Living it

If you knew something you did would help you pass time, make you forget your worries, allow you to feel like a kid again - what would stop you from doing it? Sometimes living your passion is the only way to live and if the planets align just right - sometimes you are fortunate enough to do so.

Skiing does it for me. There's something about cresting a hill on the lift, sliding down the ramp, strapping my poles onto my gloved hands and ripping it up down the hill at fast and nearly out of control speeds. Where either the lactic acid pump prevents me from lift to lift bombers or a powder bump turns out to be too big and sends me promptly into a face plant. Fortunately I got to ski the three days leading up to Christmas - and it really did help pass time when I really needed it.

Being in Colorado without you was a first. And it stung. Enjoying the runs we used to go down - this time without you there. I sobbed when I stepped into the condo where we spent such wonderful times. Your absence so loud.

Thankfully I planned on skiing today with my sister and her boyfriend Erik. We created some new memories. And I faced some old ones.

Today I saw someone who skied like you. Knees tucked, chopping into the hill and getting after it. I watched and thought to myself, you could totally smoke that dude on the hill! You certainly had your own style. I was always so proud of what a bad ass skier you were.

I also ran into Andre, an old neighbor who hadn't heard the news. He couldn't believe it. And neither could I. Suddenly transported back to the day I first found out - telling him what happened. Some things don't get easier.

But for a fleeting moment, while skiing between the trees in hip-deep powder, following my sister down the hill - my mind quieted and I lived in the moment. My tele turns are starting to link quicker than before, my boldness growing and my thighs strengthening as I lunge downhill. Taking jumps, throwing myself down steep hills, skiing over mini-cliffs. I know I could never beat you down the hill - but I would certainly always try to give you a run for your money.

As we rode up to the pass today, Makiah laid next to me in the back seat. She put her paw and head on my arm, a small fury comfort. Letting me know that this time I'm not facing a first alone - she's there. I am so thankful for my friends, family and little dog to help me through all my firsts.