeling. Most would think that owing $6K to the IRS would be daunting - but compared to the $10K I originally thought I owed - all I can say is THANK YOU TURBO TAX!

Now if I can just plan properly for next year, the April 15th deadline won't stretch the wallet as thin....

Government - who needs it? Ha!

I woke up several times Saturday morning to the steady drizzle of rain. My eyes finally peeled open for good at 9:30 and I rolled out of bed. Put the coffee on, start making some breakfast, and enjoy the warmth. My hopes of it clearing up outside were quickly lost when I crossed the Tacoma Narrows bridge.

Early season racing is in full effect. Sub 40 degree temps, steady rain, long hard miles.

I raced with my 5mm diving gloves today. Usually they're too warm and stinky - but I was super glad to have them. The first lap it was raining lightly - nearly everyone had stayed in the pack. And then as we rounded corner one, the skies opened up and a river of rain ensued. People dropped like flies. The pace was a lot slower this time around - with all of us ladies sitting in for the most part. I remember thinking to myself, that I could pull on the next lap - as we passed the parking lot - went and found Kelly and she talked me out of it. Boy am I glad.

Around and around we went. Single file for the most part for lap 3 - barely being able to see in front. Then my hands went numb. I tried digging out some Hammer Gel and couldn't get my hands to function properly. I drank maybe 1/3 of one bottle - soaking in the rest of the moisture with my skin and drinking a steady drip of road spray. That has to have some sort of nutritional value, right?

Last lap - Kelly, Tricia and Jenni make a move up the road. My efforts to reel myself into the break were pathetic - as this point I'm shivering. Carrie and I are the lone ladies left with the guys. The guys attack one another, chase, come back together and slow way down. This repeats about 10 times. Until finally, I can't take it any more and just start riding a steady pace. I peel away from them - and come into the finish solo. Carrie was so focused on following a wheel at that point - she misses me going up the road. I swim past the finish line for 4th. 60 miles done, in miserable shitty conditions.

I start shivering in the car so bad, I'm having a hard time controlling my car. But a big smile of satisfaction stretches across my face - and I can feel Ryan patting me on the back.

DM Sighting

I made an appointment two weeks ago to see an accountant at HR Block in Wallinford. Tax prep material in hand, I showed up, sat down and waited. And waited. And waited. 35 minutes passed from my said appointment time. As I was staring out the window, who do I see? Mr. Dave Matthews walking his baby on the corner of 45th and Wallingford. I took as a sign to stalk him and get out of HR Block.

Thanks Dave Matthews for helping me realize I should just do my own taxes. My blood pressure just rose but at least I'm saving $300 clams out of my own pocket.

Embarrassing Moment

So I suppose I was over due for one. Last night, Chris and I went to a play at the Seattle Rep called Betrayal. My mom was out of town and offered her tickets. It's a play written by Harold Pinter and if you have the means, I highly recommend seeing it.

We took our seats about 5 minutes before the show started. The audience was conversing somewhat loudly, Chris and I both studying the program brochures. The lights dim, the audience silences and the actors take the stage. A few lines were spoken, and then my stomach, which had been acting funny all day, let out the loudest moan I have ever heard. It shook Chris's seat! He gave me the funniest look - of shock and denial - and I couldn't stop silent giggling for 5 minutes. It was one of those super loud moans - a funny reminder that human behavior can be erratic, unpredictable and unstoppable. Even the people behind us squirmed in response.

Fearful it would happen again, any shift in my intestine would leave me anxious that Bertha the Betrayer would speak again. Thankfully she said all there was to say and lay silent thereafter.

Overdue...

1. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

2. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

3. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

4. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

5. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

6. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

7. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

8. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Red Rocks

Way over due trip report for our trip to Vegas. But it's slow at work and I've been meaning to get this pictures up... so here goes!

Friday morning we woke up EARLY to find SeaTac jammed full of people. Turns out we were traveling on one of the busier travel days of the year - over Presidents weekend. With no printer between the two of us, we were subject to last minute check in on Southwest - which means back of the bus. But at least we were on a direct flight!

We arrived well before noon and headed to Whole Foods on Charleston Road to load up on java and ooey goeys for the days adventure. We headed up to Red Rocks National Conservatory and made our way to the Mescalito area.



After rearranging our packs and gear, we quickly realized that we had locked the keys in the car, with the radio running and our cell phones. Undeterred, we went climbing. Breaking into the car and dealing with AAA could wait as far as we were concerned! (Notice the keys are in the ignition!)



We climbed The Cat in the Hat, a 5 pitch 5.7 route. It was really easy terrain and a good way to get back into climbing. I hadn't been climbing outside since last July. There were a few demons to get over, that's for sure, but I'm really glad I did it. That is until we got about 4 pitches up and it started snowing HEAVILY. Luckily I came prepared - two puffy coats, long johns, etc. I started to freak a little - to which Chris responded that he learned how to climb in those conditions thanks to his mountaineering and ice climbing background. That didn't do much to ease my mind - especially considering we still had to break into the car! So we opted out of the last pitch (which was a good idea considering the party in front of us was moving super slow) and headed back to the car.



Chris showed his true colors. Locking your keys in your car, with it running and all of your overnight stuff in it, etc could potentially cause a small tantrum. Ryan certainly would have freaked out. But he calmly waved over a couple who was willing to help us (they were from Beaverton, OR) and lent us their cell phone. We called AAA and they were on their way. But there was only one slight glitch - the park was closed and the rangers had long since locked the gates. The nice couple gave us a ride back to the entrance, where we tried in vain to locate the ranger. Next thing we know the AAA truck showed up, flashed his lights in effort to locate us and we came running out of the dark and snowy night. One problem though - we had no way back into the park. So the AAA showed compassion on us and drove us to our hotel. Fortunately my steal trap of a brain remembered the address and at the last minute I had grabbed my credit card and ID so we were able to check in.

The following morning we called AAA and had them meet us in the park. A Vegas cab driver picked us up and $60 later and 15 miles of hearing him bitch about the economy and his miscalculation of Enron stock and gambling problem, we were back at the snow covered car and surprised to hear the radio still singing.



That day we tried to find Geranimo and had no luck! The guidebook lead us to believe the climb started at the mouth of the canyon - and we of course walked right by and continued up the snow crusted boulders only to realize we totally got off route and had little day light left to complete the climb. At this point we needed some entertainment so we headed to Red Rocks Casino (aka freak show!).



The next day we headed back to successful summit Geranimo, a 5 pitch 5.6 climb. The reason we climbed such easy trad routes was because sandstone rock gets super brittle when wet. Big huge jugs can break off in your hand without much effort - and when a foot hold broke off mid way up Geranimo, I was thankful to be seconding Chris's lead. The views were great - and we got to check out Crimson Crysalis - a 5.8 that has a super hard chimney in it. But this trip it was covered in snow.



The next day we woke up to rain so we hiked into the Prince of Darkness canyon area. (Wish I could remember the proper name for that one!) Ryan and Andrew had climbed in the area a few years prior and I swear I could feel his presence. There's something extremely magical about that canyon. Tears were shed in his memory - but good tears. I felt closer to him there than I often do in our house. That night I had a vivid dream about him.

Our final day in the park took us to the Magic Bus area. It was a crazy weather day. On one side of the park it was sunny and beautiful and across the valley was a stormy snowy sky. We were happy to do some super easy mellow sport routes and were greeted by several Canadians who were happy to be somewhat defrosted from the cold weekend.



I actually had a really good time climbing moderate routes and pushing myself just ever so slightly.



My thoughts were with Ryan throughout the weekend and am really thankful for Chris's companionship. As I experience more and more firsts, their difficulty eases and I'm ever amazed at the journey it takes to complete them.

I have to admit that on Saturday when I registered for Mason Lake #1, the date didn't register until later in the race when Gina offered her condolences. 3/7/09. Six months have gone by.

If you would have told me six months and a day ago I'd be where I am now - I'd say bullshit. But then life has its way of taking twists and turns that are completely unexpected, unfair, rewarding and awe inspiring.

It was really kind of her to make mention of it - and really sweet of all the support I receive in the community from friends and teammates alike. My inner battles and struggles wax and wane - thank you all for showing genuine concern and care.

Last night I had what appears to be somewhat of a recurring dream. This time Ryan came back after being held in a monastery where his life threatening wounds were treated without my knowledge. Suddenly he was back in my life and I was feeling awkward about the new relationships and progression I had made since he left. He was shirtless in my dream and we were driving around in Maggie, our VW Westfalia.



And when looking for the above photo, I couldn't help but chuckle and laugh when i came across one of Ryan and Makiah before his weekly bike race down at SeaTac. He sure did love that dog! And this is just a reminder to live life to the fullest - laugh as much as you can and enjoy it - it's the only chance we get!

6 Months

Today marks 6 months since Ryan's passing. Like the first month, tonight I found myself awake in the middle of the night, unable to shut my brain back to sleep. This time though, instead of severe shock and overwhelming grief, I think I'm just hungry from racing at Mason. I'm thankful my stomach woke me up before the clock turns over to midnight - another day complete. Sometimes you have to be thankful for the day you just experienced.

Got Weight Baring Exercise?

http://cyclingnutrition.blogspot.com/2007/11/cycling-and-osteoporosis.html

You should! Especially after reading this article...

TanTRUM!!!

My little sister used to throw tantrums just like this when she was little. Except she would yell and scream until she passed out. Ha!

Update: Running muscles are not the same as biking muscles.

And it's funny how I couldn't get my heart rate higher than 150 after a short run the day before. What gives?

And the neck is STILL sore from the TT on Sunday.

Wow - I'm getting old. What a whiner!

I guess I'm discovering what being old feels like. :)

Rediscovery

It's been about 5 years since I last thought about running. After my last arthroscopic scope in 2005, my knee doctor told me that running was not in my future. All because of a little tweaked knee when working at REI . Luckily I had a manager on duty file an accident report and L&I footed the bill. I thought it was humorous when I got a check in the mail for $1,500 for a "partial amputee" payment. But as time passed, and my relationship with running grew more distant - I started to resent that partial payment.

As a result, I've managed to avoid running. But I've always dreamed about it. Gone are the days of the half marathons, the trail runs, fun runs, St Paddy's Day Dash. I used to take my hour lunch break while working at Voicestream and tear it up with my buddy Keith through Bellingham's back roads in preparation for the running leg of Ski to Sea. My greatest moment as a runner - when I lost a toe nail from pounding my toes into the ends of my shoes posting a time of 51 minutes for 8 miles. And then there was the running portion of the first Women World Championship training back in Scranton, PA. I remember heading to the track with all of the ladies and being able to run my buns off. Running and boxing went hand in hand.

Fast forward to yesterday, when I went to Sound Mind and Body for the first time in 6 months. I've been using the free gym access at HSP to do my normal strength routine. And since I couldn't drag my butt out of bed fast enough to get into the gym, I decided to use SM&B since I was paying for it. The only problem - they don't have the same equipment as HSP. So I went to get on the vertical climbing machine - only to discover one of the two machines wasn't working and some lady was on the other one.

And that's when I rediscovered running.

I approached the treadmill, climbed aboard and then started a brisk walk. Then I gradually increased the pace, until I was jogging. No knee pain. Then I decided to go for 20 minutes. Why not increase my pace? And why not increase the distance? Next thing I know, I'm throwing shadow boxing into the mix and getting a taste of runners high.

Hello old friend. I missed you.

A hero

Spoke with Chris last night on his way back from a rescue from Point Defiance. His neighbor Johnny called him to say, "go outside!" and that's when he discovered two guys screaming at the top of their lungs, gasping for air as their canoe capsized and they were caught without PFD's. A quick jump into his "power boat" and he plucked the morons from the water. Of course his proudest moment was admitting he donned his stairs and bars hat, purple puffy coat and house slippers. No mouth to mouth was administered. ;)



TACOMA -- A Tacoma Fire Department official says two canoeists have been rescued after their canoe took on water, flipped over and spilled them into frigid water off of Point Defiance.

The male teens were plucked from the water by a private power boat Monday evening and transferred to a Tacoma Fire Department boat.

Assistant Chief Faith Mueller says the two were barefoot and their jeans were drenched, but they were able to walk to an ambulance, where they were treated by medics. She says they were fine other than being wet and cold. She says they weren't wearing flotation devices.

Spring is in motion and my heart and soul are wide open for its energy.

Thanks Camille for the call today. You make me smile. And I'm pulling for you for the Santa Fe job!

I felt like pulling over on my ride today and screaming at the top of my lungs. Letting the world know how unfair things are. How fucked up they are. Instead, I bottled it up and let it seep out. My God, what an emotional roller coaster. You'd think at 6 months I'd be feeling like I made some forward progress. But lately it feels like I'm sinking deeper. Is it possible to die of a broken heart?

There are moments during the day I feel like I'm so lost. And then there are moments when I see clearly and feel okay. I can't tell yet what sets the disparity in motion. What triggers might be causing this emotional spiral. Instead, I break out my hankies from Melinda's grandmother and have myself a good cry.

The pitter pat of the rain this morning did wonders to my motivational levels. Thoughts of blowing the TT off crossed my mind - but a quick check with Hardcore - and I knew I was in for it, rain or shine. Like icing on a cake - it was as if yesterdays ass kicker with the Rocket ride wasn't enough for my mental demise... much to my surprise today actually turned out to be ok! It was dry at the start of the TT - and it was really good to see some familiar faces that have been hibernating since last fall, myself included. The pain locker still feels the same - but like a long lost, friend - I missed it! I got to re-enter the tunnel vision that only accompanies a really hard ride. Who knows or cares what my actual time was - I'm just happy to be out racing my bike and gaining some fitness for the long good season ahead...

New life...

And a big congrats to Jake and Trina - proud parents of Molly Claire Venard!

http://jakevenard.blogspot.com/

Dreams

Woke up in the middle of the night due to a strange ass dream. It went something like this:

I was boarding a commercial plane in route to Hawaii. It was one of those mammoth planes with 5 seats in the middle, and three on either side. Unlike normal planes, this one had an observation deck you could hang out on top, with a viewing deck. The plane took off and I was accompanied by some large woman. I think she was somebody's mom and I remember being slightly annoyed she was there. At first it was fun. The plane was circling the city, then it dove down under some low hanging telephone wires. I thought we were going swimming for sure but then the pilot took a sharp left turn, then a right and started climbing. Up and up it went - and the next thing I knew, I was hanging onto the tail end of the plane, with the fat lady barely hanging onto me. I panicked until I saw Ryan near an oxygen box at the front of the plane telling me to reach up and grab him and he would pull me to safety. I shook the fat lady off of me and flew through the air after being relieved of a heavy burden and grabbed Ryan. As soon as I was there, I put the oxygen mask on and the viewing deck compartment was encapsulated. At that point, I realized Ryan was gone. I called the flight attendant in the cabin and told her that I was above them and to please let my mom know I was safe but there were two other people who were goners - Ryan and the fat lady. She said, make yourself comfortable, there's nothing we can do until we land. The next thing I know, my mom is laying next to me, hold me tightly and telling me everything will be alright. Then I woke up.

I think the fat lady was my baggage that I carry around with me on a daily basis. They're things that annoy us because they're around - but often it takes some life altering occurrence to shake yourself free of it. Seeing Ryan and having him help me to safety did just that - suddenly it was survival mode and I said good bye to my baggage as she disappeared into the Pacific Ocean.

With Ryan's brief appearance in my dream - it's similar to how he shows up now. He's always with me and helps guide me to safety, yet once I'm safe, the reality of him not being around physically sets in. I feel fortunate for every brief encounter I have of him - even if its in my dreams.

My mom showing up later in my dream shows how much of an amazing support network I have and that no matter what, she'll be there to pick up the pieces.

Last night was a night for dreams too - I also dreamed Liz was eating a stick of butter. It was partially melted on her face, and she happily licked it off. I woke up laughing.

And then I also dreamed of climbing with Ryan but realizing that although we had ropes, we didn't have the right combination of them to rappel off the route. He went first gophering his head up from the rock, and then disappeared into an abyss.

What a trip.

Psyching myself up....

The ability is within you. It was there all along. You just masked it one day with excuses and then relied on someone else to find it. Little did you know it was always there, waiting for your rediscovery.

So get out there in this rain and 41 degree weather and ride your bike you sissy. You know you want to. :)

Sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can start the journey back up. From all tall tale signs, I hit that bottom on Sunday night/Monday morning and now I'm on the rebound. Grief. Who needs it? But at the same time - it provides such a life altering, fulfilling and baffling journey. One I wouldn't wish on anyone but not in a million years I'd take away.

Oh - and I found my mojo. It was hiding with my spare keys I lost. :)

How to cheer yourself up in one evening...

All you need is:

-Excellent, tasty, home cooked Indian food. Accompanied by your friends sides and lavish additions (garlic nan, quinoa salad, green salad, green beans, salmon, multi grain rice, etc!)

-Twelve of your amazing, fast, fun teammates who are getting to know one another more and more off the bike - laughing together, eating together, planning how to take over the world together.

Thanks for coming over last night ladies. It's going to be an incredible season!

This is the closest I've ever come to depression. And it's depressing. I sit, letting minutes, hours, days pass by without really making what feels like forward progress. I know time has passed by the length of my hair, the deeper my crow feet wrinkles sink, the gray in my hair. Yet my mind feels like it's stuck in a loop. Replaying memories of time past - what feels like the best moments of my life - and I get sad thinking that new memories won't ever be shared with you again. At least not with you right next to me, ready to display your quick wit and clever commentary. Those early years are buried in some time capsule, waiting to be uncovered or catapulted into space.

I haven't been able to muster up enough energy to write lately. I think of stories to include - adventures to remember, and when I sit down to write them, they disappear into thin air. Poof.

Has any body seen my mojo? It's missing and I want it back!

Battered and beaten down by the storm - my emotions have taken a heavy toll. Day to day I often forget the trauma I so recently experienced until it wells up inside of me and bubbles out. I fumble around during the day, unsure of what's wrong with me, why I lack the drive I used to have, why I can't find happiness in concentrating my efforts into training, why things are duller than they were before. And it isn't until I have a good cry, letting myself back into healing, that I realize this is grief.

Hurry up spring. I need your cleansing green colors, your blue skies and warm sun kisses. Now more than ever.

Vegas, yeah baby!

Headed to the land of a billion slot machines, debauchery and sin - to do my best and avoid it as much as possible. Shouldn't be hard considering we're staying outside of the strip and spending the weekend at Red Rocks National Park climbing Solar Slab and various multi-pitch routes. I haven't climbed outside since last July with Ryan. Should be amazing.

Pics and stories are sure to follow....

Marymoor GP vs Elite Road Nats

So USA Cycling announced that elite road nats are going to be held in Bend, OR over the same weekend as the Marymoor Grand Prix. The organizer, David Mann, sent me an email asking what I thought if they ran the event the same weekend and whether or not it would cause a big attendance issue for the women. I can see where the conflict is - but am not sure if it would greatly affect the participation. Road nats has one title for one lady, no money - just glory. Marymoor GP has multiple chances to win with tons of cash prizes... would it be smart to hold the GP later in the summer?

Your absence weighs heavy on my heart today. This is my first rest day in a few weeks and not being pressured by the constant workouts to get in before daylight disappears makes the house seem a little more empty.

I can't help but feel like I'm still going to wake up from this nightmare. Strange, when I felt like I had made such forward progress - yet emotionally slammed at the drop of a hat. It still aches. My heart still cries for you.

Here I sit at your computer in the downstairs basement. Where you spent countless hours coding for Pacific Ridge and listening to your tunes. I've been having lots of memories flood my consciousness lately - from our European trip to watching the way you walk. Is it strange I called your phone today just to hear your voice?

Oh Bubba, I miss you so much.

Man Friday was a tough day!

But it's over. And now I lay in a heap on my couch, shattered from a good 5 hour ride with my teammates. It hurts so good.

Apples and peanut butter has never tasted so good. YUM.

This is the picture that visited me last night when I was going to bed.

Is this going to be forever?

Last night

As I lay in bed, tears started welling up and sobs leaked out. I pictured Ryan, sitting at a crag, soaking up the sun and smiling at me. He was just enjoying the moment - living his passion and I realized just how much I miss him. And how I hadn't realized how much I missed him until right then.

Hearing the sudden and tragic loss of another person taken before we were ready to let him go brings back the memories of what a nightmare death can be. The shock can be so devastating and unreal - and looking back now, it still doesn't make any sense to me. That first month is unfathomable.

My thoughts and prayers are with the Black family and all of his friends.

Tragic.

And in the same token - nearly the same time, a 21 year old rider at the Tour of Qatar died in his sleep. Will Fischkorn describes the mood there.

Smarty Pants

There's smart and there's not so smart. Smart things can include getting daily exercise, eating right, getting a dose of Vitamin D, etc. Not so smart can include sitting, overeating, crawling into a cave to never seeing the light of day and running stairs.

Yes, running stairs.

Sharon and I decided to start our stair running back up again on Tuesday. I remember sitting in the car, after my morning weight routine, thinking to myself how much better breakfast sounded than getting my heart pounding, again. Before I had a chance to chicken, she showed up and up and up and up we went. At the time it seemed manageable. No serious injury. No falls. 20 minutes later we were done.

Little did I know that evening, as my muscles started to tighten, my calves would feel like someone Charley-horsed them into balls of hard dough. Luckily I had the sense to only do 6 sets of the calve burners, not the optional 8.

What day is it - Thursday? Yep, they still scream at me. I'll keep my little mouth shut, thank you very much, to the coach I'm about to see.

Do yourself a favor - be smart today.

Signs of Spring

The skaters are back.

They roll back and forth along the canal, clanking their boards onto the concrete bench in attempt to ali it. Every year they show back up - wearing their tight, black stone washed jeans, grunge plaid button shirts and Nike skate shoes.

The guy out there right now has been flailing around quite a bit - a sign of early spring. Come March he should be ali'ing with the best of 'em.

Reminds me that I need to bust out Marcy's long board and flail around myself....

Ohhhhh OUCH! Dude just took a digger to his nuts - maybe I better rethink that!

Good things are happening in my life and my drama filled blog may soon be replaced with cycling muses.

That's a good thing, right?

A return to normalcy -yet, altered in an unforgettable, unfathomable way. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, yet accepting what's going on in my life as real, beautiful and inspiring. I'd tell you more but its going in the book....

Getting ready to hit it!

Tires pumped, jerseys washed, warming balm found - and systems a go for a weekend of biking.

My teammates are going to kick my ass!

Perfect. Just what the doctor ordered.

There's a crow, sitting about 10 feet away from me, outside my window at work, who's taking a nap. He's precariously perched on a tree branch, with its head turned nearly 180 degrees, tucked carefully into this right wing. If he breaths too hard, he almost falls off the branch. I've tried jumping jacks, moving around, cawing at him - nothing wakes him up.

I guess its just evidence that everyone needs to nap every now and then.

I think I'll name him Edgar.

HALF A SHEET OF FOOLSCAP

By August Strindberg

The last furniture van had left; the tenant, a young man with
a crape band round his hat, walked for the last time through the
empty rooms to make sure that nothing had been left behind. No,
nothing had been forgotten, nothing at all. He went out into the
front hall, firmly determined never to think again of all that
had happened to him in these rooms. And all at once his eyes fell
on half a sheet of foolscap, which somehow had got wedged between
the wall and the telephone; the paper was covered with writing,
evidently the writing of more persons than one. Some of the
entries were written quite legibly with pen and ink, while others
were scribbled with a lead-pencil; here and there even a red pencil
had been used. It was a record of everything that had happened to
him in the short period of two years; all these things, which he
had made up his mind to forget, were noted down. It was a slice of
a human life on half a sheet of foolscap.

He detached the paper; it was a piece of scribbling paper, yellow
and shining like the sun. He put it on the mantelpiece in the
drawing-room and glanced at it. Heading the list was a woman's name:
"Alice," the most beautiful name in the world, as it had seemed
to him then, for it was the name of his fianc�e. Next to the name
was a number, "15,11." It looked like the number of a hymn, on the
hymn-board. Underneath was written "Bank." That was where his work
lay, his sacred work to which he owed bread, home, and wife--the
foundations of life. But a pen had been drawn through the word, for
the Bank had failed, and although he had eventually found another
berth, it was not until after a short period of anxiety and
uneasiness.

The next entries were: "Flower-shop and livery-stable." They related
to his betrothal, when he had plenty of money in his pockets.

Then came "furniture dealer and paper-hanger "--they were furnishing
their house. "Forwarding agents"--they were moving into it. The
"Box-office of the Opera-house, No. 50,50"--they were newly married,
and went to the opera on Sunday evenings; the most enjoyable hours
of their lives were spent there, for they had to sit quite still,
while their souls met in the beauty and harmony of the fairyland
on the other side of the curtain.

Then followed the name of a man, crossed out. He had been a friend
of his youth, a man who had risen high in the social scale, but
who fell, spoilt by success, fell irremediably, and had to leave
the country.

So unstable was fortune!

Now, something new entered the lives of husband and wife. The next
entry was in a lady's hand: "Nurse." What nurse? Well, of course,
the kindly woman with the big cloak and the sympathetic face, who
walked with a soft footfall, and never went into the drawing-room,
but walked straight down the passage to the bedroom.

Underneath her name was written "Dr. L."

And now, for the first time, a relative appeared on the list:
"Mama." That was his mother-in-law, who had kept away discreetly,
so as not to disturb their newly found happiness, but was glad to
come now, when she was needed.

A great number of entries in red and blue pencil followed: "Servants'
Registry Office"--the maid had left and a new one had to be engaged.
"The chemist's"--hm! life was growing dark. "The dairy"--milk had
been ordered--sterilised milk!

"Butcher, grocer, etc." The affairs of the house were being conducted
by telephone; it argued that the mistress was not at her post. No,
she wasn't, for she was laid up.

He could not read what followed, for it grew dark before his eyes;
he might have been a drowning man trying to see through salt water.
And yet, there it was written, plainly enough: "undertaker--a large
coffin and a small one." And the word "dust" was added in parenthesis.

It was the last word of the whole record. It ended with "dust"!
and that is exactly what happens in life.

He took the yellow paper, kissed it, folded it carefully, and put
it in his pocket.

In two minutes he had lived again through two years of his life.

But he was not bowed down as he left the house. On the contrary,
he carried his head high, like a happy and proud man, for he knew
that the best things life has to bestow had been given to him. And
he pitied all those from whom they are withheld.

Where oh where did you go?

I feel like I've lost my passion. It's been more pronounced lately - with the quickly approaching race season a short month away. I just don't have that drive that I used to. The thing that wakes me up in the morning, that gets me on the bike despite the weather. That keeps me eager for each day - knowing that time put into the saddle then will translate to being faster in the future.

It's lost. I go through the motions - but I can't help but feel empty when doing so.

Ryan was a constant daily reminder to live my passion. Follow something with my heart and soul. Live each moment, each heart beat by heart beat - and strive to be the best. He was so inspiring just by being him. And I'm having a hard time finding that same drive now that he's gone.

As I was driving over the Fremont bridge into work this morning, I couldn't help but ask myself, what's my passion? What keeps me excited each day? Cycling used to be my fire. But some how that's changed. And now I feel lost without having something to strive for. Being driven by passions is a curse and a blessing all at the same time.

I can only hope that one day it comes back regardless of its shape or form.

One more reason to move to the mountains as soon as possible - before all the trees are gone...

How cool!

How freaking cool is it to say President Obama? And how even more cool is it to say former president bush?

So cool.

Last time I attempted to upload photos from my trip to the cabin over New Years I was denied.... so here's a short recap. This was taken on the drive over - traveling up Goat Creek Road. Seeing those views was somewhat emotional - I haven't been back to the Methow since last September. It was nice seeing it in another season though and with such good company.

On the last morning we were there, I woke up feeling Ryan's presence surrounding me and glimpsed out the cabin to see the sun kissing the mountains.


We woke up one morning to 17" of new pow pow - and skied our buns off. But later that same trip, temps dipped into the -8.... even Makiah was cold!


Fast forward two weeks later to President's weekend. Chris and I dreamed up new pancake combinations and he worked on making the perfect cake.

Ah the simple life. No hair dryers, no combs, and most importantly no mirrors. But somebody got a hold of my camera and documented my morning hair. No worries though - as I documented somebody's crazy outfits....


Our first skate ski venture took us to Sun Mountain. Neither of us had been there before - so we skied up to Thompson Road Pass via the Meadowbrook trail. There, between the steady stream of sweat and masked between the trees - a rare species was seen. Clad in jeans, stars and bars hat, downhill gloves, etc - was a sight to be seen... spandex wearing skaters take note!



I don't know if my outfit can even compare to Mr. Fashionista. But I'll work on it - that's for sure.



The following day we decided to redeem ourselves by the sloth up Sun Mountain that we returned to do some easy routes around the resort and have lunch up at the top. The trails are great - rolling with lots of fun terrain to skate through. The soup at the lodge was excellent - looking forward to going back already!

Since we had gained some confidence at Sun Mountain, the next day we decided to ski up to Rendezvous Pass. Little did we know what a steady burn it was - 15km of a constant grind up to the top. We stopped half way to get some shots.... and several attempts later got a group shot of the two of us.


We had a couple of people offer to take our photo - but Chris was determined to make the timer work.



All of our efforts were rewarded with stunning views of the Cascades. I'd love to rent this hut for a skiing adventure!


I soaked in the sun, the views and the fresh air. I can't wait to go back.



I think Chris liked it too. :)


What goes up must come down. After climbing in the sun, over heating and taking our extra clothing off on the uphill - you have a chilly descent back to the car. So chilly in fact, you could freeze some body parts. This is definitely a pain face.


Our final day we cooked up some mean pancakes - which Chris has perfected. Look at that proud display of the perfect pancake!


After closing up the cabin and turning off the power, propane, locking up the outhouse, etc - we hit a dog friendly trail on the way out of town. It was another picture perfect blue bird day - my last glimpse of sun before heading back to the Wet, I mean West side.

We really skated well that day - cruising through the forest on a 12k loop. We got back to the car around 3 - and started the venture home. A short stop at the Twisp bakery and we were Seattle bound!

So the question is - when am I moving? Soon.

Slacking!

On the blog updation.... hopefully trip report will follow soon.....

The Wrecking Ball

If your life was hit by a wrecking ball, what would you do?

In the same turn, if your life was blessed with amazing relationships, love and peace - what would you do?

If you finally grasped that we are only given one life to live, one chance to explore, laugh and live - what would you do?

So why aren't you doing it? :)

Come a long way

This morning I woke to a sad song set being played on KEXP. I recall hearing that John from the Morning show is going through a divorce. And as a result, he is only playing really sad, mournful REM songs. One after another. After another.

Sensing his sadness, I emailed him.

I've been there. Cold Play was my REM. I would listen to it just to embrace the sadness. It felt as though I was stuck in perpetual gloom. But as time passed, my heart started to heal. I didn't have to listen to Cold Play constantly. I started listening to up beat music. And my mood changed. I wasn't as sad all the time. I actually started to feel some happiness.

Hearing someone else go through grief made me realize how far I've come in such a short time - and that I still have more to go. I've learned so many valuable lessons - which is such a gift in itself. And I will continue to learn lessons - with each relationship I encounter and upkeep.

Today I feel like an athlete.

The sun was shining this morning - the first glimmer of longer, sunnier days to come in a long time.

Things have certainly changed in my life.

But for now - the sun is tucked away again.

Straight up

ass kicking is what I was just served.

Not being on the bike for a while HURTS. BAD.

My legs hurt. My shoulders are hunched. I'm starving out of my mind.

And yet I'm still giddy to get back out there and do it again. Two weeks, that's all I need. Two weeks.

My windshield wipers haven't stopped working double time since Sunday evening.

Rain runs in steady, strong currents down the streets of downtown Seattle.

Seasoned locals wear sturdy rain coats - transplants are still trying to function with umbrellas. They looked shocked when you smile at them, drenched from head to toe, but know that your core is still warm and dry.

Just remember those few days in summer that make you realize why you put up with this shit.

A sign

I think somebody is trying to tell me something. I just tried uploading some photos of Mazama from the weekend and got denied multiple times. Sorry peeps - it's just not meant to be.

Too funny

HOLY SHIT!

Make sure to check out the additional photos...

Ushering in a New Year

Wow. I did it. I survived 2008. The ups, the downs - the sideways and inside outs. Done. Finished. History.

Thank God.

On Christmas Eve, Chris John's, Makiah and I headed east to 98833. I felt it was necessary to be there over the New Years - as a symbolic gesture to say good bye to 2008 and usher in 2009. Turns out this was a very smart decision, not only for the amazing skiing, but also for my heart and soul.

I'm glad I went - and glad for the company and support of a dear friend to help me through what was a difficult time. I had a little more closure with Ryan's passing - seeing Goat Wall for the first time since last September, feeling his presence in the cabin, laughing at the little things that he did to cabin that final week. Seeing a sun kissed mountain the final morning - and skiing my brains out. Not to mention having some belly laughs.

We had some good talks and thought of Ryan every time the cd player would start skipping or Makiah would start whining. Then oddly enough, when Wilco was played, the last cd he had listened to, it played in its entirety for the length of the album. I hear you loud and clear, babe.

I feel relieved that 2008 is over. And relieved the holidays are done. And more than anything I'm looking forward to what laughs and lessons 2009 has in store. It's off to a really good start...

I've discovered that I over use exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I can't stop using them, in every sentence!

It's not that I'm yelling, its that I'm super stoked!!!!

Or something like that.

Don't try this at home.

wingsuit base jumping from Ali on Vimeo.

Hero

"History provides abundant examples of people whose greatest gifts was in redeeming, inspiring, liberating and nurturing the gifts of others."

- Sonya Rudikoff

Getting closer...

My friends skied with a lunatic today. Call it pent up feelings from the holidays, stress relief or whatever - but the knee deep powder with steep terrain, constant blowing snow, and grin factor was HUGE this morning.

And I felt like Ryan was there - with me on every powder turn, every face plant and hoop and holler.

Oh what a day!

I hope you get to enjoy something as much as I enjoy skiing...

Living it

If you knew something you did would help you pass time, make you forget your worries, allow you to feel like a kid again - what would stop you from doing it? Sometimes living your passion is the only way to live and if the planets align just right - sometimes you are fortunate enough to do so.

Skiing does it for me. There's something about cresting a hill on the lift, sliding down the ramp, strapping my poles onto my gloved hands and ripping it up down the hill at fast and nearly out of control speeds. Where either the lactic acid pump prevents me from lift to lift bombers or a powder bump turns out to be too big and sends me promptly into a face plant. Fortunately I got to ski the three days leading up to Christmas - and it really did help pass time when I really needed it.

Being in Colorado without you was a first. And it stung. Enjoying the runs we used to go down - this time without you there. I sobbed when I stepped into the condo where we spent such wonderful times. Your absence so loud.

Thankfully I planned on skiing today with my sister and her boyfriend Erik. We created some new memories. And I faced some old ones.

Today I saw someone who skied like you. Knees tucked, chopping into the hill and getting after it. I watched and thought to myself, you could totally smoke that dude on the hill! You certainly had your own style. I was always so proud of what a bad ass skier you were.

I also ran into Andre, an old neighbor who hadn't heard the news. He couldn't believe it. And neither could I. Suddenly transported back to the day I first found out - telling him what happened. Some things don't get easier.

But for a fleeting moment, while skiing between the trees in hip-deep powder, following my sister down the hill - my mind quieted and I lived in the moment. My tele turns are starting to link quicker than before, my boldness growing and my thighs strengthening as I lunge downhill. Taking jumps, throwing myself down steep hills, skiing over mini-cliffs. I know I could never beat you down the hill - but I would certainly always try to give you a run for your money.

As we rode up to the pass today, Makiah laid next to me in the back seat. She put her paw and head on my arm, a small fury comfort. Letting me know that this time I'm not facing a first alone - she's there. I am so thankful for my friends, family and little dog to help me through all my firsts.

The snow is melting. :(
No worries though - Marcy, Erik and I head to Steven's tomorrow for some powder fun!

My loud sobs made even Makiah retreat into the living room. The waves are coming hard now.

I read that the feeling of grief is the realization of how much you loved. Oh man did I love him so much. This is debilitating.

I hate to say it - but I wish the holidays would disappear this year.

Chapped hands, cracked lips, dry flaky skin. Yep. It's winter again.

But with winter come naughty sugar plum fairies, rascally rat kings and twirling pasties. I witnessed the adult version of the Nutcracker tonight at the Triple Door with Pat, Christi and Cassie. Our senses were indulged in taste and sight as we watched ladies and a few gents discard all but a few items of coverage. The audience took a while to get into the show, but as the booze flowed and the numbers got hotter by the end of the show everyone was hooting and hollering. Definitely a nice night out on the town and a great way to get into the holiday spirit.

Actually I bought the tickets last July as a present for Pat. We toyed with going to a Mariners game at the time - but Ryan and I were unable to pin down a night thanks to our crazy schedules. So burlesque show it was! And low and behold, who should we notice swinging from the hanging hoops in the ceiling? TH's wife! And wow what a number!

There's a couple shows left for this weekend - so if you're looking for something to do and are stuck being at home thanks to the weather - head out and get your Nut Cracked! I mean, go crack some nuts! Um, I meant to say, well, just go check it out.

I remember when Ryan, in anger, used to ask, "WHY ME?!" He would get super frustrated and feel like the whole world was caving in on him. Then things would start battling against him - something would break, he'd get a speeding ticket, something on his jacket would tear - infuriating him more. And to help matters, I would often laugh.

The frequency of his outbursts diminished over time - but it took a while for him to accept that some things were the way they were. I'm no saint either. Our front hall closet bi-fold doors were broken for years when I tried to re-install them after we first painted the interior 7 years ago. They wouldn't fit in perfectly and as a result I grew more and more frustrated with them, eventually banging them on the floor and breaking the hardware. They remained propped up in the front hall until only just recently when Bill the handyman came over after Ryan passed to help me with my honey-dos.

I could easily ask "WHY ME?!" and grow into a fit of despair. But I won't. Instead I look at Ryan's passing as a way to grow. We taught each other so many lessons over the years. To harden up and bottle my emotions inside at this point would be a complete loss. Eventually they would come out - either manifested in some sort of sickness or addictive habit.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that Ryan's death is a gift. Some days are simply easier than others. And some days hit you up side the head. But the world does go spinning on. Tomorrow is a new day with a promise of being a little better than the day before. Life is not perfect. Far from it. The journey we must all take is making the most out of each moment and recognizing the beauty in it.

The First Winter!

Like a well timed gift, I woke up this morning to loud thunder clapping over head at 5:30am. I slept a little longer until my alarm sounded and then rolled out of bed. A quick glance outside and I was doing the Risky Business dance! Snow Day! Snow Day!!! Thank you snow gods, you answered my prayers. :)

A quick text to DR confirming HSP was open and then I threw on my snow clothes, big boots and hiked out the door to lower Queen Anne. It's about a 20 minute walk. And today it was completely silent. I had fresh tracks on the sidewalk. My whistle carried for blocks - the excitement of a new white day such a gift.

My little sister graduates from the Art Institute of Seattle today - with honors! Classes are canceled but graduation is on. In Hawaiian tradition my mom ordered a ton of lei's to adorn her with.

I just took Makiah down to Gasworks and she had a complete blast. She's a snow dog for sure! Maybe the first winter won't be so bad after all...

The First Winter.

Two candles illuminate my dinner for one. Across the table sits your photograph. The one where you can peer directly into your joyful soul. I try to remain upbeat, to put a smile in my heart and only tears come out. A couple of deep, loud sobs are followed by laughter in thinking of you standing in the threshold naked shaking your willy at me. (Sorry Moms!) Some days I really feel like I'm losing it. Moments of deep loss, shortly followed by loud laughter.

They said the holidays would be tough - but I think it's the winter that is the roughest. Where the nights are way longer than the daylight hours. Your absence echos in the house. I thought today of leaving this house - and immediately welled with more heart felt loss.

Now I look at your picture and it feels like a mirror. I know that smirk more than my own. That little dimple on the side of your mouth, facial hair stubble, self pierced ear. And your hands. I really miss your hands. They're not in the picture - but I can envision them as if they were right in front of me. Those gnawed off fingernails - callused and battered from climbing. Constantly in your mouth as you chewed on excess skin. "Who are you to talk?" As I look down at tattered nails. We definitely had that in common.

It was easier packing my ski bag for the upcoming weekend. I think first times are going to always evoke a lot of emotion. Understandable. Picking up the pieces of our lives together and forging ahead to make my own way is the toughest thing I have ever done. But it's a process I must go through to learn and grow. I'll take the highs and lows knowing that eventually it'll get a little easier. But oh, the first winter is tough.

Wow. The city of Seattle shut down with just the threat of snow. Yet it's 35 in Wallingford and nothing is sticking to the ground. Good thing they canceled school today. Ha!

"No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it."

I keep thinking about writing something about Ryan and then when I sit down and try to do it - I can't formulate my thoughts into anything.

I am still numb.

Even after 3 months. Each day feels a little like the last. I wake up with an ache in my heart - still used to the normal morning rituals we used to go through. But now they're just my morning rituals.

Thankfully those first few weeks have been put to rest. Talk about having open heart surgery when you're still awake. But maybe this numbness is my brain trying to protect me from trauma. I know in time it will get better - everyone tells me that - but...

I felt Ryan when we drove to Whistler this weekend. When we passed the Chief in Squammish - I got a deep notion that he would want to be there. He spent a lot of time with Jesse on those walls. Then I was saddened while riding the lift up to the snow - sensing how much I loss. Surrounded by people, giddy to head to the mountain. Yet Ryan wasn't there. Ryan lived for powder days. He lived just to live. It made me cry - and yet when I was ripping it up on taking the line I wanted to take, being aggressive and getting after it - I could hear him cheering for me in my head. And that was such a good feeling. The numbness was gone, if only for a split second, and acceptance came into my consciousness.